Whats the first sign that you have swine Flu....

You sweat like a Pig.....

mine is all blokes get swine flu! since Adam was a boy!

DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!

I am normally clever on the twisting the English lang, being dyslexic but that is truly funny, never done that one myself, are you dyslexic? or just good at word play? as I hope to be?

I have to admit it was a Private Eye cartoon about 30 years ago

It showed a May Day march with various Trade Union banners - "Workers of the World, Unite", political banners - "Socialists of the World, Unite", and then the Dyslexics banner in the middle of it all.

There was a lion, a bear and a pig in a bar debating who was the hardest.

The lion says: "All I have to do is roar and the whole jungle s*its itself!".

The bear replies: "All I have to do is growl and the whole forest s*its itself!".

The pig then says: "Well, all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world s*its itself!"

During the weekly church service, the Pastor asked if
anyone in the congregation would like to express praise and thanks for
prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband,
Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children
and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the
doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around
it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.>
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the
doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had
anything to say a man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is....
'sternum.....sternum!!!

Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England .."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a truck travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."

And another:

Virus warning!

If you receive an email marked "Nude Photos Of Sarah Palin," Do Not Open. It may contain a virus.

If you receive an email marked "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi,"Do Not Open. It may contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

When I was young, my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis, or a long memory.

I forget which one I chose now.

reminds me of the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat.....

Boom Boom

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Thismyasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

I called up the Govt Swine Flu hotline but just got crackling.

[sorry]

Just to keep the theme going....

DYSLEXICS RULE KO!!