Noorah101

How does your fiancee feel? Is she going back to the UK with you?

Rene

miami078

Hi everybody

Similar to Chesireman I am finding it hard to settle. It has actually become harder over as time went on. I have been here in Essex County NJ for 6 months. To begin with I was plodding along ok but over the past few weeks I have become increasingly depressed about my future life here. Mine is strange situation with other things contributing e.g We are currently living with the in-laws, my husband is having difficulty finding work and as a result I had to find work within 2 weeks of moving here so I didn’t get a chance to acclimatize, even more so the job I am doing is not at all my cup of tea its more of less the same job I did in the UK for the last 3 years which I only did to save for our visa and moving costs and I thought when I moved here I would finally be able to follow my career which is inconsistant and not well paid….but without my husband being in work I have had to go back to the slightly better paid job but no job satisfaction. I seemed to have moved to the USA to do the same job but this time without the benefit of the friends I had there! (I know however that in todays economy I am very very lucky and as the main breadwinner this is completely necessary but I though it important to be honest and understand that I am sure this situation isn’t helping me ‘enjoy’ life here at the moment).

The biggest issues I am finding is the differences between US and UK personalities, particularly the women (sorry I don’t mean to offence anybody I am just commenting on my observations). We live in the suburbs with no town centre and coming from Liverpool where we could walk to pubs etc this again is a big difference. I obviously miss having friends in the area that I could call upon to pop over for a drink, instead going out of an evening seems a big strategic event. I had really placed a lot of faith on developing friendships at my current job. Things looked a little promising to begin with, with people offering we go for coffee, or meals etc….but then the strangest thing….nothing transpired…..I even tried to get a few dates in peoples diaries and they all feel through….this happened quite a lot…I also find a lot of the personalities to be in-sincere. I am used to people who if they don’t like you they don’t bother with you or are polite but nothing more. Over here I am confused as I find people being overly nice to somebody and then as soon as they walk away the bitching starts. It has left me feeling unsettled, conned and now I have stopped making an effort (hey I gave it 3 months) and I no longer trust peoples’ responses. those who were overly nice a few weeks ago now come into work and dont even say hello! Even scarier I have started experimenting and being overly fake myself e.g over enthusiastic about saying hello to somebody in the morning which just left me feeling like a fraud and vowing to myself never to do it again. I now more or less come into work every day and sit in silence for 7 hours….needless to say as a result I am starting to really miss my friends back in the UK.

My background is within behavioural analysis so I hope I am pretty observant with these things and if I had the room I could analyse the above a lot more but it doesn’t change the fact that I am wondering if my personality is really just too different a species to ever fit in over here. I can be a little shy to begin with but not overly (hey I used to work in the entertainment industry and could be just as loud as the rest)! But it seems over here you have to have a bigger than life personality. I am interested if any nybody had any similar situations or feel that Americans sometimes just don’t get the British? Or even if this is more New Jersey than other states? Also how would you recommend building up a social circle when you live in the suburbs? I am thinking of volunteering but apart from that – how do you deal with the feeling that you may never fit in?

HumphreyC

I think my situation is similar in some ways in that I am now the breadwinner (took my UK job over with me). Economy has been pretty ****** terrible and my wife is struggling to find anything. Luckily we are living in my mother in law's attic and my income covers the essentials (H/C, contributing to bills etc). Ive moved around quite a lot and I think it takes a while to settle in places. I don't think the U.S is unusual in that respect. Sometimes you luck out and can build social networks pretty quickly. When I first moved to the suburbs of North London I found it very difficult to build them up and had similar experiences to what you describe. Took me 3 years to settle. I would say my social life is probably better now in the U.S than it was back then. The locals take a while to understand your accent but once they do there is a lot of common ground there.

When I first got here I went to some brew fest and these massive tattooed guys came up to me. I thought I was going to get the shit kicked out of me. Instead, after insisting that I 'talk English' to them for a bit and one of saying my accent 'gave them a boner' they said I had to go to their local and they would buy me a round. Didn't go in the end; probably wise!.

EDIT:

Great wiki on the subject here:

http://britishexpats.com/wiki/Making_Friends_in_America

Lissbovavd

I think it all to a large extent boils down to one and each individual´s unique experience, but I do think that some states/areas of the US are probably easier for a Brit or other European to settle down in than others.

I have myself found Wisconsin (and also Michigan and Minnesota) to have a very European flavour. My lovely girlfriend lives in central Wisconsin, so I know that state fairly well, although I´m currently living in Sweden, being Swedish myself. As a city I also find Minneapolis-St Paul very appealing and unusually "European" to be in the US, much more so than e.g. Chicago.

