The attitude off the immigrant his family
Jul 29th 2002, 8:20 am
#1
Guest
Posts: n/a
The attitude off the immigrant his family
I have married a Cuban and I do not know if many people recognise this. I am getting
sick off the attitude of her family towards her. Like she has to solve all their
problems and even worse, like she 'living in a rich country' would never have any
problems, like never feel unhappy. And the family 'living in a poor country' would
always be not to blamed for the basket things they do because they are poor. This
while the poor kid has enough trouble addapting here, and is in no need off getting
all the mud over her from Cuba everytime she calls. Frankly I hate her family for
this....What should I do with those idiots...
sick off the attitude of her family towards her. Like she has to solve all their
problems and even worse, like she 'living in a rich country' would never have any
problems, like never feel unhappy. And the family 'living in a poor country' would
always be not to blamed for the basket things they do because they are poor. This
while the poor kid has enough trouble addapting here, and is in no need off getting
all the mud over her from Cuba everytime she calls. Frankly I hate her family for
this....What should I do with those idiots...
Jul 29th 2002, 9:20 am
#2
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Marc1917" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> I have married a Cuban and I do not know if many people recognise this. I
am
> getting sick off the attitude of her family towards her. Like she has to solve all
> their problems and even worse, like she 'living in a rich
country'
> would never have any problems, like never feel unhappy. And the family 'living in a
> poor country' would always be not to blamed for the basket things they do because
> they are poor. This while the poor kid has enough trouble addapting here, and is in
> no need off getting all the mud over her from Cuba everytime she calls. Frankly I
> hate her family for this....What should I do with those idiots...
Accept it or break contact. I know from experience that you cannot change a culture
the way you want it to be nor can you change people the way you want them to be.
Cuban culture is very different from the American one....
You will have to find a way to deal with it, or break the contact with the family.
Quite frankly, dealing with it is the better solution.... an inter-cultural
relationship takes a lot more compromising then a same-culture relationship.
Maarten
news:[email protected]...
> I have married a Cuban and I do not know if many people recognise this. I
am
> getting sick off the attitude of her family towards her. Like she has to solve all
> their problems and even worse, like she 'living in a rich
country'
> would never have any problems, like never feel unhappy. And the family 'living in a
> poor country' would always be not to blamed for the basket things they do because
> they are poor. This while the poor kid has enough trouble addapting here, and is in
> no need off getting all the mud over her from Cuba everytime she calls. Frankly I
> hate her family for this....What should I do with those idiots...
Accept it or break contact. I know from experience that you cannot change a culture
the way you want it to be nor can you change people the way you want them to be.
Cuban culture is very different from the American one....
You will have to find a way to deal with it, or break the contact with the family.
Quite frankly, dealing with it is the better solution.... an inter-cultural
relationship takes a lot more compromising then a same-culture relationship.
Maarten
Jul 29th 2002, 6:20 pm
#3
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com>
> Accept it or break contact.
Then I will break contact.
> Cuban culture is very different from the American one....
(or European)
No, Maarten this is another thing, we are not even considered to be human beeings, we
have money hence we have no trouble therefor no feelings, and no-one should be
bothered by our problems. I hardly call that a difference in culture, I call that
anti-social behaviour!
> You will have to find a way to deal with it, or break the contact with the family.
Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not living to be a
slave off Cuba.
Marc1917
> Accept it or break contact.
Then I will break contact.
> Cuban culture is very different from the American one....
(or European)
No, Maarten this is another thing, we are not even considered to be human beeings, we
have money hence we have no trouble therefor no feelings, and no-one should be
bothered by our problems. I hardly call that a difference in culture, I call that
anti-social behaviour!
> You will have to find a way to deal with it, or break the contact with the family.
Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not living to be a
slave off Cuba.
Marc1917
Jul 29th 2002, 9:20 pm
#4
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
> > You will have to find a way to deal with it, or break the contact
with the
> > family.
>
> Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not
living to
> be a slave off Cuba.
