Unkajed

Where do I start?. I was divorced from my 1st wife about 4 years ago
and I was awarded custody of my then 12-year-old son. As most people,
I played around on the net and met someone from a Central American
country and in the course of about 2 years we became closer and I
visited her and her family about 4 times. We decided to get married
and I did the K-1 visa bit for her and her children. Everything
seemed fine. She has 2 children from a previous marriage which did
not bother me the least in fact I thought "Hell the more the merrier".
We talked about her coming to America and re-establishing the
relationship with her children and it would be good to have someone
for me and my son as it would be for her to have someone for herself
and her children.

Well, last time I was in her country, we had a talk with her children
and her young son threw a fit when he learned we filling out the
paperwork for him and his sister to come to America. The boy ran to
his Grandmother and started yelling.."They are going to steal me from
you" WOW! I looked at my fiancée and said "What is wrong with him?…I
was under the assumption he wanted to go and have a family. {This is
the 1st Omen I should have taken seriously.) Her basic reply is that
her mother turned her children against her while she was working and
it will take some time for her to take control again. I then
replied…you know I will feel very very uncomfortable with you coming
to America and leave your children behind. I could not and will not
live in this kind of situation because I see major problems if this
occurs. It was worked out and agreed that she would come to America,
we would get married and she would wrestle her children from her
mother if that were what was needed. Her children had not been to
school in 2 years because the money was not available and well times
are harder in Central America than the United States. All I requested
was that she make sure everything was done in her country in order to
get her children out and also make sure you have left them enough
money to live on until we can get them to America. She agreed and
said this was not a problem and I believed it not to be a problem
because basically I had paid for the entire VISA, plane ticket,
physicals and such.

She comes to America and we married within 90 days of her arrival as
needed under the K-1 Visa. Then I found out she has not left any
money with her children or mother and I was slightly miffed and said,
you know you can not work in America until you get a work permit. She
knew this as we had already discussed all the main issues before she
came. {I think she left the money but her mother spent it but she
would never tell me.]

So like a night in shinning armor I paid full expenses for her family
in her country and told her that now she had to get a job but not for
the household but the airplane tickets and such for her children, and
I also reminded her of the deadline to bring the children to America,
or at least to get their Visa in order to have them. The clock was
running and I sent the money for the children's visa. Well needless
to say the Visas were not obtained and the time ran out for them to
get them under their mother's K-1 visa. Again the 2nd Omen. She was
really pissed at her mother and children and of course the VISA money
is gone and I was not too happy about the situation. Now the job she
took to purchase the plane tickets has turned into a job to send 100
percent of her money to her country for her mother and children and
has been like this for a year.

Now my son and I am in a situation I feel most uncomfortable with.
She has gone from the bright cheery person I know to someone who comes
home from work and retires to her room… We do not spend much quality
time together because she works a lot. Needless to say when we filled
income taxes, her salary was added to mine and unfortunately since her
children do not reside in Mexico or Canada they can not get ITN
numbers from the INS so at least we could have them for a deduction.
Higher taxes and guess who paid??

I take 10 extra hours a week to drive her back and forth to work and I
really do not have much time to begin with so I decided to try and get
her a driver's license. I worked on this 4 months, thought she drove
good enough to get her license and WHAM! FAILED the driving part of
the test. I said no problem, get the learners permit and at least we
can work on your driving skill. She did not want to accept the
learner's permit but I made her do it anyway!

This situation is really taking its toll on me and especially the time
I try to spend with my son. He is now 15 and she is extremely jealous
of him in her actions. Do not get me wrong…She does not treat him bad
but she makes her little comments and me being a middle aged guy, I
can read between the lines. Like the car races…I tried to get her to
go with me and my son…No…she didn't want to go…ok…We are going to the
grocery store tonight so if possible please have a list ready. Well
when it is time to go, my son said he would like to go so he can roam
Wal-Mart. No problem and then she tells me she doesn't feel well and
does not want to go…This is 30 seconds before we walk out the door…Oh
nice..

Then her mother is constantly calling her for money. I had a serious
talk with my wife and said..You have a big problem in your country and
you need to somehow fix or remedy the situation because your mother is
elderly and if she get's sick and have to go to the hospital who will
be with your children??? Guess what? Her mother had to go to the
emergency room of the hospital and no one was with her children for a
day.

