Jerseygirl

Good advice about SMS/text messages. My husband always tells me to ‘just call’ my daughter rather than texting, as messages can be taken out of context.

Just to emphasize something I posted earlier. The OP should clear the ‘history’ on her PC/tablet/phone, so her OH can’t read what she has typed.

Lion in Winter

OP keep your eyes on the future. This stuff is shit but it will end and you will see a better future, even if it isn't the future you originally planned. "Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans." But it will be ok.

Giantaxe

I don't know the laws of your state but I think you should ask your lawyer if you can get temporary support from your soon-to-be-ex. That may require going to court, but really you most probably are entitled to it legally.

I also agree with others that you shouldn't communicate via text. Either use your lawyer or use email.

hutchison

just use your lawyer/attormey. outside of that emotion can be attached to communication.

MMcD

First - it’s a relief to know you’re ok - so thanks for your post yesterday

Next - I hope you can manage to at least take heart in the fact that so many here are concerned for your well-being; yes, despite the appalling treatment you’ve been subjected to over these recent weeks - you do, indeed, matter! Even to total strangers. You’ve obviously struck a chord in this forum (more about that in a minute)

Please realise the following...
Your ex may have emptied a bank account, he may have filched the furniture, but only you have access to your most valuable assets:
You control the priceless resource of your intelligence, your fortitude, your will, your talent, and your creativity.
They are treasures just waiting to be mined and exploited by you and you alone.

I’ve said it before, but will repeat - you write with impressive precision, clarity and grace.

Nine thousand plus clicks on a thread in only 4 weeks, don’t just happen for no reason.

They are testament to the fact that you’ve engaged the attention and concern of utter strangers. And you’ve done it not just because of what you’ve written but also through the way in which you’ve expressed it.

I believe this ugly chapter could/should be creatively exploited by you. You possess the requisite skills to do so. It’s up to you to choose whether or not to call upon them.

As you ponder your future - consider writing your next chapter not just metaphorically but also literally, on your keyboard.
meanwhile….

Goodbye (naive) Girl

Hello (wiser) Woman

G00dByeGirl

Thank you for all your kinds words and advice. It's been a rough few days, so coming on here and realising that strangers are willing to give time and thought to my situation is heart lifting. Thank you again.

I'm trying to start with a positive. My crates going back to England by sea are on their way. I've got my air boxes to finish off and then it's suitcases I'll be taking on the plane. I don't fancy living out of suitcases much, but with the slow response time of my attorney, I can see that happening.

I'm in a flux on that. In her office I feel good about what she says, but I've yet to see her in action for me. It's been over a week since she's been available to talk to me, and things are happening. I'm thinking about contacting another recommended attorney tomorrow, but am worried that I'll go to more time and expense, and still be kept waiting.

Ok, onto the horrible stuff.

On Friday when I called into my lawyer's office, her assistant rather breezily told me my ex had filed a 'Protection From Abuse' (PFA) against me. I am hoping his attitude is a good thing, in that it's not time to go crazy. Of course I had a million questions, not least because I didn't have a clue about what a PFA is. I didn't get many answers, and I've not yet been served. All I know is that I am not to contact him and there's something in there about not contacting people he works with.

Now, there's been no contact from me since he moved out 3 weeks ago, save for my short and un-emotive email this week about the aircon breaking down. He ignored me, I didn't make a 2nd attempt. I got a Band-Aid fix and am waiting on the bill to send to my attorney to give to him. The peanuts he's left me to survive on won't cover it.

My ex considers himself a victim of emotional abuse, and I have no doubt this is an act of retaliation because I contacted his command about his abuse. Real abuse that is. I'm not sure he can stop me from contacting his command, but I've not been in touch with them either since they helped him take the furniture. It's clear they won't help me and they've closed ranks around their own - not unexpected. They don't want him going postal, not doing the kind of job he does.

I am at the point where I want to go home and get started with rebuilding my life. I don't have time or patience for his silly nonsense, and I won't be best pleased if I have to stay even longer should a court hearing be called over the PFA. If I was a judge I would be most annoyed to give time to such a ridiculous hearing where there is no evidence of abuse. Neither is there any evidence of harassment in any shape or form. I'm not calling, texting, emailing, using social media or turning up at his work pleading for him to come back. I don't even know where he lives (and don't want to).

If I can't get legal counsel from my lawyer tomorrow though, then I will be crying. I've scared myself silly reading about PFAs and the accusation for my county, is there has to have been physical abuse. I don't understand how his attorney could file it with no evidence. Maybe the PFA can be filed on broader terms like emotional abuse? This could be his way of ensuring no contact to protect his fears over the truth coming out and him losing his job.

I'll keep you guys posted.

BEVS

Dreadful & I am sorry to read this love.

Our neighbours from hell - and I mean hell - filed a trespass order against me. Had that delivered by the police and had that filed with the local police and on our property public council records. I had and have never ever been on the property & always tried to deal with their behaviour through the relevant and proper agencies.

Some people are just shitters frankly. I hope you are able to make some real distance from it all shortly.

G00dByeGirl

Neighbours from hell are the worst, I am sorry you've had to deal with that.

I am no further forward. My attorney's legal assistant told me in no uncertain terms yesterday that I would have to wait for their contact and to quit calling in.

So it's packing for me and trying to keep my head above water.

jeepster

Wheels of justice grind slowly. In the mean time don't let your imagination get away from you. It may take months before your divorce is resolved.

