Wolfy

Unusual request I know, but I have 3 step kids 25,26,27 all left home and leading own lives.

They rarely speak to each other and only one stays in touch with their mother... My wife wants a freezer for Christmas so I thought this would be a great group gift from all 3 and the grand kids $180 to split between them I thought would be doable now I sent out a message via facebook to all 3 of them stating that she would love this gift and coming from them and the grand kids would be excellent, I even offered to help them with the first $80-$100 so even less to split between the three of them.....

One of them replied saying, they are not used to doing group gifting and they had something in mind, another replies they thought it would be great and they will chip in $60 and the one that remains in touch with their mother has never replied or hinted that they will go in on the gift.... I ordered it anyway $200 and am more than disappointed with all but one yet they will be here over the Christmas period, expect to be waited on hand and foot by their mother expect food and lodging, blah blah......

My quandary is do I tell the one that offered to chip in, others didn't and I will just put it from the grand kids?...Do I say its just from from me?.... Her kids are her life, I know this we have had words in the past about how they visit and treat my home like a doss house and come unexpected when I work all hours and hardly see the woman I love....

Never having kids myself I have had to put up with a lot from them, done a lot for them and get little in return from them.......

Advice please!!!!

Macca67

Unfortunately Wolfy, kids on the whole tend to be a disappointment. In your shoes I'd go for the quiet life and keep things on the QT. Nothing to be gained by shattering the missus' illusions and blood being thicker than water, somehow all of this will be your fault and you'll get it in the neck at the end.

Personally, I would count my blessings that your good lady is content with a freezer in her Christmas stocking and isn't one of these fancy types hankering after perfume, jewelry and other useless trinkets that'll cos you an arm and a leg. You've got a keeper there, mate. Don't go blowing it with daft ideas about telling her the truth about her ungrateful sprogs as no good will come of it.

Speedwell

Why not just say that you and the one kid did the freezer between you? Don't make disappointed noises about the others. Focus on the positive. I think in her place I'd rather think "How lovely of hubby and sprog" than "how nasty of those ungrateful wretches".

Wolfy

I had thought of that too Speedwell, but it occurred to me that the one who has the other grand kid will be put out by this fact as she has the biological grandchild, yet she has not been in touch to say yes or no in chipping in and I would be the bad guy for not putting all of their names on it! or get the question of why? Therefore putting me in the position in telling her the truth about her kids.

My options as I see it with outcomes:

1. Put everyone's names on it, take no money will make the kids more complacent and expect me to do it every year and for her birthday, which I will not do again for them as I tried!

2. Put the names of those who chip in and get ill feeling from those that didn't, but its their own fault, they logged onto Facebook and saw the message and I know this because they have posted since on their pages! Maybe wifey will see the other two for who they really are....

3. Just put it from the Grand kids and take no money off anyone....Outcome, wifey will think her kids chipped in, unless they decide to tell her the truth!

4. I just put my name on it, but one who wanted to chip in may feel left out and rightly so as they offered......

I maybe reading too much into it and as I said we have had words about her kids having no consideration for our home or me when I am home, they just take over the place and mess it up...... I was talked into spending $2000 on a sectional couch with recliners which I love and had never had before and is my domain to relax when I get time to do so, but they come, fall asleep feet up, spill stuff, I know accidents happen.... And we have have discussed that if thats the case we dont deserve nice things or I at least refuse to buy them!


Such a Dilemma..... I think whatever I do there is going to be a kickback of some kind!

retzie

I would send one more message along the lines of:

"Freezer is on the way! <One who replied>, I'll have your name on the card - would you like the kids' as well? <One who hasn't replied>, if you're interested in chipping in, just let me know by Friday how much and which names you'd like on the card, otherwise, I'll assume you are doing your own thing. <One who is known to be doing their own thing>, no worries - I'm sure she'll appreciate whatever you get."

This post is informed by experience with flakey friends - I could not have any less of an idea about (step)-kids!!

Anian

The one thing you shouldn't do is put it from the kids who didn't contribute.

The thing that screws it up is that it's a bit late for the one who did offer to go and find another present. If they can't get anything else in time you should add their name and yours to the gift. I don't see why the others would be so annoyed, they turned down the offer, you didn't do it behind their back.

Weeze

I agree with this. Group gifts are always a bleeding nightmare.

cindyabs

I would NOT have gone ahead and bought it after pretty much getting a less than stellar response.

Wibblypig

I too agree with this I think it's sad when kids don't put the effort in for their parents. I think you are doing a great things despite the lack of response by your step kids. I am having my step-mother-in-law over for Christmas and I can't wait, I just wish she would stay with us, she is insisting on staying in a hotel

Bink

I'm another one that agrees with this. If you get no more responses, send it from you and the kid that did respond.