Just my thoughts on this interesting subject.

Scott33

It has to be said, a lot of the home grown USCs really struggle to understand spoken (true) English, and more so with the heavier dialects like Liverpudlian, Geordie, Glaswegian, Dundonian etc.

I have no problem dumbing it down a little, but the language barrier has definitely played its part in finding my friends here.

valspal

[QUOTE=miami078;8867901]Hi everybody
You are spot on in your observations. I thought it was a So. California thing although it doesn't surprise me that it might be throughout the country. There are people that you will find that you connect with, that get you, but not easy to find. Yes ive done the faking it, but mostly, apart from a few friends, stick to myself. I find socializing not easy, anxiety producing more than fun like in U.k. Its not easy to just be yourself, if doing so, you don't fit in. You get used to it and accept it after a while it becomes normal, but never the same.

cheshireman

Hi All

Well I went and stuck to my plans on coming back and having just arrived back in UK realise what a blunder I may have made.

We didnt get as far as getting married and the AOS as I was wanting a job so badly.
My fiances house was being redone with vinly siding and it opened up a can of worms literally as a new pation door to the deck was required and new floor beam that was rotted and had to be jacked up under the house to replace it.
Plus this work wasnt included in the project cost of the house association.
Hence helping fund that left me short and banks not willing to lend.


I had tried a lot in the ski resorts of the North east Pennsylvania, even walmart, lowes, homedepotand numerous others to mention.

I know they say if you leave before the aos 'you cant re-enter but im going to give it a shot with the us embassy.

You never no they might allow it as it was extenuating circumstances.

If not it looks like im back for a while.

Cheshireman

geeandtee

[QUOTE=miami078;8867901]
The biggest issues I am finding is the differences between US and UK personalities, particularly the women (sorry I don’t mean to offence anybody I am just commenting on my observations).

I had really placed a lot of faith on developing friendships at my current job. Things looked a little promising to begin with, with people offering we go for coffee, or meals etc….but then the strangest thing….nothing transpired…..I even tried to get a few dates in peoples diaries and they all feel through….this happened quite a lot…I also find a lot of the personalities to be in-sincere. I am used to people who if they don’t like you they don’t bother with you or are polite but nothing more. Over here I am confused as I find people being overly nice to somebody and then as soon as they walk away the bitching starts. It has left me feeling unsettled, conned and now I have stopped making an effort (hey I gave it 3 months) and I no longer trust peoples’ responses. those who were overly nice a few weeks ago now come into work and dont even say hello! Even scarier I have started experimenting and being overly fake myself e.g over enthusiastic about saying hello to somebody in the morning which just left me feeling like a fraud and vowing to myself never to do it again. I now more or less come into work every day and sit in silence for 7 hours….needless to say as a result I am starting to really miss my friends back in the UK.

QUOTE]

This is what I experienced as well.
At first, I suspect I was a 'novelty'. It was a small town and English people just don't normally fetch up in a dirtwater town in the AZ desert. After a little while, the invitations tailed off as people discovered I was really nothing exotic. Over the years I retreated more and more into a shell. I found I had very little in common with the locals. Plus, for years, my husband was on an H4 and he couldn't work and that really got to him. Our marriage nearly went tits up.

In the last two years, the job became more and more stressful, miserable, etc. I couldn't bring myself to kowtow to the 'right people'. I knew the writing was on the wall when my AOS was denied and all my employers did was send one email to McCain and my boss made some crack about the perfect job for me, he'd seen it in the paper, a vacancy for the Wookey Hole Witch. There didn't seem to be many congratulations in the air when the AOS situation was sorted.

When I was laid off, yes I was upset, because I knew we would lose so much, but part of me was relieved that it was all over after 8 years and we had to return to the UK.

Here we are, bunking in a friend's flat, without work and living off my cashed-in AZ pension, but I'd rather be here. Sometimes, I reckon, things happen for a reason.

meauxna

You did not have 'extenuating circumstances'. You were here one month applying for jobs and could not get an interview. I'll even give you 'two months', but your mind was made up after one.

