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Anxious of the thought of going back to US
It's been a few years since I used and posted on here but I loved this site when I need it a while ago.
Me (UKC) and my (USC) are seriously competing bunny hopping back to the US. We lived there together and moved to the UK 6 years ago but hubby hates it here. With a passion. It's a big stress for both of us. We've since had two kids in the UK so we'd be moving back in completely different circumstances. I'm not really sure what I'm asking on here, other than just saying I'm incredibly anxious about moving. I'm not against it, but I have family and friends (my metaphorical village) here (I still have some friends in the US). I've no idea about the US school system which my son will be starting in the next couple years. We still have a house in Minnesota where we'd live so that helps. But I'm anxious about irrational, little things. Like there not being digestive biscuits when I need them. And everyone laughing at my accent again. And my children growing up thinking corn dogs are actually food! Please help to reassure me that it'll be ok! |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
I have lived in the US for 69 years and have never had a corn dog or digestive biscuit. If you can survive the Minnesota winters the rest will be easy.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
You are fearful of change and the unknown. Fully understandable. BTW digestives are available in all major supermarkets so you won't be without them or your Hob Nobs, or Red Rose Tea or Bisto or Bird's Custard. You will be without friends and family close by to go to for a bit of a chin wag or a group of friends to go to the local pub with.
BTW corn dogs are food. They are simply hot dogs coated in corn bread as opposed to a hot dog sitting in an open hot dog bun. Schooling in the US isn't all that bad in comparison to the UK. Have a read of several of the threads on this page alone from people emigrating here with children and their queries about school, grades, etc. You must be somewhat familiar with the US if you still have friends here. Now this Yank will step aside and let your fellow British and Irish countrymen and women have their opportunity to soothe your jangled nerves. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Why did you leave the US to go to the UK? Just wondering about that. Does that have any bearing on why you are so anxious about coming back?
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Well... a few reassurances.
When your children go to nursery and school it's a great chance to make your new circle of friends and create your village. I found it so much easier to create a new life in this country when I had children than I did without. You can get Digestives in the supermarket. The education system is pretty good in a lot of places. You really need to look at the schools in the area where you already have your house. If they're not that good, then you might consider moving. My children have lived here 10 years and still know that corndogs are not food. :-) |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Schools can be very good and very bad, just like in the UK. You can easily get ratings on https://www.greatschools.org . The better school areas tend to have higher property taxes and more expensive houses, like in the UK.
I'm curious why hubby hates the UK so much. We keep thinking about moving back, (US to UK) |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
The atmosphere of suspicion and hate being fostered by Trump should lead anyone to be apprehensive of coming to America.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by kimilseung
(Post 12361202)
The atmosphere of suspicion and hate being fostered by Trump should lead anyone to be apprehensive of coming to America.
https://qz.com/1082524/uk-gdp-growth...g-to-the-oecd/ |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Donald Trump and Theresa May should not be factors - and I mean, at all - in your decision to move.
There is nothing abnormal in feeling stress about moving halfway around the world. If you already have a house in Minnesota and are already going back there, then it's not entirely unfamiliar. The schooling situation will be fine. I am just wondering - do you live in Northern Ireland? Would your husband be open to trying a different part of the UK before moving back to the US? Could just be your particular situation as it now stands, and not "UK" as a whole. As well it would help the forum if you would elaborate on what brought you back to the UK to begin with. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Thanks for all the reassurance.
We moved to the UK to be closer to my family for when we had kids. Also factors were the NHS, better time off from work etc. We live in England very close to my sister which is great but they are a busy family too and we don't always get to see them much. They help when they can but it's not loads. My parents are in Northern Ireland and we see them about every other month. I'd desperately miss being so close to them. But my hubby hates it so much here it's affecting our marriage and I'm primarily thinking of that. I'll tolerate the US much better than he tolerates the UK. His biggest issue is the weather. He can't stand grey days and there's a lot of them. Also not a fan of dreary rain. Minnesota is cold and snowy but not frequently grey. He's also struggled to make friends here. He's become depressed and withdrawn and he's determined he doesn't want to live here. He resents me for the move and like I say, it's been a big stress for us. I'm reluctant to move as I'm worried he thinks it's a magic formula for feeling better. I think it will definitely help but I'm cautious. I also feel like I don't have much choice. He's also self employed (as am I when I'm not on maternity leave) so he doesn't benefit from good holiday time off etc. The NHS has been amazing and I'll miss it a lot especially with kids. Complications with my first baby were looked after seemleesly and not a mention of money...I don't think a lot of Brits value the NHS enough. And yes as much as we want to ignore it, politics is a big fat ugly reality. We've got Trump on one side and Brexit on the other and neither of us are keen on either situation. Despite how my husband feels, I think it's been good for us to move here. He understands where I come from much better. He's changed his attitude to some things and he appreciates what it feels like to feel a bit foreign in another country. I just hope he can see it as a positive thing eventually. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
advice from me.
NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket". The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids. A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance. It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been. Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12361449)
advice from me.
NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket". The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids. A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance. It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been. Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by Jerseygirl
(Post 12361455)
I would also add that should the marriage break up while you are in the US...you may not be able to move back to the UK with your children unless your husband gives his legal consent. This is something that has arisen on BE several times over the years...one parent finds themselves stuck in a country they don’t wish to be in because of custody issues.
:goodpost: |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by kins
(Post 12361190)
When your children go to nursery and school it's a great chance to make your new circle of friends and create your village. I found it so much easier to create a new life in this country when I had children than I did without.
This could be both good & bad--the pro being that things that dismayed you once about living in that part of America may no longer be important or even happening, the con being that having children ups the ante on everything problematic, such as marital problems, financial difficulties, etc.... Children change the whole picture, so you (and perhaps your husband) will experience a very different country than you did last time, I'll wager. I've lived in 4 countries total, and the ones I moved to with children were totally different from the countries I moved to as a single or as part of a childless couple, but there's no way to know how different until one actually experiences it. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
I agree with the others that moving to fix a marriage is unlikely to work. Was he happy in the US and his misery only started after the move, or were there issues in Minnesota beforehand?
There are a lot of lifestyle differences between the US and UK; I don't find it that unusual that an American would have trouble adapting to and/or not enjoy living in the UK. I know plenty of Americans who have fit that category. Sometimes moves just don't work out. Financially, will it be an improvement to move? Money can't buy happiness but it can make life a whole lot more comfortable and reduce the intensity of problems. Unfortunately in these big moves - and there are legions of threads on this - problems can happen when one person loves it and one person hates it. That, also, is not unusual. So . . . if the issues started after moving to the UK and financially you will be fine or better off in Minnesota, that is one circumstance . . . if there were issues beforehand and you are going into an uncertain financial situation . . . that is another thing altogether. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by Jerseygirl
(Post 12361455)
I would also add that should the marriage break up while you are in the US...you may not be able to move back to the UK with your children unless your husband gives his legal consent. This is something that has arisen on BE several times over the years...one parent finds themselves stuck in a country they don’t wish to be in because of custody issues.
I think everyone who moves internationally with their family should be made aware of the Hague Convention on Childhood abductions and what it may mean for them. It's not just about abductions |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by nirish83
(Post 12361256)
Thanks for all the reassurance.
We moved to the UK to be closer to my family for when we had kids. Also factors were the NHS, better time off from work etc. We live in England very close to my sister which is great but they are a busy family too and we don't always get to see them much. They help when they can but it's not loads. My parents are in Northern Ireland and we see them about every other month. I'd desperately miss being so close to them. But my hubby hates it so much here it's affecting our marriage and I'm primarily thinking of that. I'll tolerate the US much better than he tolerates the UK. His biggest issue is the weather. He can't stand grey days and there's a lot of them. Also not a fan of dreary rain. Minnesota is cold and snowy but not frequently grey. He's also struggled to make friends here. He's become depressed and withdrawn and he's determined he doesn't want to live here. He resents me for the move and like I say, it's been a big stress for us. I'm reluctant to move as I'm worried he thinks it's a magic formula for feeling better. I think it will definitely help but I'm cautious. I also feel like I don't have much choice. He's also self employed (as am I when I'm not on maternity leave) so he doesn't benefit from good holiday time off etc. The NHS has been amazing and I'll miss it a lot especially with kids. Complications with my first baby were looked after seemleesly and not a mention of money...I don't think a lot of Brits value the NHS enough. And yes as much as we want to ignore it, politics is a big fat ugly reality. We've got Trump on one side and Brexit on the other and neither of us are keen on either situation. Despite how my husband feels, I think it's been good for us to move here. He understands where I come from much better. He's changed his attitude to some things and he appreciates what it feels like to feel a bit foreign in another country. I just hope he can see it as a positive thing eventually. If his only problem is weather, that's a sign you have a good life and don't really have any other real problems. It seems you have a good life in the UK with the bonus of family, so why don't you sell the house in Minnesota and buy a holiday home in Portugal/Spain. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12361787)
:goodpost:
I think everyone who moves internationally with their family should be made aware of the Hague Convention on Childhood abductions and what it may mean for them. It's not just about abductions I told me English wife when we married I couldn't live in England, but than again she never showed any desire to return. Socially I couldn't handle it and making a living out there...I couldn't imagine. It looks like an inside game more so than the states. Maybe if I had the cash I could've bought Lola before they went bankrupt. Just a thought. Maybe I coulda run a fishing boat? Fish & Chips place? |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by jeepster
(Post 12363515)
A bit over the top. Just a little.
