Ethelred_the_Unready

Ok, so I'm asking for some advice from fellow British expats, but this time I want to go about it from a different perspective....

My personal and professional life = incredibly shitty right now, but we won't go into that.

I have been here since 2003 and I am *trying* to like it and find some sort of place for myself here, despite the circumstances, trying to make the "best" of it. I miss the UK, but feel that I cannot return due to personal demons and a family of yuppies and narcissists that I can never be a part of.

....but I am failing. I do not like US culture, I don't like the politics, injustices of the poor / working class, lack of healthcare and protection against predatory businesses as an employee and as a consumer. I like history, I like to walk, I like temperate weather and temperate, non-judgmental people and the type of football played with your feet. No matter how much I try to slice it and dice it, I feel like I don't fit in here and never will, on a different wavelength from regular Americans.

With a bit of money and a drive to succeed in the business sense, I do see the appeal of the US over the UK. I respect people who come over here and succeed. I think that takes the kind of balls and ability to adapt that I do not possess. I just think that the US is a lousier place to be alone, not so well off and introverted than say, the UK.

So what I'm looking for are reasons to stay. I haven't been back to the UK since I left, so tell me that UK society is now just as superficial and fake, or that the Tories are as bad as the Republican Party. One good thing about living in the US is that aside from on the road, no one has ever messed with me, but back home, I was always weary of gangs of youths.

I have no health insurance as it stands, lots of debt from the marriage I was in. There's no CAB over here and I can't go to a therapist. I have no protection at work and I am very tired and jaded, with no friends, family or acquaintances to just shoot the piss with.

Convince me to stay, or tell me that I'd be better off going home and facing the demons.

You decide.

Hotscot

Been in California for ten years but the roads, the politics, the speed of life is tiring me and I feel like going back to Scotland.
My wife and I do go home on vacation every year at it feels so wonderful being in the country I love.
However after a couple of weeks it seems to slightly fray at the edges...the weather, the cost of things, graffiti, dirty streets and yes the feeling of threat from the youth.
In Birmingham last year my wife thought I was being too wary when I shuffled her across the street to avoid a group of about ten teenagers on our side of the road, whereas I was worried about being knifed or something.

We probably will go back in five years or so to at least give my American wife experience of living there, get a UK citizenship, and spend some time seeing Europe easier than we can from here.

After that? No idea where to retire finally, but hopefully somewhere serene and safe. North of Scotland, Midwest or Pacific Northwest.

I know this may not help but I do ponder these things. I guess I'm saying, chose where you're going geographically, if you can, based on what appeals to you. Do you need to face your demons or can you simply avoid them?
And if you do go...can you come back if you don't like it?

Best wishes.

retzie

In my experience, a lot of the demons can be ironed out when you are present. Bad feelings tend to brew and mutate when kept in isolation - even if things do blow up when you are back, you yell and scream and deal with them. For me, at least, I appreciate the element of progress. Even if you end up finally giving up on someone/being given up upon, at least you can move on.

Remember, also, that you are the agent of your own destiny at home. As an expat in a new country, we don't have much choice but to invent the life we intend to lead. However, we tend to forget we can make changes at home as well. Yes, if you want to cut people out of your life, you may need to take more decisive measures than just not replying to emails, but it's still possible. My sister lived abroad for a couple of years, leaving a past littered with major drug problems and poisonous relationships. She eventually did return, lived elsewhere (within the same city) and didn't initiate any contact. She didn't hide the fact that she was back, but there's a lot to be said for not giving oxygen to allow shitty situations to reignite.

If you don't go back, it seems like staying where you are and continuing to do the same thing is unsustainable. You need to make some changes. Be it moving city/state, looking for a new job, or just little things like getting some exercise, reinvesting in a hobby, getting a pet, etc. I know it is (a) easy to say; and (b) often feels incredibly lame, but even small positive things can help to rebuild the feeling that you have some agency in your own life.

I know you don't really mean for us to decide for you, but personally, I would never live in this country without health insurance...