I reminded her I loved her, am doing everything I possibly can but
some things I can not do and you have to step up to the plate and take
care of this problem. I explained I can never be secure knowing that
one day she will probably be called back to her country to take care
of her children and they can not come here because they have no VISA!!

Her brothers and sister left her mother and all her mother has is my
wife's children and wow does she ever use them to get my wife to pay
through the nose.

I also explained this is not the situation I seen us in and I am not
happy with it nor can I grow accustomed of being happy with it.

I do believe I made a serious mistake marrying this girl. There are
problems I can do nothing about but I feel like I am being a little
used and I am not happy. She refuses to make any effort to try and
remedy the situtation. She even mentioned about trying to bring her
mother here and I told her under no certain terms that I would not
allow it since her mother has children in her country but refuse to
take care of her..DO NOT BRING THIS PROBLEM TO MY HOUSE!!!
I know this upsets her but after a year of this I am tired and wish to
have some type of normal life where I do not at least feel guilty for
wanting to be a good father and see some type of normal life. I
married her becasue I wanted a best friend and lover and now I have
neither and it is becasue of me. I just do not feel to romantic. I
have let her know that this is not the situation I wanted to be in and
I also know this is not what she expected either but it has happened…
Now I am thinking about divorcing her or at least sending her back to
her country and buying an apartment in her country for her to live in.
{They are cheap} Has anyone had this problem on this board and if so
what was your solution. I AM PULLING WHAT IS LEFT OF MY HAIR OUT!

Now that things have occurred as they have, I feel very leery doing
anymore INS work for visas for her children, her or anything..I see a
big storm cloud brewing on the horizon. My 1st marriage made me very
untrusting and suspicious and now I am starting to feel this way
again. I HAVE AND AM TRYING SUPERHARD BITING MY TONGUE THE ENTIRE
TIME!

I want her to be with her children…I believe this is a parents first
priority. I wanted as she did for our families to combine but they
never will... I told her this but now as it stands they are stuck or
should I say we are stuck in this situtation and it is causing me to
feel much resentment.

Any thought of this would be appreciated.

Rete

No sure what you are asking for in the way of suggestions. It is your marriage and you and she will have to decide is it a marriage you want to continue, a marriage you want to work to make better, or if you think the marriage is worth saving. Only you know how you feel. Do you think she scammed you for a green card or used you as a financial cushion to better the lives of her children and mother? These are questions I can't and wouldn't not attempt to answer for you.

In all my years reading immigration forums, the one thing that I see over and over again for so many migrants to this country, be they legal or illegal, if they have left family behind in the "old" country they will also be sending funds home to improve the remaining family members lot in life in their home country.

On the immigration front, you and she are going to have to decide if your marriage is worth saving and if you want to try to save it. No one here can tell you what to do.

Good luck in making the choices that will bring happiness to all your lives.

Rete

Ranjini

Many economically depressed classes from certain countries believe that money grows on trees in the US. Such people have strong family ties, and many people on this forum will tell you that sending money home and eventually bringing over their entire family are their only priorities. Your explanations are logical. But I don't think you are ever going to make her understand your viewpoint. I don't know what one can do in such a situation. Maybe some forumer who has been in a similar situation could suggest something

Duckie

any thought? i think you could make a script out of it and let it turn into a real shocking drama.

the way you describe it it leaves no doubt that you love her. but i understand that you are not willing to pull up with the poop and bad luck that happened to you.

if i were you i might consider giving her a ultimatum: if she is not willing (does not look like it) to talk about a solution that is satisfactory to both of you (and this includes especially you) you can still bust her at the removing of conditions. bcis will understand, as she kind of lied at marriage about her real intentions. the only thing that could happen to you besides a broken heart is to support her while she is in the states still. and you said you would even look for an appartment for her back home.

but then, dont take the answer too serious, as i dont know the whole story of it - you know it, you have to decide.

