Nutmegger

Perhaps you can tell us which part of the city your husband will be working in, then we can advise whether Westchester, CT, or NJ would be best to research, according to the area he would need to get to. For instance, if he was coming in to Grand Central Terminal for a midtown job, CT or Westchester would be good. But if he was going to be downtown, NJ might be preferable.

You might need to use the car to get to playgroups, library story time, etc., but all the other mums would be arriving by car! I don't think that walking around would gain you any more friends than driving places would.

moNYC

I believe it would be Grand Central. I found Zillow (website) very helpful and quite like the schools and houses in parts of Westchester. I guess I am coming to terms with the idea that we won't be in the city. I wasn't planning on working for sometime because of the kids but I do wonder if the burbs would work if we are both commuting...
The only American city I am more familiar with is DC as I had a job for many years with an office there and it is lovely walking around. I have a cousin though who lives just outside DC in a lovely house but the area pretty much is just a bunch of nice houses in the middle of nowhere... you can't even buy milk and bread without getting in the car and I guess that is what I would like to avoid. It would be nice to be part of a community with a few shops, even if it means I have to drive but it is still part of a town, village or city.
Thanks for all the suggestions!

Nutmegger

Then Westchester or CT does sound like your best bet, but I can certainly see how difficult it would be if you were both commuting. I would look at towns that are on the Metro North Harlem line for Westchester, and the New Haven line for CT. I guess I just find it the norm these days to get in the car for groceries, that the places I want to live are way outside the town centre! But towns do have the kind of "downtown" area that you want, with shops and services. Even though it is a 15 minute drive to the stores in town for me, once I get in the car there are a few shopping areas to choose from -- it's just that the residential and the commercial are prone to be separated, not that the commercial is non-existent.