solitary son

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I wondered if anyone here can give me any advice. I moved to the US just under a year ago and I've gone through many of the 'culture shock' emotions that many of you have decribed so well in these forums.

I'm here on an L-1, my wife is on L-2, and I haven't decided yet whether or not to stay in the US. My thinking at the moment is that while there are definite upsides to living here, the downsides (for me at least) probably outweigh them.
The biggest factor for me (to my surprise) has been missing my friends and family. I had always thought of myself as pretty independent and self-sufficient, but I find that I miss them all more than I ever would have expected.

Anyway, I digress...I don't want to bore you all with the details but I am beginning to wonder if I should get a divorce. My wife and I have been married for a couple of years, no kids.
Does anyone on here know what the issues are, legally speaking, concerning getting divorced over here? For example, is it complicated by the fact that we're both UK citizens who got married in the UK?
Would it even be possible for us to divorce over here?
I'm not sure what's going to happen between us but I'd just like to have a clearer picture of my options.

Sorry my first post is such a downbeat one, but I don't know anyone who I can talk to about this!

Thanks for any advice.

Englishmum

My Australian friend (now a green card holder) divorced her husband last September....although oddly enough he is back living with her again but the relationship is very strained.

She did see a divorce attorney in the US and it is/was possible to get a divorce here....but the fees were expensive and she got her family attorney in Sydney to arrange for the divorce as it was much cheaper...it was a 'no contest' divorce and quite straightforward (even though they have small children) and as both parties had willingly signed the papers they were FedExed to Oz and the divorce went through with no problems.

Have you had any counselling? I don't know if there is a US version of 'Relate' (formerly known as the Marriage Guidance Council) but I should imagine that it's probably something to consider before calling it a day on your marriage. Does your wife want to stay in the US? I think you need to talk....

Good Luck.

PS. My friend's ex-husband is also Australian and a green card holder as he is a dependant of his wife and came to the States due to her employment here....he has never worked in the US and is a stay at home dad.

solitary son

Thanks for your reply!

I'm not at the stage of actually calling the lawyer yet, I'm just trying to figure out my/our options. That's an interesting idea about getting a lawyer back home, I reckon it might be a good bit more straightforward with a British lawyer.
I've had some frustrating experiences with American bureaucracy!

Your reply made me think of another issue - would my wife be allowed to stay here if we divorced? Since she's on an L-2 spouse visa I'm not sure.
She has a job but I think if we split up she would likely go back to the UK. Can't say for sure though.

Englishmum

Well, I guess that the fact that she is allowed to live and work in the US is because her L2 (dependant) visa is linked to your L1 visa, so I imagine that if she is no longer considered your 'dependant' then her L2 wouldn't be valid in the event of a divorce?.


Would she be able to qualify for a visa eg. L1, H1 or E (business) visa in her own right?

Maz

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Have you and your wife passed the point of no return, or is there some hope of reconciliation? I've been in the Chicago area for coming on ten years now and only recently learned of a British social club right on my doorstep! There is help and support out there for ex-pats, you just have to search for it, just like I wasn't.

I can really, strongly relate to missing friends and family back home. My parents are going on holiday for two weeks this Friday without access to a phone, and I'm already feeling a mild panic setting in. It's rotten and you have my condolences. There's little you can do to alleviate that, apart from visiting lots, though that's expensive with airline tickets the way they are right now!, and finding some local British social clubs, or starting your own and advertising.

Best of luck with everything.

solitary son

I'm not sure if she would be eligible to stay on her own - possibly. We never really looked into that since my job was our reason for coming here in the first place.

I don't think we're past the point of no return...yet. Without going into too much detail, I think it's me who is more unhappy with the marriage (yet I don't have a clear reason why, something just feels wrong or missing in my life).
I think my unhappiness and withdrawal from her is, in turn, what is causing her to be a bit unhappy too.
To complicate matters, I have recently developed some strong feelings for an American girl I met recently. Not that I have acted on these feelings, but it tells me that something is either wrong with me or with my marriage that I should be thinking of someone other than my wife in this way.
God, I didn't mean to turn this into a relationship forum - sorry.

I don't doubt that at least some our issues are related to us being over here.
We do have some British friends (and some American ones too!) but without wanting to sound callous, there's no substitute for your family and your 'old' friends. At least not for me, I guess everyone reacts differently.

TouristTrap

I think you should have a thorough read on the Aus/NZ forum, as well as the going back to the UK forum, which will shed some light on what you and your missus are going through.

Sounds like your troubles are due to the stress which comes from emigrating to another country. Most marriages go through a tough time when you first emigrate, no matter where you are moving to, but things eventually settle in. It takes 2 to 5 years to get used to living in a new country, where you feel that you're home.

Everyone of us has gone through what you are going through.

BritGuyTN

Please do everything you can to avoid becoming another number in the USA divorce stats

married life is rarely easy, and temptations are always going be to placed in front of you at some point along the way. immigration is a massive stress and this can place additional pressure on a marriage that would not otherwise be there - how much of this can you attribute to your move?

