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Difficult situation

Difficult situation

Old Jan 14th 2015, 1:11 pm
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Default Difficult situation

Hi,

I'm in the hugely frustrating NVC stage of my green card journey after I married my wife - a US citizen, last year.

Still a few months away until I get that lovely envelope to allow to move over to Dallas, but getting nearer.

The plan at the beginning of this process was that I would move over the States, we'd buy a house, settle in and then await the family to grow.
We both work for the same company, she's based in Dallas though travels a lot to the UK to see me and for work, she used to travel (a little less) here before we got together so not solely due to our relationship.

We were both going to leave the company and get jobs in Dallas (me first as it would be a little more urgent after the move) then she'd leave and get another job so we would be together properly in Dallas.

That was the plan at the beginning, though now things have moved on. I'm still leaving my job, getting a new job in Dallas as quickly as possible when I get there, house as well......though her role has changed slightly. She is now happy at work, enjoying her job and the added responsibility. So when I used to ask if she was sure about leaving and she'd say yes, why do you doubt it - it would appear she's talking about 2-3 year plans with work, travelling and possibly spending a third of the time in the UK once I move. Now I'm fully supportive of her recognition at work, and support any decision she takes.

Though I am concerned that I'm leaving everything and everyone behind to start a new life with her, though I'll be dealing with homesickness, culture differences (very slight I know) and everything else about moving to a new country partially alone.

When this has been talked about, she gets upset and me delaying the move has come up - I can't wait for the move, new place, better quality of life, but can't think straight about what to do, when to do it. Could the possible 6-12 month delay turn into 2-3 years....

All these things I've been trying to deal with by myself as if I bring these thoughts up, 1) she gets upset and keeps apologising, 2) I feel selfish.

Do I want her to quit and get a job locally in Dallas, hell yes, but how can I expect her to do that when I move over there just as she starts to really enjoy her job.

Just needed to vent and get that out of my head - any feedback would be great. I'm willing to do anything to make sure this works. If it means delaying it, so be it......just a difficult situation.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 2:00 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Why would you want your wife to leave a job she likes?


This "culture differences (very slight I know)" you should be prepared for. Not sure I would agree about the "very slight" part.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 2:28 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by Nutek View Post
Why would you want your wife to leave a job she likes?
Purely because how could we start a family together and a life when her job could mean she's spending 30-50% of her time in the UK while I'm in the US.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 2:57 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by johnhol View Post
Purely because how could we start a family together and a life when her job could mean she's spending 30-50% of her time in the UK while I'm in the US.
even if she hasn't figured that one out already, she will have to face it when it's time for sprogs.

sounds more like you need to talk about the kids/house issue than the job. Ina roundabout way, she's perhaps telling you that she's not sure she's ready for kiddoes? Maybe she's got a better plan than just change jobs/companies?

FWIW plenty of couples manage with one partner flying around for work with the other one at home working locally and sorting out the kids. And it doesn't have to be the woman working locally either.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 3:00 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by johnhol View Post
Purely because how could we start a family together and a life when her job could mean she's spending 30-50% of her time in the UK while I'm in the US.
I'm just not seeing the problem I guess.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 3:10 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by johnhol View Post
Purely because how could we start a family together and a life when her job could mean she's spending 30-50% of her time in the UK while I'm in the US.
My husband gave up his own business in Turkey to move to the USA specifically to marry me and live together and build a life together. Within 3 weeks of his arrival, it was clear that Phoenix was not going to be a lucrative city for him to build his business, so he went to Los Angeles to start something there, in hopes of moving the biz to Phoenix in the future. That was 10 years ago, and it's now clear that it isn't going to happen.

I have an awesome job here in Phoenix that I've been with for 25 years, and plan to retire with this company, so we don't want me to move to LA. We don't want him to stop doing the trade he loves, either. So we live in Phoenix and have our home here, but he works in LA, coming home for a long weekend every few weeks. He and his younger brother rent an apartment/workshop in LA. We've agreed that this will be the scenario for the next 12 years or so until I can retire.

So, having a plan is great, but it doesn't always work out the way you planned. .. so take a deep breath and make the move, knowing you could be spending some time apart.

Rene

Last edited by Noorah101; Jan 14th 2015 at 3:12 pm.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 3:14 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

I guess I should mention that kids are not an issue for us... we don't have any and don't want any.

