Secondname52

Since most of us here are or will be married to a foreigner, I would like to pose a
question to those already living with their spouse who speaks a foreign language. My
husband and his mother are very close. They speak on the phone at least once per day
and he visits her daily, takes her places etc. Anyway, she's been here in the US for
18 years and her English sucks, but it's good enough that I've been able to
communicate with her on my own. However, when she calls at our home to leave a
message, she always addresses just my husband and goes on and on in their language.
Whenever they talk on the phone it is always in their language. I'm not saying I need
to know what they are talking about or what her messages are but I find it just plain
rude. When he hangs up the phone with her he says nothing. Usually when I am on the
phone with anyone, I'll say something when I hang up, like "oh...so and so said
hello", or "that was so and so just calling to "whatever". I wonder if I'm being
overly sensitive about this or are my husband and his mother being rude? I have to
add that whenever any of his other family members call her and have to leave a
message they say hello to both of us and leave their message in English, which I
really appreciate. Anyone else have this issue?

Mrtravel

1. Your husband's conversation to his mother is private and they should commincate in
whatever language they want. If there is something for him to tell you about the
conversation, he will do it.

2. If the family members are most comfortable with another language, then they should
leave the message in that language.

3. If this bothers you, learn the other language. FWIW, it bothers me.

minxyb

I have to agree with MrTravel, I would learn to speak or at least be able to understand his language. Maybe even ask him, So how is your mom doing? What's she up to? Maybe then he'll come up telling you some of what they talked about.

I feel you have to reaslise this is what he grew up speaking, and feels most comfortable, so what ever it takes for him to feel good here in this strange land so be it.

My husband is 12000 miles away from home, his family is in India, so when he talks to them he too speaks Hindi, not English, but I have grown use to it plus he normally gets off the phone and tells me right away what they were talking about, yes there is times he does not tell me all but hey that's okay because there is times he does not understand me when I'm talking to family, as he has said we speak so fast he can't keep up lol..

Give it some time, you will adjust.. and btw, I've looked into learnning to speak his language, he has even tried to teach me, it's not easy....

.

You don't mention how long you've been married, maybe one possibility is that his
mother is finding it difficult to let go and hard to accept that he has a wife now.
If that's the case I think you're being a little over-sensitive. Also maybe your
husband just doesn't think anything important was said, maybe he's just not
communicative that way. My USC husband sometimes behaves the same way that you
describe (doesn't say anything) when his sisters, father, friends etc call and they
are all speaking English as their first language! I am the non-USC and find it odd
but have learned not to worry.

I am English and have been married to my USC for almost 2 yrs, and we still
sometimes each think that the other is being rude, inattentive, comtemptuous,
bad-mannered etc when in fact what is happening (usually!) is down to
misinterpretation, differences of upbringing, culture & background, different
colloquial speech patterns, differences in emphasis, differences in phrasing,
you-name-it and we can misinterpret it!

Have you mentioned this to your husband? Maybe while he is on the phone to her
sometime you could ask him to 'say hello' from you to her, and see if that way she
learns to acknowledge you too. It may not happen immediately, but it might occur to
her over time that you consider it polite to say hello and so perhaps she should
respond likewise.

"Secondname52" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > Since most of us here are or will be married to a foreigner, I would like
to
    > pose a question to those already living with their spouse who speaks a
foreign
    > language. My husband and his mother are very close. They speak on the phone at
    > least once per day and he visits her daily, takes her places etc.
Anyway,
    > she's been here in the US for 18 years and her English sucks, but it's
good
    > enough that I've been able to communicate with her on my own. However, when she
    > calls at our home to leave a message, she always addresses just my husband and goes
    > on and on in their language. Whenever they talk on the phone it
is
    > always in their language. I'm not saying I need to know what they are
talking
    > about or what her messages are but I find it just plain rude. When he
hangs up
    > the phone with her he says nothing. Usually when I am on the phone with anyone,
    > I'll say something when I hang up, like "oh...so and so said
hello", or
    > "that was so and so just calling to "whatever". I wonder if I'm being
overly
    > sensitive about this or are my husband and his mother being rude? I have
to
    > add that whenever any of his other family members call her and have to
leave a
    > message they say hello to both of us and leave their message in English,
which
    > I really appreciate. Anyone else have this issue?