The others have no justification to feel put out and if they do, quite frankly they need to grow up, they're not teenagers anymore. You're not agravating the situation any here IMO and should feel no shame in putting the names down of those who contribute.

cindyabs

I don't agree, (not the bit about they shouldn't be affronted, I agree with that) BUT sadly it could well turn into a real donnybrook, depends on whether or not your wife gets pulled into it....... It ought not to get sticky (in a perfect world), but if the other kids have been twits, then it might. Your well meaning gesture could blow up in your face. Also, it isn't going to make your stock go up with the stepkids. You can't MAKE them or GUILT them into doing the right thing. Obviously there's a short circuit in their wiring on gratitude and at this late date in their lives, you can't instill it, NOR IS IT YOUR JOB TO!!!. Maybe it was because it was YOUR idea that they're resisting, who knows?

AmerLisa

Speaking as a wife who absolutely loves all of her kids (including the one that belongs to both my current husband and myself) just let it go! If she doesn't know her own children's shortcomings by now, you telling her will only create friction. I wouldn't even put a gift tag on it, just say here you go. The ones that weren't interested won't have to squirm and the one that did will be happy, I guess.

In the end, it's a life's lesson, isn't it? Next time don't try and round them up for a big present and just leave them to their own gift giving.

scrubbedexpat097

Just put a card on it saying it is from Santa and the Bad Elves....she will figure it out

Jerseygirl

The morale of this is...never buy your wife a birthday or Christmas gift that is useful...or something you plug in. Ask my husband...he knows.

Wolfy

Perhaps I am sensitive to my wives kids, she says if I have an issue with them, then we have an issue, perhaps we do, I work hard, get no time with her and when one kid shows up with husband and grandkid and I did not know they were coming and as it was the weekend of her chrsistmas party, the kid was expecting to go as well and asking my opinion of what to do I said no, its the only time we will get together this month as a couple! and after getting to the party not everyone shows up, wifey puts me on the spot in front of her boss asking if I would go get said kid who is 26 yrs old....what am I to say...NO? I hate being put on the spot!!!!

Perhaps, but I have given my all to her and I know she goes all out to get me gifts I would never be able to afford or even think of, but we do need a freezer....Just thought it wouldve been a great group gift and bring the kids together! Guess it serves me right in trying to prove I do not have an isue with the Kids

I wish the kids and their kids would stay in a hotel! If I am honest, they are spoiled, have no consideration for others and out for themselves! Bleedin spongers!!!! Sorry but they give me cause to have issues with them

Perhaps, then again all the better to show them up for who they really are, they took the side of their biological father who incidentally, yet here is someone that wants to reach out to them does not want to know but when money may be on the way to them...."oh yes he is a keeper", but in return when the show is on the other foot...I see them for who they really are....Blood is thicker than water, makes you blind also!

This maybe the answer....and refuse to say who its from, then again if the kids who refused try to claim it...I may blow up call em lairs and tell them what I think of them...hmmmm again dilemma!!!

I am beginning to thing of not buying anything ever again, it is abused, not appreciated by others, slobbed on yadda!


In all honesty I feel like dragging my wife back to England! Let the kids find their own airfare to visit which I know would never happen, but they would maybe appreciate what they have or had???? I have no one to get advice from personally or even speak to, everyone I know knows my wife and would report back, well I kind of do and know he would say..... Tough they dont like it then tough, dont let them in the house.....Which in itself is another problem if I refuse to have them over when I am off... I have worked a whole month without a day off, rarely see my wife unless I call into her work before I go to work and now we have the kids and their kids over for the holidays....every day I get off the kids are over, I feel its a conspiracy!!!

FOOTNOTE I know there are a few people here that are friends with me on Facebook, please do not repeat or offer advice on Facebook!



After seeing the posts here I may just do the following as 2 of them have replied privately:

Thank you to those of you who offered to chip in to your mothers gift, It was a a kind gesture of you and will not be forgotten, however I can not now accept as I have decided to buy it anyway and put from just the grand children and Grandpa or even Santa and the bad elves!

I would like to gather them all together and say to them as their mother is working Christmas day! " Gee thanks for the support, your mother would think you are the most wonderful kids in the world by getting her this freezer, by working together you have set aside your differences at a time of religious celebration and happiness and just pulled together and forget what issues you all have..."

But who am I kidding, I would be the bad guy no matter what.....and these kids call themselves good Christians???? Wow.. There is more to the story of the kids I have not let you in on and for the reason of diluting the results of the advice I seek....

Thank you to all who have responded , I guess I have some deciding to do!!