Ethelred_the_Unready

I could avoid my demons by simply "not telling" my family. Frankly, that's all that's stopping me. I am trying to sever contact, but my mother still emails and wants to know where I'm at. I left partly to get away from all of them and from having to feel inferior to my younger yuppie brothers. Problem is, as a very left-wing person, I've injected myself into an even more toxic and alien society.

The antisocial behaviour issue does bother me. I would go back and would of course be poor and thus, exposed to it head on. No one has ever messed with me over here. I fear that Blighty is more violent than it was in 2003. Since I don't have wads of cash to buy myself isolation from it, it is a very real and tangible fear.

Ethelred_the_Unready

I don't have health insurance because I cannot afford it. I am stuck with my ex-wife and she calls the shots. It's pathetic, but I am emotionally, financially and legally trapped by the balls.

I want to go back home. I can't because I have a family that is toxic to my existence - brothers who are better than me, a mother who favoured them and a father who is gone for dust. I don't want to go back to the UK "me"...a total loser with loser acquaintances, drug problems and being stuck in a part of the UK I didn't particularly like, mainly because of the personal demons, many of which I left behind when my plane took off from Gatwick in December 2003, when I watched the fog laden English countryside vanish beneath me.

I miss home though, I am British, I am Northern European and I will never be American and the USA will never be my home, unless I meet a nice American but culturally non-American woman and find a place with a temperate climate where I can walk and a job where I don't feel under threat every day and can take sufficent time off to recharge my batteries from time to time.

End.

goldenstate31

Im new to the US (4 months new) and Ive been fortunate enough to have met a few British expats in that time, due to me dropping my daughter of at school every day etc.

Just recently we were invited to a birthday party and we got talking about 'what we miss about england' one of my british friends has lived here for 12 years the other for 8. The one who had lived here for 12 years, actually went back to the UK because she missed it so much and her friends, family.
BUT she said the moment her and hubby stepped off the plane she started sobbing and knew instantly that she had made a terrible mistake (she puts the wanting to go back to the UK down to pregnancy hormones).
After she spent time catching up with old friends who by the way had all moved on in the 12 years she had been living here and made new friends etc, it took them just over a year before they managed to move back.

I come from a huge family and i have left behind so many close friends and brothers and sisters who i absolutely adore. But (and i speak for the sunshine etc and outdoor lifestyle we have here in California) I am certainly happier here, as is my husband so consequently so are my two children. My son who is only a toddler gets to 'go out' and enjoy the sunshine and the fields and parks etc and we enjoy our life too. Yes I miss my family but the pros far out weigh the cons.

My mum called me as she often does and reminded me that its dark there at 4 'oclock and raining. again. Ok to some that could be superficial but for us thats a big part if not the most important part of our lives to be able to enjoy the sunshine and not feel depressed because its bloody raining again. I do miss certain things, like London etc but often I think sometimes all it needs is a short visit back to the UK to realise that, perhaps things are either 1)not so bad here after all, or 2)not so good there after all. And of course not everybody will share my take on this, this is my personal thought.

But whatever decision you choose will be the right one.

retzie

Just like plenty of my USC friends. The system is f**cked. I'm just saying that having grown up 'a socialist' (lol), the idea of not having it there scares the crap out of me. I count myself as extremely lucky that I have a country to run back to where I can escape this madness, and fully intend on doing so if it ever comes down to it.

You've already discovered that the new country doesn't equal boundless freedom and opportunities; I think equally the old country doesn't equal no freedom nor opportunities.

Try to think specifically about what you would go back to do to not be the 'old' you. Where would you live? What work would you look for? Which friends would you be happy to look up? Which ones would you make sure didn't know you were back?? Try to put together the day-to-day pros and cons, rather than just the big emotive ones. Hopefully it will help you get some traction with the decision, which can cut down the gigantic emotional tides.

scrubbedexpat099

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worl...fe-abroad.html

A relevant article.

I have been here about the same length of time, but I have been back relatively often, not quite once a year.

Every time it seems weirder and weirder, I have friends move away, some pass away, I have no idea what I would do if I went back or how I would fit in , or where for that matter.

