karin_and_boys

about whether to stay or go. OH wants to return to the U.S (where we spent 5 years in suburbs of Chicago) and I want to stay here in UK. It's not perfect, I know, but somehow I feel 'safe' here. It's home, I don't get asked 'where are you from' because here I sound just like everyone else!

I know we have a great opportunity and job offer to go back, I know his career prospects will probably be better. But, I just cannot get comfortable with the thoughts of returning. Each time I think of Chicago it's winter and my car is skidding down the street like it often does. I cannot really remember the sunny days and the lovely barbeques we used to have.

OH will not go if I don't want to, nor will he sulk or bear a grudge. He is wonderful. BUT how can I not support him in this venture? He has never asked me for anything really, has always been laid back and easy going. I know he really wants to go back, he isn't enjoying his job here and never really assimilated back in the way myself and the boys did.

If we do go back, I will have to leave my elderly parents. My plan would be to come back each summer for a month with the kids, then myself for a week around thanksgiving. Not ideal of course but the best I can do. They cannot travel to us for health reasons.

We need to make our decision by tomorrow, or effectively the new job offer is gone. I know no-one here can make up my mind, but forgive me for posting once again. I find great solace in writing down how I feel and if I get a few replies and points of view all the better.

I know some might say 'whats her problem, a chance at a life in 2 countries and shes being a wuss' And I know thats true, but choice can be a bad thing too.

Has anyone ever had a really strong gut feeling that thery went against and it turned out OK anyway?

As you can see I am clutching at straws.

Thanks for 'listening'

Karin.

manamama

I think you should stay and stick around for your parents sake.

Jobs are just jobs - they pay the bills.

Tell hubby to pass over the job and try and get something else in the UK instead. I am sure it will all come together after a while longer and then all 6 of you will be happy...

Marmalade

That gut feeling thing - my honest answer is, whenever I have went against it, it has not turned out well. I need to take my own advice and go with my gut feeling in more things. Every time I haven't things are not what they should be. But, that is only my experience...

You have a lot to think about and decide. I think the advice above is very good. Let us know how it turns out

halferman

Being someone who is not entirely happy in my chosen country I will always advise you to stick with what you know and love.

If your husband is happy enough to live in the UK then stay, trust me when I say that nothing is worth the depression and torment that often comes to expats when not entirely happy with their new location.

For me I am half for Canada and half against it, if I could go back I definately would but to be honest it is now almost impossible to do so. If you did take the oppertunaty and got the depression and felt the pull home you will then be in another dillema, other expats have even split up over one wanting to stay and oen desperate to leave.

I can't make up your mind but I would definately think long and hard before making such a bold move and to make that decision in one day is too much to ask, even with previous experiance of living in Chicago.

lilybilly101

Karin, I feel for you....what a dilemma eh? I'll throw in my two penneth (for what it's worth). I weighed up our return with practical day to day living, long term prospects in work and of course the emotions of missing family and friends now and in the future. The result was to head back but hubby is so far supportive of this although things could change once we're back. Yikes....

How long would the return be for? Could you agree to five years and reassess it? Your hubby sounds fab so maybe that could work. It's tricky with the kids though I guess. Oh goodness.........we should never leave the villages we're dragged up in eh???!!!

Lots of luck.....toss a coin, see a tarot reader? xxx

Mummy in the foothills

It's a horrible dilemma. I came back to US for Dh and his dream job, but were were still young and so were my parents. Not sure I'd have done it if mine were older.
I made the best of it, added two more children to the family and now my Mom is getting old, both my father and step father passed in 2007. Ds#1 is moving to UK next week and Dh has realized it's inevitable we will move home. Ds#2 has said he's moving after high school too.
Dh no longer has the dream job (five years now) but is grateful he spent so many years racing about on boats that cost more than our house and he loved it all. Even though he never had a summer holiday in 20 years as that was the busy season, and only had winter time off all that time.
Only you can decide, I had my moments, thinking I should never have moved. But if I hadn't moved I'd never have my two other children I know it. I think you have to weight it all up for you and yours. Will he commit to a set number of years and move back if you decide you are not where you want to be. Will he first look for a better more fulfilling job in the UK?
Are you as a family willing to give up family time, US jobs don't give the generous vacation time the UK does Dh finally gets 15 paid days after 5 years where he is and that is generous, he'll get 20 days if he stays for 15 years, also the safety net is non existent.
For me I put aside enough money to move my family home with a few small boxes shipped, and have never touched it, that was my safety net.

bettyboo67

It's a really tough one and no-one on here would think you are a wuss knowing only too well how difficult it can be feeling torn between 2 countries and what a strain that can put on a marriage if you both want different things.
From what you've written my advise would be to stay where you are, 3 out of the 4 of you are settled and as other posters have said a job is just a job and I'm sure other opportunities will present themselves.
We're going through something similar but in Canada , at least we don't have to make our decision by tomorrow Good luck with whatever you decide.

ble

We are in the situation where we are a mixed marriage (nationally so to speak).
I moved to the UK, then some years later we all moved to NZ.
I want to go back to the UK as soon as possible (and this has been almost 4 years now). OH is happy in either so we will be back once the job situation improves in his field.

But speaking from personal experience, I wasn't sure about moving back to the country I was born in . I loved what we had and did in the UK. The emotional termoil (sp?) that has followed in the past few years while we sorted this through was really hard on us. We are through the worst, as we have finally come to an agreement and understanding. I think that OH is happy enough with it as well, as in the process of getting to this point, 4 years has past. There has been no rushing on our part

It is hard to be in a country that one person really doesn't want to be in. If he is happy in the UK, and you are really unsure then it is just a job at the end of a day.

- I like Mummys suggestion of an escape fund - I wish that we had done that with all my heart.
- I also (for me) worry that as my children get older the opportunity to move wll be less and less and if they settle down here, then I have to weigh up even more pluses and minus.

Tr1boy

This is ringing some bells. I have the added dimension of a nationally and culturally mixed marriage and my wife isn't from Oz or England.

We don't have the added hassle of kids but in some ways that's worse because we are free to move around (funds notwithstanding) so are never really 'forced' to be anywhere.

I don't think I'll ever truly settle anywhere, so for me it's all about whether Mrs T is happy now because I've somewhat given up on trying to work my own mind out.

karin_and_boys

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read each one carefully, and they all help, really they do. I cannot really talk about this anymore to my real life friends, as they are probably bored listening to me at this point but more importantly, they have never been in this 2 culture decision. So its really you guys who can empathise and really offer good advice.

After agonising over this, we have come to a sort of decision. What we all (kids included) really want to do is to go back to the US for just a few years. My sons both want to go to college in UK. Now problems there with the UNI fees as a returning expat. In fact they may end up going to my old college (Trinity College. Dublin) where the fees for something like science as a returned expat would be almost 40K euro. So we need to think that through. Of course there is every chance the kids will change their minds and end up wanting to go to college in the US i8nstead when the time comes.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and give their point of view. I really appreciate it

Karin.

luvwelly

Couldn't agree more - anyway it's 3 onto 1 - your OH is the one who hasn't settled (yet).

Oops too late.

charleygirl

Karin sorry but I am too late you have made up your mind but from someone who came here not really wanting to for a better job with 3 young children and has regreted it every day...........I have done the skidding down the road never got used to the weather, the very cold frigid winters and the hot humid summers.
My answer would been dont do it.
But now you have made a choice may I suggest you leave before your children are 3 years away from college.