If you really love your wife, why would you consider a divorce. I think Maarten meant
cutting off contact with the family, not your wife. I would try to talk to them
frequently and casually mention the problems she faces here in various situations. Of
course, no sense in mentioning issues which they consider as a luxury anyway. But if
that does not work, it would make sense to talk to your wife into cutting down the
contact with relatives, just live here in happiness with you. She needs to decide
which part of her life is more important to her, her past or her future. If either of
them works, there is no sense in devastating your life (and hers) with a divorce. If
she has placed her trust in you, it is not morally right to betray her because you
cannot stand her family.
Just my 2 cents,
- Rex
with the
> > family.
>
> Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not
living to
> be a slave off Cuba.
If you really love your wife, why would you consider a divorce. I think Maarten meant
cutting off contact with the family, not your wife. I would try to talk to them
frequently and casually mention the problems she faces here in various situations. Of
course, no sense in mentioning issues which they consider as a luxury anyway. But if
that does not work, it would make sense to talk to your wife into cutting down the
contact with relatives, just live here in happiness with you. She needs to decide
which part of her life is more important to her, her past or her future. If either of
them works, there is no sense in devastating your life (and hers) with a divorce. If
she has placed her trust in you, it is not morally right to betray her because you
cannot stand her family.
Just my 2 cents,
- Rex
Jul 30th 2002, 5:20 am
#5
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
> No, Maarten this is another thing, we are not even considered to be human beeings,
> we have money hence we have no trouble therefor no feelings, and no-one should be
> bothered by our problems. I hardly call that a difference in culture, I call that
> anti-social behaviour!
If it is not a cultural problem, the solution is clear. Cut of contact with the
family in Cuba and live a happy life together.
> Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not living to be a
> slave off Cuba.
I meant cutting off contact with the Cuban family.... not with your wife.
Either way. There are choices to be made.
Maarten
> we have money hence we have no trouble therefor no feelings, and no-one should be
> bothered by our problems. I hardly call that a difference in culture, I call that
> anti-social behaviour!
If it is not a cultural problem, the solution is clear. Cut of contact with the
family in Cuba and live a happy life together.
> Yes and this means divorce, sorry I do not accept this. I am not living to be a
> slave off Cuba.
I meant cutting off contact with the Cuban family.... not with your wife.
Either way. There are choices to be made.
Maarten
Jul 30th 2002, 6:20 am
#6
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Rex Lustrous" <[email protected]> schreef
> If you really love your wife, why would you consider a divorce. I think Maarten
> meant cutting off contact with the family, not your wife.
Rex thanx, but if I do know one thing about Cuban culture is that no matter what, you
always support your family, even if they are criminal idiots. BTW I do not think they
are representative for all Cubans, just before you call me a racist.
> If you really love your wife, why would you consider a divorce. I think Maarten
> meant cutting off contact with the family, not your wife.
Rex thanx, but if I do know one thing about Cuban culture is that no matter what, you
always support your family, even if they are criminal idiots. BTW I do not think they
are representative for all Cubans, just before you call me a racist.
Jul 30th 2002, 7:20 am
#7
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com>
> If it is not a cultural problem, the solution is clear. Cut of contact
with
> the family in Cuba and live a happy life together.
It is clearly not, god forbid if all Cubans would behave like this... I do sometimes
get sick off non Cuban people excusing them like it would be a cultural problem
though. It is not.
> I meant cutting off contact with the Cuban family.... not with your wife.
Maarten, then you do not know Cuban culture, see my reply to Rex. Cubans will almost
always stay supporting their family no matter what...
> If it is not a cultural problem, the solution is clear. Cut of contact
with
> the family in Cuba and live a happy life together.
It is clearly not, god forbid if all Cubans would behave like this... I do sometimes
get sick off non Cuban people excusing them like it would be a cultural problem
though. It is not.
> I meant cutting off contact with the Cuban family.... not with your wife.
Maarten, then you do not know Cuban culture, see my reply to Rex. Cubans will almost
always stay supporting their family no matter what...
