penguinsix

Lawyer.

Lawyer.

Lawyer.

I think many people will recommend you consult a lawyer, even if it seems to be cut and dried and a friendly arrangement. Lawyers will find the things early that will become problems later.

Elvira

I posted this in the other place where you posted...:

PLEASE do at least 3 things for your wife:

Take her to see an Immigration Attorney who can explain the likely consequences of her leaving without first obtaining citizenship. Hopefully she will pay more heed to an independent source.

Take her to see a psychiatrist - as she appears to be suffering from severe depression she probably needs both medical and psychosocial therapy.

Do not think in terms of divorce at this stage. If she leaves without getting divorced, she can still come back within a reasonable time-frame (I believe less than a year does not re-set the clock for naturalization - but please check this).

If she insists on leaving without likelihood of returning in less than a year, PLEASE do apply for a re-entry permit on her behalf. Again, you may want to seek the advice of an immigration lawyer on this.

Wishing you all the best...

tonyoci

When we reach that point I will consult a lawyer but part of the problem is finding one who understands the international aspects of it.

I believe those factor will be part of a custody decision but that's not something I really want to discuss with her right now

I am clearly biased, but them staying with me makes the most sense on a number of levels.

1. I could have them during school time, they could go to her for Xmas and Summer vacation. If they go to her there is no practical time (with work for me) to have them for any length of time during a given year

2. I am way more balanced and stable

3. They want to say in this country, town etc.

4. They are used to where they are, have friends, dogs, familiarity with life in general

#1 is a key factor, them staying here is really the only way to have any kind of balance.

I am really fact finding in case things turn ugly.

tonyoci

Elvira, my reply crossed yours.

Very sane advice, thanks

She does see a psychiatrist but we both agree she needs to change. All he does is doll out meds and doesn't really seem interested (US Healthcare system to blame on that one)

Visiting an immigration attorney at some point sounds like an excellent idea

I am sure the green card rule is one year and I'll have to look into the rentry thing

We are not talking about divorce yet, but I do want to understand what the options are and to be able to make them clear to her when appropriate.

Jerseygirl

If living here is making your wife so ill...have you considered returning to the UK as a family?

Octang Frye

JerseyGirl, that wont solve anything at all. It is very common for people who are depressed to think that if they just move to another, romanticized location, then he or she will be happy. It's a fallacy and doesn't resolve the underlying condition.

Even people who are healthy experience this 'grass is greener' feeling.
I've been through and beaten both depression and panic attacks.

Tony, you're so right in that her thinking is illogical and irrational. I would make a suggestion; you've tried psychiatrists and perhaps psychologists. I would recommend an LCSW (licensed clinical social worker.) They don't dispense meds and they are much better - in my experience - at helping you figure out what's wrong, and helping you help yourself to get better.

A personal question: is your wife overweight and/or does little exercise?
Exercise is the best weapon to slay this beast. Don't ask me why, but I know quite a few people who it has helped. I'm not talking about becoming a gym rat. For me, I took up tap-dancing and then swing dancing. Lost 40lbs. It really helps.

\ Used to drink two bottles a wine a night, smoke a packet of cigarettes a day. Been anti-depressants and Xanax free now for five years.
\\ Still like the occasional martini. :-)
\\\ Good luck.

penguinsix

When you talk to an immigration attorney about this situation, get a clear understanding not only of the custody issues, but also 'green card abandonment.' The dates, six months, one year, etc are technically only guidelines. If you left the US and told immigration when you left "I'm never coming back and here is my green card" then you wouldn't have 6 months or 12 or whatever. There is what is on paper and what is practiced in reality so be sure you bring this up with him.

I'd also consider the citizenship thing, at least for yourself. It can help you in 10 years perhaps, or 30 years when you are dealing with your children who may end up marrying an American and staying here.

I'd also second the 'grass is greener' (but often is not) comments. It is very common with expats to look back with a bit of a tint, as it is for those who are in one country to look at the next with a similar shade of bias.

Hope this works out.

tonyoci

thanks Octang Frye you really answered that well.

She does see a LCSW but she doesn't believe in it so it seems like a waste of time. I also talk to that same person a little but it has all come on a bit fast so time is rather short for me.

Personally I always intended to become a citizen, mainly for the flexibility but this may accelerate it.

My wife is overweight now. She was overweight a little about a 2 years ago, but a couple of surgery's, depression leading to eating and meds that add weight have caused her to baloon. She has actually added 40lbs in the last 3 months - she blames the meds, I can accept that but all the eating she does can't help It's kind of a chicken and egg one that one.

I personally would not consider uprooting my family and going against our personal choice to move with a person who makes our live's so miserable. I do understand the illness and I hope she can get through it but it's not going in the right direction right now.

ian-mstm

From the information given, and that "she's obsessed with the move", it sounds less like clinical depression and more like bipolar disorder. Sadly, I've had more than my share of experience with this... so, when I hear the classic symptoms as you've described them, I'm on it like a tick on a dog.

It's easy to sit here and to say don't enable her - that's surely a very delicate balancing act - but if the meds don't work for her, she's getting the wrong meds and needs a consult with a competent psychiatrist... preferably one who deals with bipolar disorder.

Good luck to you.

Ian

Englishmum

I don't know how old your children are but you may find some useful information here (see link below) about international child custody issues/disputes.

If you fear that your wife may choose to take the children to the UK without your permission, then you may wish to read up about the Hague Convention and how it works (and how to prevent your children being taken overseas if necessary):

http://www.reunite.org


I hope you can find a viable solution to your quandary....Elvira has given some excellent advice (as always!). Good Luck.

meauxna

Also for Elvira,

There are two different 'green card rules' that you're alluding to.

A Permanent Resident is in automatic danger of losing their status if they are outside the US for 12+ consecutive months. Please see uscis.gov "Now That You Are A Permanent Resident'. A PR can apply for a travel document called a re-entry permit (form I-131) if they are taking a planned trip outside the US for 12-24 months.

A candidate for naturalization to US citizenship must be continuously present/resident in the US. A period of 6+ consecutive months outside the US breaks this presence 'test' and restarts the naturalization clock. Details are in the Guide to Naturalization at uscis.gov

Elvira

Thanks for clarifying, Mo. I wasn't sure about the exact time periods, which is why I emphasized the 'ask a lawyer' bit.

penguinsix

Good points. It is important to note this line from that document:

You may be found to have abandoned your permanent resident status if you:

Remain outside of the US for more than one year without obtaining a reentry permit or returning resident visa. However in determining whether your status has been abandoned any length of absence from the US may be considered, even if it is less than one year.

Move to another country intending to live there permanently.

etc...

Generally, if you come back through the border and say "I've been gone 2 months" then the burden would be on the BCIS to prove you abandoned residence (something they rarely undertaken. However, if you are gone between 6-12 months, then the burden of proof as to you being a resident is shifted to you. You can sometimes be asked for proof of residence, such as a mortgage, utility bills, bank accounts, etc. If it is over a year, then you are presumed to have abandoned your green card, unless you get the I-131. If it is more than 2 years, than even a I-131 might not help you.

This is based on some anecdotal evidence with BCIS and a bit of research, so I would advise you to discuss these matters with your lawyer for a more reliable response then what I've written here.

Dogbyte

Sadly we see and hear of people in your unfortunate position a lot.
All the advice given is exceptional but remember, you, are also involved in this situation.Look after your own health and welfare aswell.I wish you well and hope the outcome is a positive one,for all parties in the shortest possible time...Ps ..please consult your kids on all aspects of the problem,this will give them some strength to cope with the problems you find yourselves in,and they may feel they can contribute toward a solution,make them feel wanted.