G00dByeGirl

I got served today with the PFA by a sheriff at my house. He was very nice and gave me some good advice. I'm grateful that the serving didn't knock me off my feet. Very distressing though.

Looks like I'm in court on Thursday to defend the allegations of physical abuse made against me by my ex.

I've contacted my attorney's office, sent the paperwork in and am waiting to find out if she can represent me, get it dropped or ask for continuance if she's already booked.

In the meantime, I've already drafted my response. It's all quite terrifying.

MMcD

Don't know whether the hearing has occurred yet.

This is definitely worth reading if it hasn't....

https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/fighting-false-allegations-of-domestic-abuse-6008

ps: Another thought...If there's been a continuance re the hearing...
Your posts here might serve as contemporaneous notes (like a diary) for your rebuttal to his abuse allegations...eg: Your Post #22:

"He doesn't want to get lawyers in, as it's cheaper to file DIY, But of course, he wants it all his own way. He's threatened me that he'll get 'very angry' if I hire I lawyer and if I file before him. He's blatantly said that he'll play dirty if I don't agree to his terms. "

Also the posts re: changing locks or installing bolts.... demonstrate your fear for your physical safety. Records of phone calls you made about the bolts would add to your documentation

This PFA is so obviously a pre-emptive defensive strategy.(To counter Brady Bill ramifications for him were HE to get slapped with such a charge as a member of the military ).

G00dByeGirl

Thanks MMcD , I hadn't seen that article, interesting reading. It blows my mind that anyone can file a PFA on anyone without burden of proof. I wonder what the costs are to the courts given the very easy abuse of this process.

If you as the defendant can't make the hearing (in my case I was given about 1.5 days notice) then the judge automatically signs off for the plaintiff and the defendant, whether innocent or guilty, has a restraining order of a year handed down.

I have absolutely no doubt that the poppycock and twaddle my ex signed his name to on the court papers, was to (1) protect his job and security clearance and (2) an act of revenge because I reached out to his command for help. It's all been deeply distressing, not least as this charade has taken time and focus away from the very people who really do need a restraining order.

If I weren't concerned for security and the chance that he, or someone involved might see this, I'd say what he accused me of. It was about as defamatory as you can get. If it wasn't for the seriousness of going to court, and the upset, I'd say it was laughable. But I'm not laughing. As his soon to be ex wife, it's a sucker punch to the gut that I spent 11 years of my life with someone who could and did do this to me.

And that's the thing with divorce, you're on your toes dealing with the legal, financial and practical aspects while at the same time, carrying the dead weight of a broken heart. And in my case, broken sleep and a 24lb weight loss in 5 weeks. At the risk of being too personal, this is knocking the stuffing out of me. At the doctor's this week, he insisted my BP was taken again as he 'didn't know how I was still standing.' I guess it was pretty low. I also managed to leave the house wearing odd shoes, which the nurse very gently pointed out to me.

The doc wanted to hospitalise me, but as my ex is running around telling everyone I'm unhinged, I didn't want to give him more ammunition.

So back to where things are for anyone following this sorry saga. The attorneys agreed a continuance so at the last minute, the court hearing was called off. What a relief. The tentative way forward is to dismiss the PFA in the divorce settlement, but of course this is my ex trying to use the PFA as a bargaining chip. I can totally see him not getting his way and reactivating the court hearing as he's again 'in fear for his life.' Hopefully his attorney would not let that fly as a judge will see right through it, and no doubt his attorney would be on the end of some stern words.

But who knows what will happen, so much horribleness is going on, it's impossible to predict what's coming next. As for now, I have a temporary restraining order against me, and I can't contact him, or try to contact him via a 3rd party in any way. I'm not in touch with him and don't want to be, but if I need to, then I'll have to go via my attorney.

He's not in touch with me - blessed relief - which is by way of his military command, but of course, not legally binding. I think that could be enough to hold him off, and I'm not one for retaliation or pointless and costly efforts that get in the way of the final outcome. I want to agree terms and already he's bouncing around all over the place in his dedication to playing as unfairly and dishonorably as possible.

Rete

Bear in mind that means he cannot come anywhere near you or contact you either. Works both ways. If he calls or contacts you in any way, shape or form, do not answer the phone, open the door, reply to the email, etc. In fact, if it were me, if he came to my door, I would call the police as he is breaking the no contact provision of the PFA against you. You have the right to make all efforts not to be considered in violation of the PFA

Nutmegger

G00dByeGirl

I really appreciate the support and hugs, never dreamed I'd find myself in this nightmare. I remember writing a piece once about how the brain focuses on what's needed when stress levels are overwhelming. That would explain the odd shoes, I guess that's just not important when you're fighting a nasty divorce.

I have a friend back home who keeps telling me karma will come around and like Nutmegger says, the truth will out. Maybe so.

I'm confused about the terms of the PFA as it's been issued against me. My understanding is as the protected person, he can't get in trouble for contacting the restrained person, but I can get in trouble for responding! It's not likely to happen though, he's like a shadowy Voldemort figure to me now, a mythical creature that poses danger. I very much doubt he'll attempt to contact me now, he's clearly concerned about his job.

That's one relief in all of this, I know I'm not going to get a nasty text, email or call, and as we're not physically in the same space, I'm not as scared. That's not to say what's coming through from his attorney isn't extremely annoying, but it's one step removed from him. I think that's another reason why the allegations in the PFA were so upsetting, it was written in his hand. There's no doubt he wrote what he wanted - no room for anything other than the stark reality of his anger and hatred toward me.