Jul 30th 2002, 8:20 am
#8
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
> Maarten, then you do not know Cuban culture, see my reply to Rex. Cubans will
> almost always stay supporting their family no matter what...
I do not know Cuban culture.
It looks to me your choices are fairly limited. Keep wife and keep family. Drop wife
and the family is gone too.... If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground
solution. Its all about compromises in a marriage
Maarten
> almost always stay supporting their family no matter what...
I do not know Cuban culture.
It looks to me your choices are fairly limited. Keep wife and keep family. Drop wife
and the family is gone too.... If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground
solution. Its all about compromises in a marriage
Maarten
Jul 30th 2002, 3:20 pm
#9
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
Rex Lustrous wrote:
> I kinda agree that it happens in the "current" culture of many underdeveloped
> countries,
You couldn't tell it better ! I remember somebody else complaining of the same thing
with his Filipines wife's family and have a friend suffering the same fate with a
Vietnamese wife..
> I kinda agree that it happens in the "current" culture of many underdeveloped
> countries,
You couldn't tell it better ! I remember somebody else complaining of the same thing
with his Filipines wife's family and have a friend suffering the same fate with a
Vietnamese wife..
Jul 30th 2002, 4:20 pm
#10
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
Rex Lustrous wrote:
> I kinda agree that it happens in the "current" culture of many underdeveloped
> countries,
You couldn't tell it better ! I remember somebody else complaining of the same thing
with his Filipines wife's family and have a friend
> I kinda agree that it happens in the "current" culture of many underdeveloped
> countries,
You couldn't tell it better ! I remember somebody else complaining of the same thing
with his Filipines wife's family and have a friend
Jul 30th 2002, 6:20 pm
#11
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
Hi, Marc,
I am not sure if I can give you a more perspective view about the situation; In a
way, I see similar situation in my family - okay, none of my family is from Cuba, but
my parents were born in China, they moved to Taiwan after WWII, if you know the
difference between China and Taiwan (one communist country, and one is not.) I was
born in Taiwan.
Anyway, between late 40's till probably early 80's, there was vitually no
communication between the two places, people in Taiwan were not allowed to visit
their families in China. When the "rules" relaxed a little in early 80's, my father
went back to China to visit his remaining relative (not really close relative, but
close enough.) I can probably understand your feeling about your Cuban relatives, and
I would agree with you probably not everyone in Cuba behaves the same way as your
"in-law" relatives. However, it is a totally different mind-set between the two
cultures (Cuban vs. American, China vs. Taiwan)
You didn't mention what your wife feel about the situation. I can say that at the
beginning, my father probably felt "guilty" about his relatives "over there," that he
would do whatever they wanted, but to a point, I think my father got fed up with some
of the requests coming from them, believe it, it is not just him, it was probably a
general sense in his generations who sitll has relatives in China. They always asked
for something, anything, because they think us in Taiwan has the responsibility to
"give", no matter what our financial situation is.
Of course, this was 20 years ago, and China is much different now (although I haven't
been visiting there, I can speak much.) But I do remember my father's struggling...
"Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com> wrote in message
news:<[email protected] hlink.net>...
> > Maarten, then you do not know Cuban culture, see my reply to Rex. Cubans will
> > almost always stay supporting their family no matter what...
>
> I do not know Cuban culture.
>
> It looks to me your choices are fairly limited. Keep wife and keep family. Drop
> wife and the family is gone too.... If love is strong enough you can make a middle
> ground solution. Its all about compromises in a marriage
>
> Maarten
I am not sure if I can give you a more perspective view about the situation; In a
way, I see similar situation in my family - okay, none of my family is from Cuba, but
my parents were born in China, they moved to Taiwan after WWII, if you know the
difference between China and Taiwan (one communist country, and one is not.) I was
born in Taiwan.