I've thought a couple of times about walking out on my relationship but you just have to think about all the reasons you got married in the first placen and work to try and recapture them

you don't mention how old you are, but unfortunately some people just get married before they are 'ready' for it (mainly in the southeastern USA however)

solitary son

I'm 28 and got married about 3 years ago - I thought I was 100% ready but who knows?
Not really immigration-related, but if I'm honest I just don't feel the same about her as I used to. I suppose a level of complacency and apathy has crept in and I don't feel 'in love' any more. Maybe this is normal, I don't know.

BritGuyTN

I'm around the same age. I think complacency or apathy is typical at some stage in any relationship. I think you just need to try and get through it

ask yourself - this girl you may have feelings for - are they work destroying a 3-5 (or more) year investment of your time?

do you guys travel much? what about going on a few trips this summer to try and inject some pizazz?

solitary son

You're probably right on the first point, it's stupid really, but I guess this other girl (who I just met recently) made me feel the way I used to about my wife. There is a definite spark between us, and I find myself thinking about her far too much. Of course I realise this is the kind of feeling that usually wears off in a relationship eventually.
But, it makes me realise that something is very wrong in my marriage if I can feel like this about someone else. Although I haven't acted on my feelings, the guilt over this is actually chewing me up! Crazy, isn't it?

As for travel, we have travelled as much as my crappy US vacation entitlement (2 weeks per year!) will allow. We'll probably have some more long weekends away over the summer. I don't know if will add any pzazz - maybe. I do know that I don't feel romantic about my wife any more though. I don't even enjoy physical contact with her any more, which she has remarked upon. Yet I do love her. Again, apologies for the psychobabble but I need to get this stuff out somehow!

ladylisa

What this other woman is doing is making you feel good, which maybe you havent felt from your wife because of apathy on both your parts. I think you would be a fool to have an affair with someone else, you will regret it in the long run. You asked your wife to come out here for you, she gave up her life and probably feels as lost as you do. You now you owe her your loyalty. Speak to your wife about how you are feeling, you both should be given the opportunity to get your relationship right first.

rincewind

Sorry to hear that you are going through the lows of being in the US. I'm also still waiting for the highs

I would take a step back and see if the reason that you are unhappy is due to the relocation and whether that is putting a strain on your marriage.

Or, is there another problem within the marriage? I'm not asking, I'm just thinking out loud.

If being in the States is putting the pressure on, then look to the reasons why you are here. Can you relocate somewhere else? Would that be better or would it just make the situation worse?

Either way, you need to look at the true problems and try and work them out together.

But at the end of the day, only you and your spouse know what needs to be done and I'm sure discussing the situation (trying not to throw objects) would be the first step.

I hope you work it out and I hope you stick around the board long enough for us all to get to know you.

Lottie

Sorry you're having a tough time out here. I'd suggest asking the VISA part of this question in the US visa forum as they are some extremely helpful people; Ivonne, Crg, Inngo who may be able to give you specific advice about your wife's VISA situation. From memory, I think she may be able to stay if you separate, although its not something you should probably highlight to the authorities. I also had a vague recollection that if you are separated that you (L-1 holder) are financially response for your spouse.....

But from a non-VISA perspective, does she have any idea that you're thinking about something as big as divorce? As Englishmum suggests maybe you could head for some counselling. I imagine if its anything like my husband and I, its been a pretty emotionally hard time - both ups and downs - we have been out here 8 months now. We've known each other for 14 years, been married for coming up 8 years (no kids) and we argued so badly in the first month of being out here there were times went I felt like packing both me and the cat back on the next plane to the UK.

I don't have a magic answer, but the only real advice I could give is to talk to your wife (although I would probably hold off mentioning you've been thinking about divorce!). At the minute it seems she has no real idea of how serious things have got. Remember as well that being out here and this going on will be far harder for her as:
a) she's not the one who has these feelings
b) she hasn't got the support network that she has back home

I hope you come back to the forum, the people here are very friendly and are always here to lend an ear or some advice (for you to follow or dismiss). Whatever, you shouldn't ever feel like you're on your own.

Celtic_Angel

Hi solitary son, welcome to Expats...and yeah leaving friends and family back home is difficult and never really gets easier....you know that here at Expats most of us can relate

Is there a reason you can't just return to the U.K? If your wife is also a Brit won't she be going through this homesickness too?

It sounds to me like you still love your wife and you guys are FAR from "the point of no return"
As for this other woman I honestly think you are thinking to deeply about it- just because you enjoy the company of another woman (or heck even fantasize about her occasionally) doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your relationship.....only when you've slept with this other woman will you have" passed the point of no return"

I'm gonna be corny and say life is full of up's and downs and so too is marriage .....I've thought about , fantasized about and talked about divorcing my husband over the years to family and with him....heck sometimes when I'm at my most homesick the solution was always pack up and go home!(I married an American)

But had I done so on any occasion( and sometimes hon it was lack of airfare that stopped me *lol*) I'd have been the one who missed out, when the going gets good and it always does I just thank heaven I never jumped ship.....If you deeply love and trust each other then I think you'll be okay...it's normal not to always be attracted to, or besotted with your spouse...heck it's human!!!

Believe me if you both communicate and share your feelings of homesickness and remain open and above all honest with your wife...you'll get through this stage and before you know it you'll be one lustfull puppy again

Good luck, and talk to your wife