Rene
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 3:14 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by Noorah101 View Post
My husband gave up his own business in Turkey to move to the USA specifically to marry me and live together and build a life together. Within 3 weeks of his arrival, it was clear that Phoenix was not going to be a lucrative city for him to build his business, so he went to Los Angeles to start something there, in hopes of moving the biz to Phoenix in the future. That was 10 years ago, and it's now clear that it isn't going to happen.

I have an awesome job here in Phoenix that I've been with for 25 years, and plan to retire with this comply, so we don't want me to move to LA. We don't want him to stop doing the trade he loves, either. So we live in Phoenix and have our home here, but he works in LA, coming home for a long weekend every few weeks. He and his younger brother rent an apartment/workshop in LA. We've agreed that this will be the scenario for the next 12 years or so until I can retire.

So, having a plan is great, but it doesn't always work out the way you planned. .. so take a deep breath and make the move, knowing you could be spending some time apart.

Rene

I think the OP's difficulty is that they want to start a family and how this is going to work if his wife spends so much time in the UK and he is in the US.

Johnhol...you mentioned moved for a better standard of living. What makes you think you would achieve this in Dallas?
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 3:21 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl View Post
I think the OP's difficulty is that they want to start a family and how this is going to work if his wife spends so much time in the UK and he is in the US.

Johnhol...you mentioned moved for a better standard of living. What makes you think you would achieve this in Dallas?
Well, I've spent a fair amount of time over there and everything seems "better" - food, things to do, cost of living is cheaper as well, house we can buy over there compared to the UK (where we're based here anyway), weather.....just seems a nicer place to be.

Think it's more I had an idea of how things would pan out based on our talks, just now they are changing, as someone said, deep breath and deal basically.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 4:12 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by johnhol View Post
Well, I've spent a fair amount of time over there and everything seems "better" - food, things to do, cost of living is cheaper as well, house we can buy over there compared to the UK (where we're based here anyway), weather.....just seems a nicer place to be.

Think it's more I had an idea of how things would pan out based on our talks, just now they are changing, as someone said, deep breath and deal basically.
I'm not sure you've spent enough time over here if you still thing everything just has a golden "better" glow. There are things I like better about living here and things that still bug the hell out of me. I'm not sure I'd say it's nicer.

If you and your wife are now diverging on what you both actually want from the marriage I think you need to sort this out before you give up your home and life in the UK. If it's not working out over skype try and do it in person. These conversations are tough but moving to a strange (and the US IS strange) country and discovering your marriage isn't going to work the way you envisioned it when you said "I do" is not something to take lightly.

Lx
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 4:36 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Have you asked her how or whether she could continue to do her current job if you were to have children? Other than that, I agree, I don't really see the issue. If she likes the job, then it's better for her to stay there and look to move to a different role within the company. It seems that if you move companies here in the US you often need to take a step down the ladder, whereas if you move roles in your existing company it's easier to move sideways/upwards. Texas is an at-will state so she could be let go and your plans would have to change instantly anyway. That's probably something you need to get used to about the US. There's limited job security and if you find a job/company you like, you should cling onto it with both hands.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 5:21 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

Originally Posted by Noorah101 View Post
I guess I should mention that kids are not an issue for us... we don't have any and don't want any.

Rene
It shouldn't be a issue anyway, if one parent is around and these days, plenty of them are the dad's.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 8:58 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

I can't fathom why you wouldn't want her to be happy in a job she likes. I'm also amazed you think the cultural differences between Texas and England are "very slight" and that the quality of life is somehow better over there. The US is no better or worse than any other first world nation.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 9:34 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

I can understand you are disappointed at the changes that seem to be out of your control. You had a dream to start your new life off together, new companies and a different type of life and it looks like things are shifting away from the picture. Unfortunately, life gets in the way of our dreams.

My boyfriend (now husband) and I planned a life in Charlotte, NC in 2006, built a house, bought the car, got the dog and baam.. things changed. Four years later I finally joined him. I think we are richer for the experience and learnt to negotiate the wiggly road. We were pretty chilled out then, even more so now.

She is sensible to stick with a job she enjoys whilst you start a new life in the US, in order to be financially secure. Would it be so easy to both get new jobs? Who knows what will happen. Go with the flow but do talk through your concerns.
Good luck.
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Old Jan 14th 2015, 11:11 pm
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Default Re: Difficult situation

My husband travels about a third of the time and we have three children. I can't imagine asking him to give up his job - he loves it and it's hugely rewarding. If the roles were reversed I can't see him asking me to give up my job.

It sounds like you feel as if you're giving up lots so she has to also give up lots. Would it not be better to look at the positives - what are you both gaining?
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