Anyway, between late 40's till probably early 80's, there was vitually no
communication between the two places, people in Taiwan were not allowed to visit
their families in China. When the "rules" relaxed a little in early 80's, my father
went back to China to visit his remaining relative (not really close relative, but
close enough.) I can probably understand your feeling about your Cuban relatives, and
I would agree with you probably not everyone in Cuba behaves the same way as your
"in-law" relatives. However, it is a totally different mind-set between the two
cultures (Cuban vs. American, China vs. Taiwan)
You didn't mention what your wife feel about the situation. I can say that at the
beginning, my father probably felt "guilty" about his relatives "over there," that he
would do whatever they wanted, but to a point, I think my father got fed up with some
of the requests coming from them, believe it, it is not just him, it was probably a
general sense in his generations who sitll has relatives in China. They always asked
for something, anything, because they think us in Taiwan has the responsibility to
"give", no matter what our financial situation is.
Of course, this was 20 years ago, and China is much different now (although I haven't
been visiting there, I can speak much.) But I do remember my father's struggling...
"Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com> wrote in message
news:<[email protected] hlink.net>...
> > Maarten, then you do not know Cuban culture, see my reply to Rex. Cubans will
> > almost always stay supporting their family no matter what...
>
> I do not know Cuban culture.
>
> It looks to me your choices are fairly limited. Keep wife and keep family. Drop
> wife and the family is gone too.... If love is strong enough you can make a middle
> ground solution. Its all about compromises in a marriage
>
> Maarten
Jul 31st 2002, 2:20 pm
#12
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Chorbalan" <[email protected]> wrote
> You couldn't tell it better !
Hi guys, thanks for all the supporting mail. I still can not see another solution
then end it, but atleast I know I am not the only one with this problem.
> You couldn't tell it better !
Hi guys, thanks for all the supporting mail. I still can not see another solution
then end it, but atleast I know I am not the only one with this problem.
Jul 31st 2002, 2:20 pm
#13
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com>
> If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground solution.
Yes a good suggestion in this was: send them a amount off money a month you know that
is a good salary in those countries. Then if they still complain you can tell them
that they get a salary monthly off a good employee extra a month. And if they then
still can keep budget, then it is their own fault.
Now that is money. The other thing is the emotional problems. The girl sometimes
panics if she hears these stories. Then later the story was 'heavily painted' a
little if you know what I mean. But she was worried about it for days, called for
hundreds off dollars to keep in touch, and could not set her mind to studying the
language herself, adapting herself to this society. She has strong emotional problems
anyway even apart from Cuba. And then comes this attitude: 'we have problems because
we are in Cuba, you live happy because you live there'. It makes me absolutely and
absolutely furious!
Marc1917
> If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground solution.
Yes a good suggestion in this was: send them a amount off money a month you know that
is a good salary in those countries. Then if they still complain you can tell them
that they get a salary monthly off a good employee extra a month. And if they then
still can keep budget, then it is their own fault.
Now that is money. The other thing is the emotional problems. The girl sometimes
panics if she hears these stories. Then later the story was 'heavily painted' a
little if you know what I mean. But she was worried about it for days, called for
hundreds off dollars to keep in touch, and could not set her mind to studying the
language herself, adapting herself to this society. She has strong emotional problems
anyway even apart from Cuba. And then comes this attitude: 'we have problems because
we are in Cuba, you live happy because you live there'. It makes me absolutely and
absolutely furious!
Marc1917
Aug 1st 2002, 10:20 pm
#14
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
Yes, as you said, money is the easy part, and that's exactly what my father and
many of his friends did - send them fixed amount of money each year around
Chinese New Year.
The emotional struggle is a totally different story as you probably know by now. But
this is not really something you can force her to change if she doesn't want to. She
is probably young, not really be able to see how sometimes the stories are "tainted".
Maybe what you can try to do is first making her to calm down. No one can think
straight when he/she is emotional.
Do you know sometimes the best way to persuade someone is to half agree with what
they say, but add in your own opinions to make them see what you mean? It works for
my husband... When you just totally discredit what they said (not that you are doing
this to your wife, I don't know about that,) it is hard for her to listen to what you
are trying to tell her. You may have to be a little more patient than you already
are. Listen to the whole "heavily painted" story first, and try to find the "holes"
in it, and make her see that, so that she would be less panic, or at least only panic
for 1 hour, half a day, 1 day, instead of a couple of days.