Steve2003

I am very confused as to shis. I think this is an issue that is more in need of family or couple counseling. You should go see a marriage counselor. The answer is not involving the INS or anyone else. In my opinion the only reason I am even involved with the INS is that my fiance is not from america, but outside that fact the rest should be just the same as if you married a USC. I am disturbed when people marry people from another country and treat the relatrionship differently than any normal situation. I dunno, this just seems odd. You need to focus on your communication and relationship with her. That is were you need to start. You need to make it clear this is ruinig you marriage and that you could divorce. Oh yeah, and she probably does not have to go home (over seas). All I know is you need to maybe talk to a marriage counselor. Let you anxiety out in front of her in a controlled environment. Something has to give. If you two loved each other than you should be able to get backj on track. Due to something over time, you two forgot what your relationship was about... either that, or this is occuring because of some false pretenses you established the relationship on. I dunno. I am really confused about this post. sorry :-\

Ranjini

This is very true. The problems remain the same. There are men and women, even Americans, who marry and use their spouses as "financial cushions" in different contexts. We are so used to looking at everything from the immigration point of view on this forum and thinking in terms of immigrants and green card scams, the human aspect escapes us. I do see where you are coming from and do understand your confusion. Your post was kind of an eye-opener for me....

kjdrga

I would suggest seeking help. It also sounds as if she is probably depressed and being away from her family and children that is understandable. But by seeing a mediator, counselor, therapist it will he you understand her feelings and her understand yours. After you've heard each other then perhaps you can make a decision as to whether the marriage will work in the future.

just a suggestion...

Christa

You've done the first step in recognizing and "verbalizing" the problem. The
second step would be to become very clear about what kind of relationship
you want with her, and then tell her that. Ask her what she wants from you,
too, as retiring to her room is escaping you and your son. Maybe she would
like to go back home and hasn't had a chance to tell you yet.
By the way, biting the tongue is never a good idea in a relationship. The
resentments just keep building up.