There are things I miss but you tend to remember the best bits of a very different time.

Mummy in the foothills

After more than 25 years (with a year back ages ago) we are moving back.
It's not failing to move anywhere, you more where you want when you want on your own terms, don't let anyone tell you you have failed if you move again. None of their stinking business.
If I didn't get along with my family I'd probably make sure to live as far away in the UK as I could, no need to live near them. No need to even have a relationship if you don't want. Visit and communicate on your terms you're a grown up and are allowed to decide who is in your life.
Good luck with the decision, it's hard to settle somewhere that you aren't having any luck with.

fatbrit

You need to be moving to the PNW, not FL as you state in your profile.

Cape Blue

You sound like one of those faggy, liberal Euro-types - you probably care for other people and want to share stuff 'n' shit.

There's no home for you here, best you clear off back to Blighty.

That said, if you are going to stay in the US, fatbrit has it right - head anywhere from SF Bay area up to Seattle, they're all a bit pinko and touchy-feely on the coast bits.

If you find yourself with any spare cash, I'd spend a bit on some therapy for that inferiority complex - not a nice thing for you to have to live with.

helpmeplease123

This is your problem:

No friends, family or acquaintances

These are excuses:

Convince me to stay, or tell me that I'd be better off going home and facing the demons.

I am stuck with my ex-wife

I have been here since 2003 and I am *trying* to like it and find some sort of place for myself here

The antisocial behaviour issue does bother me. I would go back and would of course be poor and thus, exposed to it head on

Then do that and f*** anyone else who gets in your way. It's a lot easier to complain than take action but frankly your attitude is only going to make everything worse - you're fueling your own misery by wallowing in it. Either decide to move back to England or decide to start enjoying it here. All of the ingredients are there - you can make either one happen, you just need to start (and if you're worried about being too liberal, head on over here to California, you'll be in heaven). Go out, make friends, take charge in your work life...tell your ex wife to piss off... or move back and who cares what your family think, you've already said you don't want them in your life anyway.

AdobePinon

+1. Western OR or WA, possibly northern CA.

Or Florida will drive you so nuts you end up happily back in MA.

Alternatively, you could take advantage of that shiny EU passport and move back across the pond and over the channel.

Trixie_b

I feel for you. life is sometimes shite. I too have a crappy family situation in the UK, luckily, married an excellent hubster here in the US. But I do often reflect on what I would do if something were to happen to him or if our relationship were to head south.

Under those circumstances, I'd not return to the UK, but I'm unsure if I'd stay in the US either. I'd travel some more. We can always be frugal, and it makes us more appreciative. I think we forget that we can always start from "ground Zero" and build our lives into whatever we want them to be.
Whatever you do, good luck, life starts now................

penguinsix

The worst of your reality will never trump the best of your memories. And it doesn't matter if you are a Brit in the US or a Yank in the UK--if you are constantly comparing your current situations which is bad against only the better memories of what was good, you'll always opt for the latter.

I'm not saying a move isn't the best option. From what more you've written it does seem like you have a strong case for moving back. I just would caution it's not the UK you left, and I'm not talking in the Daily Mail kind of sense but in the more personal sense that many of your friends, family, colleagues, experiences, etc have moved on or changed in ways you don't really expect. You should have a look at the Moving Back to the UK forums for the terms "ping pong"--expats who go over only to realize they've made a big mistake.

All that said, are you sure you are in the right place in the USA? This doesn't have to be a binary US v. UK decision. There are parts of the US where there are more options for health care, or people who think more 'European' on some issues, where the weather is cooler or even grey at times. Just because your corner of the US isn't the best fit doesn't mean there might not be one that is better suited. It might be a good short-term move to see if you can make it here a bit easier or whether a full return is needed.

The other option is to try and scrape together a visit somehow. If you don't have the cash try signing up for an airmiles credit card that gives you 20,000 miles as a bonus and then put as much as you can on it (i.e. pay for your day-to-day with it, paying it off of course) to see if you can get a ticket home. Take a look and see what awaits if you do decide to leave.

Good luck with the tough choices ahead.