You have used up your K-1 visa. If you'd like to discuss your future immigration options, please have a thread in one of the immigration forums.

miami078

Wow I cant express how thankful I am to hear some of the responses and to learn I am not alone in these observations, although at the same time I am concerned that there are alot of people out there who have had experienced similar situations but with no real 'good' outcome. Lissbovavd does suggest that more european states may be more accomodating which is interesting as my one friend here who is an older man said if he had met me before I moved over and I had asked him where not to move to he would have said NJ for the for the difference in personality (he has a lot of european friends). Interestingly enough he has been suggesting places towards conneticut and massechusits and has named towns which have a very 'hippy' european and generally more 'accepting of anybody feel'. From reading the threads it does seem a common problem. With regards to accent although I am from Liverpool I have more of a standard english accent so I dont think its necessarily that (in fact I think thats more only one saving grace that. I have to agree with alot of points made though - there are people out there who generally do try and although I havent experienced the group of tatooed men yet I think I would proabaly feel more comfortable with them than the girls I have met do far! I do also think that yes once they find out you are english and dont peform any interesting tricks interest can waiver. This leaves you to try and find somehting in common to bond over (which yes is the same as moving to a new place in the Uk but without similar past experiences e.g high schools experiences or knowledge of the area etc it can make it harder.

A point I think is important to raise - I work for an international company and last week we had a gentleman from the UK visit to give a lecture. Aftewards my supervisor said a few people in my office had said he seemed really disinterested - I had not noticed this at all (which is unusual for me who is usually very observant and sensitive to nuances in personality etc) My supervisor said she thought it was a culture difference. I thought about this a little more and think I know why - he gave the lecture in a straight forward way - he made points succinctly and didnt 'over-emphasise' or try to play up any topics he covered. I hadnt noticed this as this is what I am used to being frmo the UK. I then compared this with lectures I have heard from usa counterparts in the company and they do seem to try and 'sell' things a little more over here and be a little too over emphatic. I guess an accessible example would be looking at something like Jerry springer and how 'over the top' things are delivered as oppose to something like kilroy in the UK. Thats just the way I think the english culture is, I think we appear very reserved sometimes to our american counterparts. When I hear girls at work talking about something they did last night it sounds like a huge rollercoaster of emotions when in fact they may just be saying they got to starbucks and it didnt have their brand of coffee - believe me european girls can do this and I have with my friends but not to the extent or frequency I find here. I also find a little more diplomacy in the Uk when giving bad news or constructive criticism here sometimes it borders on rude to me (although my husband says they are not being rude its just the tone of voice). More direct is maybe more accurate.

I do find it interesting but the key is how to address this in the future. I dont want to continue staying in my shell nor do I want to feign americaness. I do know this is slighlty generalized that you are going to meet people who you can click with and find common ground but when the lack of conneciton is more common than not it can be hard.

Interestingly we visited kansas and although we were in a small town in the middle of nowehere it seemed more laid back and although not eurpoean I felt more at ease and as if the people there were more within my pace if that makes sense.

So where does that leave us? Looking for more european towns or moving further south? I like the way of life over here and although I miss my family and friends in the UK I couldnt imagine living there again because I like the feel of things out here - but if I am also not willing to cut myself of from everybody here as that is no way to live.

So if anybody has had any more interesting stories regarding this I would love to hear them. Maybe a road trip is required where my husband and I can go from town to town and talk to the locals - kind off like interviewing our prospective community!

Sally Redux

I have just been to a parents' evening at the school - endless announcements over the PA system about the AMAZING FANTASTIC staff and the AMAZING work they do and the AMAZING kids and this is the BEST school ever and no school could compare to it ad nauseam whoop whoop Go Coyotes

Mummy in the foothills

Yeah we just had that last week, you'd think it was M.I.T elementary.
I get caught out on a regular basis, you'd think I know better after all these years. I get a bit too relaxed with my friends and then they do the American, typical, we'll do lunch.
But I'm having a bad morning anyway which doesn't help. Ds had his first mini panic in UK and emailed me (like that helps it was 4am here) so that puts me in a panic and I'm still shaking 2 hours later, then I get the never mind it's all OK email Pain the butt kids. I hate being so far even if he has just turned 22.

Sally Redux

Aww hope everything is all right with him

Mummy in the foothills

Oh yeah he's fine, his Gran has gone on holiday, so he's all alone and had a mini freak out lost his keys, what a wuss! still I feel like we should be closer to be in driving distance at least.
He has one week to calm down before his new job starts so it's good practice, Hell at his age I had moved to the US and was getting ready to get married.

Derrygal

Today's children (or I should say young adults) are far less mature than our generation was at that age. I was married with 2 children at the age of 25. My youngest daughter is 32 and although she is married, there is no way I can see her with a child. I think she would freak out.