"unkajed" wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > Where do I start?. I was divorced from my 1st wife about 4 years ago
    > and I was awarded custody of my then 12-year-old son. As most people,
    > I played around on the net and met someone from a Central American
    > country and in the course of about 2 years we became closer and I
    > visited her and her family about 4 times. We decided to get married
    > and I did the K-1 visa bit for her and her children. Everything
    > seemed fine. She has 2 children from a previous marriage which did
    > not bother me the least in fact I thought "Hell the more the merrier".
    > We talked about her coming to America and re-establishing the
    > relationship with her children and it would be good to have someone
    > for me and my son as it would be for her to have someone for herself
    > and her children.
    > Well, last time I was in her country, we had a talk with her children
    > and her young son threw a fit when he learned we filling out the
    > paperwork for him and his sister to come to America. The boy ran to
    > his Grandmother and started yelling.."They are going to steal me from
    > you" WOW! I looked at my fiancée and said "What is wrong with him?.I
    > was under the assumption he wanted to go and have a family. {This is
    > the 1st Omen I should have taken seriously.) Her basic reply is that
    > her mother turned her children against her while she was working and
    > it will take some time for her to take control again. I then
    > replied.you know I will feel very very uncomfortable with you coming
    > to America and leave your children behind. I could not and will not
    > live in this kind of situation because I see major problems if this
    > occurs. It was worked out and agreed that she would come to America,
    > we would get married and she would wrestle her children from her
    > mother if that were what was needed. Her children had not been to
    > school in 2 years because the money was not available and well times
    > are harder in Central America than the United States. All I requested
    > was that she make sure everything was done in her country in order to
    > get her children out and also make sure you have left them enough
    > money to live on until we can get them to America. She agreed and
    > said this was not a problem and I believed it not to be a problem
    > because basically I had paid for the entire VISA, plane ticket,
    > physicals and such.
    > She comes to America and we married within 90 days of her arrival as
    > needed under the K-1 Visa. Then I found out she has not left any
    > money with her children or mother and I was slightly miffed and said,
    > you know you can not work in America until you get a work permit. She
    > knew this as we had already discussed all the main issues before she
    > came. {I think she left the money but her mother spent it but she
    > would never tell me.]
    > So like a night in shinning armor I paid full expenses for her family
    > in her country and told her that now she had to get a job but not for
    > the household but the airplane tickets and such for her children, and
    > I also reminded her of the deadline to bring the children to America,
    > or at least to get their Visa in order to have them. The clock was
    > running and I sent the money for the children's visa. Well needless
    > to say the Visas were not obtained and the time ran out for them to
    > get them under their mother's K-1 visa. Again the 2nd Omen. She was
    > really pissed at her mother and children and of course the VISA money
    > is gone and I was not too happy about the situation. Now the job she
    > took to purchase the plane tickets has turned into a job to send 100
    > percent of her money to her country for her mother and children and
    > has been like this for a year.
    > Now my son and I am in a situation I feel most uncomfortable with.
    > She has gone from the bright cheery person I know to someone who comes
    > home from work and retires to her room. We do not spend much quality
    > time together because she works a lot. Needless to say when we filled
    > income taxes, her salary was added to mine and unfortunately since her
    > children do not reside in Mexico or Canada they can not get ITN
    > numbers from the INS so at least we could have them for a deduction.
    > Higher taxes and guess who paid??
    > I take 10 extra hours a week to drive her back and forth to work and I
    > really do not have much time to begin with so I decided to try and get
    > her a driver's license. I worked on this 4 months, thought she drove
    > good enough to get her license and WHAM! FAILED the driving part of
    > the test. I said no problem, get the learners permit and at least we
    > can work on your driving skill. She did not want to accept the
    > learner's permit but I made her do it anyway!
    > This situation is really taking its toll on me and especially the time
    > I try to spend with my son. He is now 15 and she is extremely jealous
    > of him in her actions. Do not get me wrong.She does not treat him bad
    > but she makes her little comments and me being a middle aged guy, I
    > can read between the lines. Like the car races.I tried to get her to
    > go with me and my son.No.she didn't want to go.ok.We are going to the
    > grocery store tonight so if possible please have a list ready. Well
    > when it is time to go, my son said he would like to go so he can roam
    > Wal-Mart. No problem and then she tells me she doesn't feel well and
    > does not want to go.This is 30 seconds before we walk out the door.Oh
    > nice..
    > Then her mother is constantly calling her for money. I had a serious
    > talk with my wife and said..You have a big problem in your country and
    > you need to somehow fix or remedy the situation because your mother is
    > elderly and if she get's sick and have to go to the hospital who will
    > be with your children??? Guess what? Her mother had to go to the
    > emergency room of the hospital and no one was with her children for a
    > day.
    > I reminded her I loved her, am doing everything I possibly can but
    > some things I can not do and you have to step up to the plate and take
    > care of this problem. I explained I can never be secure knowing that
    > one day she will probably be called back to her country to take care
    > of her children and they can not come here because they have no VISA!!
    > Her brothers and sister left her mother and all her mother has is my
    > wife's children and wow does she ever use them to get my wife to pay
    > through the nose.
    > I also explained this is not the situation I seen us in and I am not
    > happy with it nor can I grow accustomed of being happy with it.
    > I do believe I made a serious mistake marrying this girl. There are
    > problems I can do nothing about but I feel like I am being a little
    > used and I am not happy. She refuses to make any effort to try and
    > remedy the situtation. She even mentioned about trying to bring her
    > mother here and I told her under no certain terms that I would not
    > allow it since her mother has children in her country but refuse to
    > take care of her..DO NOT BRING THIS PROBLEM TO MY HOUSE!!!
    > I know this upsets her but after a year of this I am tired and wish to
    > have some type of normal life where I do not at least feel guilty for
    > wanting to be a good father and see some type of normal life. I
    > married her becasue I wanted a best friend and lover and now I have
    > neither and it is becasue of me. I just do not feel to romantic. I
    > have let her know that this is not the situation I wanted to be in and
    > I also know this is not what she expected either but it has happened.
    > Now I am thinking about divorcing her or at least sending her back to
    > her country and buying an apartment in her country for her to live in.
    > {They are cheap} Has anyone had this problem on this board and if so
    > what was your solution. I AM PULLING WHAT IS LEFT OF MY HAIR OUT!
    > Now that things have occurred as they have, I feel very leery doing
    > anymore INS work for visas for her children, her or anything..I see a
    > big storm cloud brewing on the horizon. My 1st marriage made me very
    > untrusting and suspicious and now I am starting to feel this way
    > again. I HAVE AND AM TRYING SUPERHARD BITING MY TONGUE THE ENTIRE
    > TIME!
    > I want her to be with her children.I believe this is a parents first
    > priority. I wanted as she did for our families to combine but they
    > never will... I told her this but now as it stands they are stuck or
    > should I say we are stuck in this situtation and it is causing me to
    > feel much resentment.
    > Any thought of this would be appreciated.