Secondname52

    >From: mrtravel [email protected]

    >
    >1. Your husband's conversation to his mother is private and they should commincate
    > in whatever language they want. If there is something for him to tell you about
    > the conversation, he will do it.

Well, I didn't say he shouldn't speak to her in their language.

    >2. If the family members are most comfortable with another language, then they
    > should leave the message in that language.

I said the other family members call here and make the effort to speak English and it
is not their first language. They acknowledge me as well. I think that shows
consideration.

    >3. If this bothers you, learn the other language.

Now, tell my why *I* should have to learn another language. They live here, where
they chose to be, in my country. If I moved to their country, I would expect to learn
their language and speak it among the family even if there were other English
speaking people there. I'm not asking that they not speak their language to each
other, but to me, it would be very considerate to understand that I don't speak or
understand their language and take that into account when they converse, especially
when I am in the presence of both of them. Makes my head spin.

Mrtravel

Secondname52 wrote:
    >
    > >From: mrtravel [email protected]
    >
    > >
    > >1. Your husband's conversation to his mother is private and they should commincate
    > > in whatever language they want. If there is something for him to tell you about
    > > the conversation, he will do it.
    >
    > Well, I didn't say he shouldn't speak to her in their language.

I agree. She should use the language she wished when talking to her son or leaving
a message.

    >
    > >2. If the family members are most comfortable with another language, then they
    > > should leave the message in that language.

His MOTHER is a family member. You indicated she doesn't speak English well, so why
would she want to record the language she doesn't speak well in.

    > I said the other family members call here and make the effort to speak English and
    > it is not their first language. They acknowledge me as well. I think that shows
    > consideration.

His mother is older and English is more difficult for her.

    >
    > >3. If this bothers you, learn the other language.
    >
    > Now, tell my why *I* should have to learn another language. They live here, where
    > they chose to be, in my country.
.. The language is part of his family and culture. If you don't understand this,
then I am not going to change your mind. Have you visited, or plan to visit his
home country?

FWIW, I don't find it rude for his mother to leave a message in the language she
speaks the best.

In the future, my wife wants her mother to live here. I don't know if this is what
her mother wants, and my wife says she hasn't asked. What I do know is that I will
NOT expect her to be able to converse with me in English very well.

By the way, the US has no official language.

Secondname52

    >From: "." [email protected] Date: 7/30/02 7:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time

    >You don't mention how long you've been married, maybe one possibility is that his
    >mother is finding it difficult to let go and hard to accept that he has a wife now.
    >If that's the case I think you're being a little over-sensitive. Also maybe your
    >husband just doesn't think anything important was said, maybe he's just not
    >communicative that way. My USC husband sometimes behaves the same way that you
    >describe (doesn't say anything) when his sisters, father, friends etc call and they
    >are all speaking English as their first language! I am the non-USC and find it odd
    >but have learned not to worry.
    >
    >I am English and have been married to my USC for almost 2 yrs, and we still
    >sometimes each think that the other is being rude, inattentive, comtemptuous,
    >bad-mannered etc when in fact what is happening (usually!) is down to
    >misinterpretation, differences of upbringing, culture & background, different
    >colloquial speech patterns, differences in emphasis, differences in phrasing,
    >you-name-it and we can misinterpret it!
    >
    >Have you mentioned this to your husband? Maybe while he is on the phone to her
    >sometime you could ask him to 'say hello' from you to her, and see if that way she
    >learns to acknowledge you too. It may not happen immediately, but it might occur to
    >her over time that you consider it polite to say hello and so perhaps she should
    >respond likewise.
    >
    >

