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Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Old Oct 14th 2017, 6:05 pm
  #1  
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Default Anxious of the thought of going back to US

It's been a few years since I used and posted on here but I loved this site when I need it a while ago.
Me (UKC) and my (USC) are seriously competing bunny hopping back to the US. We lived there together and moved to the UK 6 years ago but hubby hates it here. With a passion. It's a big stress for both of us. We've since had two kids in the UK so we'd be moving back in completely different circumstances.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking on here, other than just saying I'm incredibly anxious about moving. I'm not against it, but I have family and friends (my metaphorical village) here (I still have some friends in the US). I've no idea about the US school system which my son will be starting in the next couple years.
We still have a house in Minnesota where we'd live so that helps. But I'm anxious about irrational, little things. Like there not being digestive biscuits when I need them. And everyone laughing at my accent again. And my children growing up thinking corn dogs are actually food!
Please help to reassure me that it'll be ok!
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Old Oct 14th 2017, 6:28 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

I have lived in the US for 69 years and have never had a corn dog or digestive biscuit. If you can survive the Minnesota winters the rest will be easy.
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Old Oct 14th 2017, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

You are fearful of change and the unknown. Fully understandable. BTW digestives are available in all major supermarkets so you won't be without them or your Hob Nobs, or Red Rose Tea or Bisto or Bird's Custard. You will be without friends and family close by to go to for a bit of a chin wag or a group of friends to go to the local pub with.

BTW corn dogs are food. They are simply hot dogs coated in corn bread as opposed to a hot dog sitting in an open hot dog bun.

Schooling in the US isn't all that bad in comparison to the UK. Have a read of several of the threads on this page alone from people emigrating here with children and their queries about school, grades, etc.

You must be somewhat familiar with the US if you still have friends here. Now this Yank will step aside and let your fellow British and Irish countrymen and women have their opportunity to soothe your jangled nerves.

Last edited by Rete; Oct 14th 2017 at 8:31 pm.
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Old Oct 14th 2017, 9:53 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Why did you leave the US to go to the UK? Just wondering about that. Does that have any bearing on why you are so anxious about coming back?
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 2:42 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Well... a few reassurances.

When your children go to nursery and school it's a great chance to make your new circle of friends and create your village. I found it so much easier to create a new life in this country when I had children than I did without.

You can get Digestives in the supermarket.

The education system is pretty good in a lot of places. You really need to look at the schools in the area where you already have your house. If they're not that good, then you might consider moving.

My children have lived here 10 years and still know that corndogs are not food. :-)
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 3:28 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Schools can be very good and very bad, just like in the UK. You can easily get ratings on https://www.greatschools.org . The better school areas tend to have higher property taxes and more expensive houses, like in the UK.

I'm curious why hubby hates the UK so much. We keep thinking about moving back, (US to UK)
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 3:47 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

The atmosphere of suspicion and hate being fostered by Trump should lead anyone to be apprehensive of coming to America.
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 3:54 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Originally Posted by kimilseung View Post
The atmosphere of suspicion and hate being fostered by Trump should lead anyone to be apprehensive of coming to America.
Having a no-plan PM in charge of a country is not much better. Trump is still trying to kill the economy, May has pretty much succeeded.

https://qz.com/1082524/uk-gdp-growth...g-to-the-oecd/
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 5:00 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Donald Trump and Theresa May should not be factors - and I mean, at all - in your decision to move.

There is nothing abnormal in feeling stress about moving halfway around the world.

If you already have a house in Minnesota and are already going back there, then it's not entirely unfamiliar.

The schooling situation will be fine.

I am just wondering - do you live in Northern Ireland? Would your husband be open to trying a different part of the UK before moving back to the US? Could just be your particular situation as it now stands, and not "UK" as a whole.

As well it would help the forum if you would elaborate on what brought you back to the UK to begin with.
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 8:00 am
  #10  
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Thanks for all the reassurance.

We moved to the UK to be closer to my family for when we had kids. Also factors were the NHS, better time off from work etc.