Then you will have to make her see that the only way she can help her relatives out
is she has to better in this "heaven" - meaning she has to learn the language, have a
good job... be really "better", (not being panic, not knowing what to do...)
Again, all these take time, not sure if you can find counselling for her, maybe
speaking her language...
"Marc1917" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
> "Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com>
>
> > If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground solution.
>
> Yes a good suggestion in this was: send them a amount off money a month you know
> that is a good salary in those countries. Then if they still complain you can tell
> them that they get a salary monthly off a good employee extra a month. And if they
> then still can keep budget, then it is their own fault.
>
> Now that is money. The other thing is the emotional problems. The girl sometimes
> panics if she hears these stories. Then later the story was 'heavily painted' a
> little if you know what I mean. But she was worried about it for days, called for
> hundreds off dollars to keep in touch, and could not set her mind to studying the
> language herself, adapting herself to this society. She has strong emotional
> problems anyway even apart from Cuba. And then comes this attitude: 'we have
> problems because we are in Cuba, you live happy because you live there'. It makes
> me absolutely and absolutely furious!
>
> Marc1917
many of his friends did - send them fixed amount of money each year around
Chinese New Year.
The emotional struggle is a totally different story as you probably know by now. But
this is not really something you can force her to change if she doesn't want to. She
is probably young, not really be able to see how sometimes the stories are "tainted".
Maybe what you can try to do is first making her to calm down. No one can think
straight when he/she is emotional.
Do you know sometimes the best way to persuade someone is to half agree with what
they say, but add in your own opinions to make them see what you mean? It works for
my husband... When you just totally discredit what they said (not that you are doing
this to your wife, I don't know about that,) it is hard for her to listen to what you
are trying to tell her. You may have to be a little more patient than you already
are. Listen to the whole "heavily painted" story first, and try to find the "holes"
in it, and make her see that, so that she would be less panic, or at least only panic
for 1 hour, half a day, 1 day, instead of a couple of days.
Then you will have to make her see that the only way she can help her relatives out
is she has to better in this "heaven" - meaning she has to learn the language, have a
good job... be really "better", (not being panic, not knowing what to do...)
Again, all these take time, not sure if you can find counselling for her, maybe
speaking her language...
"Marc1917" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
> "Maarten W.G. Andriessen" <@.dutchusa.com>
>
> > If love is strong enough you can make a middle ground solution.
>
> Yes a good suggestion in this was: send them a amount off money a month you know
> that is a good salary in those countries. Then if they still complain you can tell
> them that they get a salary monthly off a good employee extra a month. And if they
> then still can keep budget, then it is their own fault.
>
> Now that is money. The other thing is the emotional problems. The girl sometimes
> panics if she hears these stories. Then later the story was 'heavily painted' a
> little if you know what I mean. But she was worried about it for days, called for
> hundreds off dollars to keep in touch, and could not set her mind to studying the
> language herself, adapting herself to this society. She has strong emotional
> problems anyway even apart from Cuba. And then comes this attitude: 'we have
> problems because we are in Cuba, you live happy because you live there'. It makes
> me absolutely and absolutely furious!
>
> Marc1917
Aug 4th 2002, 9:20 pm
#15
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: The attitude off the immigrant his family
"Liwen Liang" <[email protected]> schreef in
> Again, all these take time, not sure if you can find counselling for her, maybe
> speaking her language...
Well spanish I speak very good, just I have problems understanding how emotional she
can get, this you do not see in our culture where problems are kept for oneselves to
not to let them multiphy. Furthermore she is young but so am I.
> Again, all these take time, not sure if you can find counselling for her, maybe
> speaking her language...
Well spanish I speak very good, just I have problems understanding how emotional she
can get, this you do not see in our culture where problems are kept for oneselves to
not to let them multiphy. Furthermore she is young but so am I.