Oh yes, I've mentioned this to him and he doesn't think there is anything wrong,
which is another problem in itself. I would think that if it bothers me he would be
concerned. His explanation is that she is more comfortable speaking her language
while on the other hand he says he wants to encourage her to read English, watch tv
in English, etc. I don't know...I just think it's rude. I don't want to hear their
conversations, but it would be nice to be acknowledged as if I exist when they speak
to each other.

marlena58

I remember when I first moved to the US,and whe did go to my
inlaws house,I have a son from my country who moved with
me to the US,he speaks Englich and German,with no problems,
It takes me a little bit longer.When he used to missbehave at the dinner table,I disiplined him in german out of reflex and it was
easier for me,did not wanted to be rude at all,but my inlaws did
tell my husband that there think I was being rude.
I don't believe your husband is trying to be rude,but I would
talk to him about it, and tell him how you feel.

From a foreigner

.

"Secondname52" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > >..
    > Oh yes, I've mentioned this to him and he doesn't think there is anything wrong,
    > which is another problem in itself. I would think that if it
bothers me
    > he would be concerned.

Unless he's a typical inconsiderate male (joke guys) .

    > His explanation is that she is more comfortable speaking her language while on the
    > other hand he says he wants to
encourage
    > her to read English, watch tv in English, etc. I don't know...I just think
it's
    > rude. I don't want to hear their conversations, but it would be nice to
be
    > acknowledged as if I exist when they speak to each other.

Ok, go to plan B. Find something that you could reasonably ask ('oh did she try that
recipe/watch that TV show she mentioned/whatever - just find something/anything') and
then, while he is on the phone to her, wave frantically at him and get him to ask her
and see if she replies to you via him. If he ignores you then yes, he is an
insensitive male, it is a hopeless case . If she doesn't reply, then maybe it is
rudeness. She ought to be concerned not to upset her son's wife for risk of upsetting
him. If this works then over time maybe they will both get the message. If not, maybe
learn some of her language and try that approach - while they are on the phone just
mention to your husband that you've a question for her and ask to speak to her - see
what happens. If you make efforts and still no response, try the same trick on him
(the possible problem being that a truly insensitive male wouldn't even notice you're
doing it).

Hector Rojas

2 things:

1. You're either jealous or suspicios about their speaking Spanish (did I get it
right?). Since you're either one or the other...it makes your head spin. I am sure
you have lenghty conversations in the phone with your friends or some relative BY
YOURSELF. So he can't understand or know, mainly because it's between you and the
other person on the phone. Nothing wrong with them speaking in their native
language. The language her mother is used to and feels comfortable speaking.

2. It's really bad when you ask "why should you learn another language?", talking
about being egotistic. You want to know why? Because he is new in this country,
because just like you want to speak english he wants to speak his native language
as well. Just like he as your husband will learn english, you as his wife should
learn or at least try to learn his language.

Hope you cool off a bit and realize that you're overeacting to this.

Hector

Dale Legan

It is rude of you to expect your mother in law to learn another language to speak
to her son.

"minxyb" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > I have to agree with MrTravel, I would learn to speak or at least be able to
    > understand his language. Maybe even ask him, So how is your mom doing? What's she
    > up to? Maybe then he'll come up telling you some of what they talked about.
    >
    > I feel you have to reaslise this is what he grew up speaking, and feels most
    > comfortable, so what ever it takes for him to feel good here in this strange land
    > so be it.
    >
    > My husband is 12000 miles away from home, his family is in India, so when he talks
    > to them he too speaks Hindi, not English, but I have grown use to it plus he
    > normally gets off the phone and tells me right away what they were talking about,
    > yes there is times he does not tell me all but hey that's okay because there is
    > times he does not understand me when I'm talking to family, as he has said we speak
    > so fast he can't keep up lol..
    >
    > Give it some time, you will adjust.. and btw, I've looked into learnning to speak
    > his language, he has even tried to teach me, it's not easy....
    >
    >
    >
    > --

Rete

Taking a slightly different approach to your concerns, I get the impression that by his speaking with his mother on a daily basis and in a language you do not speak you feel not only slighted but that the hierarchy of the household is perhaps him, his mother and then you. This can be upsetting for as a married couple one expects the other spouse to cleave to them and not their parent. By not telling what they spoke about (even a small tidbit to satisfy your curiosity) you perhaps think they are speaking about you and/or perhaps your marriage. This is all supposition on my part so discount and discard anything that you don't agree with.