We live in England very close to my sister which is great but they are a busy family too and we don't always get to see them much. They help when they can but it's not loads. My parents are in Northern Ireland and we see them about every other month. I'd desperately miss being so close to them. But my hubby hates it so much here it's affecting our marriage and I'm primarily thinking of that. I'll tolerate the US much better than he tolerates the UK.

His biggest issue is the weather. He can't stand grey days and there's a lot of them. Also not a fan of dreary rain. Minnesota is cold and snowy but not frequently grey.

He's also struggled to make friends here. He's become depressed and withdrawn and he's determined he doesn't want to live here. He resents me for the move and like I say, it's been a big stress for us. I'm reluctant to move as I'm worried he thinks it's a magic formula for feeling better. I think it will definitely help but I'm cautious. I also feel like I don't have much choice.

He's also self employed (as am I when I'm not on maternity leave) so he doesn't benefit from good holiday time off etc. The NHS has been amazing and I'll miss it a lot especially with kids. Complications with my first baby were looked after seemleesly and not a mention of money...I don't think a lot of Brits value the NHS enough.

And yes as much as we want to ignore it, politics is a big fat ugly reality. We've got Trump on one side and Brexit on the other and neither of us are keen on either situation.

Despite how my husband feels, I think it's been good for us to move here. He understands where I come from much better. He's changed his attitude to some things and he appreciates what it feels like to feel a bit foreign in another country. I just hope he can see it as a positive thing eventually.

Last edited by nirish83; Oct 15th 2017 at 8:15 am.
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 2:32 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

advice from me.

NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket".

The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids.

A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance.

It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been.

Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too.
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 2:44 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Originally Posted by petitefrancaise View Post
advice from me.

NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket".

The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids.

A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance.

It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been.

Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too.
I would also add that should the marriage break up while you are in the US...you may not be able to move back to the UK with your children unless your husband gives his legal consent. This is something that has arisen on BE several times over the years...one parent finds themselves stuck in a country they don’t wish to be in because of custody issues.
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 4:38 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl View Post
I would also add that should the marriage break up while you are in the US...you may not be able to move back to the UK with your children unless your husband gives his legal consent. This is something that has arisen on BE several times over the years...one parent finds themselves stuck in a country they don’t wish to be in because of custody issues.

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Old Oct 15th 2017, 5:04 pm
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

Originally Posted by kins View Post
When your children go to nursery and school it's a great chance to make your new circle of friends and create your village. I found it so much easier to create a new life in this country when I had children than I did without.
I do agree with this. You last lived with your husband in the USA as a childless couple, correct? For you--and perhaps for your husband as well--to live in the exact same US town (and even, it sounds, in the same house) will not be the same experience at all. Because now you have two young children & thus a whole new focus of life and probably a mostly new circle of friends & acquaintances.

This could be both good & bad--the pro being that things that dismayed you once about living in that part of America may no longer be important or even happening, the con being that having children ups the ante on everything problematic, such as marital problems, financial difficulties, etc.... Children change the whole picture, so you (and perhaps your husband) will experience a very different country than you did last time, I'll wager.

I've lived in 4 countries total, and the ones I moved to with children were totally different from the countries I moved to as a single or as part of a childless couple, but there's no way to know how different until one actually experiences it.
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Old Oct 16th 2017, 12:08 am
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Default Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US

I agree with the others that moving to fix a marriage is unlikely to work. Was he happy in the US and his misery only started after the move, or were there issues in Minnesota beforehand?

There are a lot of lifestyle differences between the US and UK; I don't find it that unusual that an American would have trouble adapting to and/or not enjoy living in the UK. I know plenty of Americans who have fit that category.

Sometimes moves just don't work out.

Financially, will it be an improvement to move? Money can't buy happiness but it can make life a whole lot more comfortable and reduce the intensity of problems.

Unfortunately in these big moves - and there are legions of threads on this - problems can happen when one person loves it and one person hates it. That, also, is not unusual.

So . . . if the issues started after moving to the UK and financially you will be fine or better off in Minnesota, that is one circumstance . . . if there were issues beforehand and you are going into an uncertain financial situation . . . that is another thing altogether.
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