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France. Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to. Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by Moses2013
(Post 12362742)
If his only problem is weather, that's a sign you have a good life and don't really have any other real problems. It seems you have a good life in the UK with the bonus of family, so why don't you sell the house in Minnesota and buy a holiday home in Portugal/Spain.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12363523)
you think?
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France. Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to. Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them. The question is, is she going to cut the apron strings to mom or make a go of her marriage? |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by mrken30
(Post 12363524)
Or maybe move closer to an airport and take advantage of Easy Jet flights.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Jeepster....
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice. Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that. Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then? So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12363799)
Jeepster....
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice. Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that. Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then? So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12361787)
:goodpost:
I think everyone who moves internationally with their family should be made aware of the Hague Convention on Childhood abductions and what it may mean for them. It's not just about abductions It would be a nice world if all parents put the interests of their children first, and realize marriage as well as life isn't perfect nor should one expect it to be. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12361449)
advice from me.
NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket". The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids. A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance. It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been. Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too. To me the first priority which is a better life for the children. Second, husband seems to be a bit immature, and moving to Minnesota may be just an escapist fantasy- and US is very hard place to be without a job or money and with children. On the other hand, if he has in a mature fashion mapped out how the family will be better off in Minnesota, maybe it could work out. Yes UK can be grey and weather not the best, but Spain is quite accessible and cheap to visit for a break. As far as the politics who really cares on a day to day basis. Trump or May wont be there forever. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
What a depressing thread. Anyone consider that hubbie is right and Minnesota is nicer than England? Because I tend to agree on that point.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by Steve_
(Post 12365575)
What a depressing thread. Anyone consider that hubbie is right and Minnesota is nicer than England? Because I tend to agree on that point.
did you not read the first post or even the OP's second post in this thread? It's not just about whether MN or the UK is a better place to live. If they'd stayed, for example, I wonder what kind of bill they would have had with a difficult birth? FWIW. I'd vote for England over Minnesota. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12365600)
really?
did you not read the first post or even the OP's second post in this thread? It's not just about whether MN or the UK is a better place to live. If they'd stayed, for example, I wonder what kind of bill they would have had with a difficult birth? FWIW. I'd vote for England over Minnesota. OP has only made one follow-up post, some time ago. We don't know: 1. If there is a history of problems in the marriage, or if issues only started once they settled into the UK;. 2. What their financial state is in the UK compared to what it would be in Minnesota; 3. If they have a well-developed plan for moving back to Minnesota. Etc etc etc. If the marriage had been clear sailing and the husband just hates the UK, than sure, move. Health expenses can certainly be managed with a well-thought-out plan and strategy, and being from the US the husband would konw that. On one hand - I do agree that moving to save a marriage is not a good idea. On the other hand - OP did nothing to indicate there were in fact underlying issues, and some posters (including yourself) may have jumped the gun in assuming that there are other issues and prematurely brought in talk of divorce, child abductions and so on. If the issue is just living in the UK I certainly don't think OP should risk the marriage over that. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Let me also add - if my wife came to me and said she was miserable and wanted to move back to Western Europe, I would push back a bit. If it persisted over, say, a year, thus proving the unhappiness was long-term - I would be open to it and if we could map out a plan for it, I would do it. We have a very stable marriage (nothing to indicate that OP is different) and viewing a move back to Western Europe as a precursor to divorce or child abduction would not even remotely enter my mind, and I would see it as paranoia.
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Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by carcajou
(Post 12365608)
Not enough information to say.
OP has only made one follow-up post, some time ago. We don't know: 1. If there is a history of problems in the marriage, or if issues only started once they settled into the UK;. 2. What their financial state is in the UK compared to what it would be in Minnesota; 3. If they have a well-developed plan for moving back to Minnesota. Etc etc etc. If the marriage had been clear sailing and the husband just hates the UK, than sure, move. Health expenses can certainly be managed with a well-thought-out plan and strategy, and being from the US the husband would konw that. On one hand - I do agree that moving to save a marriage is not a good idea. On the other hand - OP did nothing to indicate there were in fact underlying issues, and some posters (including yourself) may have jumped the gun in assuming that there are other issues and prematurely brought in talk of divorce, child abductions and so on. If the issue is just living in the UK I certainly don't think OP should risk the marriage over that. I treat this story as a cautionary tale of moving back to be close to family. Being an hour from family can be just as isolating as being a flight away. |
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Originally Posted by petitefrancaise
(Post 12363799)
Jeepster....
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice. Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that. Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then? So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared. Don't know a the details in this case, so cant really judge. I have a friend US citizen married to a Brit and they have three children. He doesn't like living in UK at all, his wife unhappy when they were in US. He figures for hsi wife to be happy, and therefore the kids and himself happier, he just puts up with UK. Maybe I am old fashioned but just seems people should put the family as a whole first. One can be reasonably happy anywhere if your family is in doing well, maybe not perfect but well enough. |
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