Personally I can tell you that my daugther was married to a Russian who spoke with his mother daily. When they spoke they varied in language from English to Russian to English and she often felt that when they switched to Russian it because they were talking about her. Her husband and his mother lived in the US for nearly 20 years and at their wedding his side of the family all spoke Russian and it was difficult for the two families to converse for any length of time.

Perhaps it is time for you to sit down with your husband and honestly tell him what you are feeling. Remember that family togetherness varies from culture to culture and what you are seeing might be the norm for his culture and thus, alien to you and perhaps threatening.

Rete

Uli M

I'm sure the mother finds it difficult to communicate in English, but she's probably
not trying to be rude to you on purpose. Maybe you need to make the first move. Have
you tried calling her and talking to her? I would call her and chat, make friends, be
a daughter in law. Instead of being mad, offer an olive branch. "Hector Rojas"
<[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > 2 things:
    >
    > 1. You're either jealous or suspicios about their speaking Spanish (did I get it
    > right?). Since you're either one or the other...it makes your head spin. I am
    > sure you have lenghty conversations in the phone with your friends or some
    > relative BY YOURSELF. So he can't understand or know,
mainly
    > because it's between you and the other person on the phone. Nothing wrong with them
    > speaking in their native language. The language her mother is
used
    > to and feels comfortable speaking.
    >
    > 2. It's really bad when you ask "why should you learn another language?", talking
    > about being egotistic. You want to know why? Because he is new in this country,
    > because just like you want to speak english he wants to
speak
    > his native language as well. Just like he as your husband will learn english, you
    > as his wife should learn or at least try to learn his
language.
    >
    > Hope you cool off a bit and realize that you're overeacting to this.
    >
    > Hector

Greg

On Wed, 31 Jul 2002 01:51:31 GMT, "Dale Legan" <[email protected]> wrote:

    >It is rude of you to expect your mother in law to learn another language to speak
    >to her son.

I think it's rude for someone to go to another person's country and not to even try
to learn the language which is spoken by the majority of the population.

It seems that some foreigners always whine about learning English but, bless their
hypocritical little souls, they get upset at Americans who go to the foreigners'
country and don't try to speak the native language or abide by their customs, *they*
think the American is rude.

I'm married to a Hispanic woman. When her family and friends come over, or when we
have a party, they all used to speak Spanish in front of me and my friends and
family. That is until I told them to stop being rude and speak English.

If a person comes to the US, then learn English--whether there is an "official"
language or not--it *is* the language spoken by a couple hundred million people here.

Personally, I am multi-lingual so I all ready knew Spanish--but I'll be *damned* if
some foreigner tell me that *I* should learn another language because they can't
speak English. Tough shit, stay home and you can speak your own language to your
double-standard hearts content.

You can still speak your language to your family some and go by some of your
customs--just keep your damned attitude to yourself and don't go to someone else's
country and tell them what to do.

Mrtravel

Greg wrote:
    >
    > On Wed, 31 Jul 2002 01:51:31 GMT, "Dale Legan" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > >It is rude of you to expect your mother in law to learn another language to speak
    > >to her son.
    >
    > I think it's rude for someone to go to another person's country and not to even try
    > to learn the language which is spoken by the majority of the population.
    >

Her MIL had been in the US and knew spoke the language poorly. So, it isn't like she
didn't try to learn. However, the older you get, the harder it becomes.