TheLeester

This could have been posted anywhere but considering an expat deal in Houston for 3 years.

My personal situation is that I am seperated from the mother of my 8 year old daughter. My employer has very generous travel allowances so I would be able to travel back to the UK 5 times a year and pay for her to travel to me twice also. So maintaining contact is possible although going to require extensive travel.

I wondered if anyone else decided it was better not to relocate their children when working on long term assignments abroad ? What were your experiences with your relationship to your kids ? What went wrong, what went right. What tips or advice could you offer ?

Bluegrass Lass

Not to bring up the legal details, but the first question I would find an answer to is: will your ex allow you to relocate the daughter to the US? The US won't approve a visa for your daughter, unless you have court documents showing you have the legal right to take her out of the country.

I have no advice otherwise. I hope others can help you out.

lisa67

How often do you see your daughter now? Is it "quality"time. Would living abroad enable you to spend longer lengths of time with her?
From a parent's point of view, I can't imagine being seperated from my kids, however I'm not in your situation.
Although it's not the same, but I find that I spend longer time with my parents than I ever did in when I lived in the same country as them..we see each other less often but have longer together and make the most of the time we do have.
My parents would also never have come to the US if we hadn't moved here, so you could see your situation as opening up a whole set of new experiences for your daughter.
Good Luck with the decision

kins

My parents were divorced and because both my dad and stepdad were in the RAF I spent much of my childhood living in a different country to my dad.

Visitation was set out very clearly by the court beforehand, so we stuck to that: I spent 6 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at easter and 2 weeks every other Christmas at my dad's.

I started flying unaccompanied (other than my little sister) at 6 or 7. I did hate the flights - I was airsick and I cried every time.

But I loved visiting another country, and I loved the lifestyle my dad lived out there. It definitely helped make me the person I am now (in a good way)...

TheLeester

To clarify, I have no intention of disrupting the routine and location of my daughter as much as I would love to bring her with me. The company would pay for a private education. However I dont want to have her lifestyle dependent upon the whim of the company. I have just seen my US colleagues based in London, been recalled to Houston at a moments notice. Their families are expected to follow them back. Too risky/disruptive.

I currently see my daughter 1 day and 1 evening every week. I would call it quality time and not a chore. It will rip both our hearts out to be apart from one another for so long. However I reckon the 5 visits I get back to the UK will be 2 weeks at a time. During which I will lodge in the spare room of the family home. The two visits she would make could be during Easter and Summer so could easily be upto another 4 weeks. So in theory I would see more of her than I do now. Its just that it will be interspersed by longer periods. I currently speak to her every day and would also start using webcams etc to be more in touch. Another possibility is that if my wife and I did reconcile during my visits, I could always change my expat status to 'accompanied' and relocate the family. I know this is all my point of view and I am sure my wife would have another perspective.

I have been working over this family vs career dillema for weeks now and need to make a decision soon. I think I have thought of everything but I would be more than happy for someone to plays devil advocate on this.
I am sure there will be positive aspects to this as much as the negative. It just quiet hard to see them at the moment.

lisa67

well to point out some negatives then... you won't be there for her birthday parties, school plays, to "vet" her first boyfriend, rush to her side if she's sick or if your ex gets sick and your daughter needs a shoulder to cry on...just a few things to think about.

clarissageo

Can I play it?

None of this is intended to be a bitch btw......

On a negative
1.You say that when you visit the UK, you will lodge in the family home.... What happens if your daughters mother gets a boyfriend? How will that make you feel, staying in the same house as them, who, if its a serious relationship, may have settled into a family routine? How will it make your daughter feel? who does she go to first for something? Mum, Dad, or the bf?

2. This really does all depend on how long you have been separated, but from what you said in your last post, I'm getting the vibe that the separation is quite recent (please, feel free to correct me if i'm totally off the mark). The reason I'm getting this vibe is you're still entertaining the possibility of reconciliation with your ex, which tells me you've not really 'accepted' the separation. If all this disruption in your life / relationship is recent, then I would say the last thing you really need right now is more disruption and stress of an immigration.

3. What happens if you decide to go for it, and Just before your visa gets approved you get back together with your wife? You will have moved back in (I assume) and your daughter will have just got used to you being around again then KAPOW.... off you go again.... cue major head mess up for little girl.

4. My husband has spent most of the last year in the UK with me he's the USC
and he kept regular contact with his kids the whole time - webcam 3 times a week, 3 visits home etc - he actually saw more of his kids and when we were in the states spent more 'quality' time with them than when he lived over there - however, since they have not had a father figure around their behaviour has gone downhill by huge amounts, and he now blames himself for not being there to keep them in line - the guilt is huge. Not saying that will be the same for your daughter, but I think you do need to be very thick skinned.

On the positive.
1. This may be the chance you need to start afresh after what must have been a traumatic time during your separation. By you getting that fresh start your daughter will see a happier daddy and that in turn will reflect on her.

2. Its a great opportunity for her to see the world, what 8 year old wouldn't want to be able to go to america twice a year! Not only that, when the new toys come out in the states that they dont have in the UK, she'll be the envy of all her friends!

3. You will Value the time you have with your daughter even more than you do now - with webcams and the internet there are so many things you can do together other than 'just talk' - play draughts or O-X-O on yahoo or msn, or why not get both of you an xbox 360 and a few games you can play online together. You'll probably get the chance to do things with your daughter that most parents who live with their kids would never even consider doing!


I know it seems more negative than positive, but i'm just feeding off some of the things you said in your post - I may be reading way more into it than there actually is, in which case tell me to stfu, but my opinion is that you should give your separation chance to really sink in before you go off to the other side of the world

TheLeester

clarissageo. Thanks for your good points. I think they are valuable. To briefly answer. I am relatively recently seperated. 8 months at my initiation. This expat offer has come completely out of left field and made me think of reconciliation. Ultimately it has confirmed my decision to seperate. I think a 'fresh start abroad' would simply transplant our issues to another country, with obvious negative impact on my daughter. So I was probably amiss to mention it. I am hoping that somehow blindly that everything would be fine and we could relocate as a family and so my daughter would get the benefit of the experience. I know I am clutching at straws to try and ease my sense of guilt of putting myself first.

In reality I would only stay at the family home if it was not generating conflict.

I know what you mean about behaviour. I noticed the same after I left home. It is understandable and it is something to watch for.

I would not be entertaining the idea if I did not definitely know it would be of immense benefit for me to start afresh. Luckily I have taken my daughter to Florida once and she loves the states so getting a buy in would not be difficult. That is a fantastic idea about the online gaming. I hadnt thought of that.

I value your insights. I do think I am over the seperation. This opportunity will not recur again anytime soon, if at all. It has come at completely the wrong time. However as a friend said, the last time he looked at a calendar there never was a right time.