Katadina

Hello, I am Katadina and I have so much to say and so many questions so please bare with me, for i do need your help.

First I am american, met my british hubby 20 yrs ago in CA while he was on holiday and in 31 hours we both fell hard. 3 months later we were married and to this day he is the light of my life. In the 20 years things have been very hard. 2 out of 3 of our children battled life threatening illness and the 3rd died. In 20 years i have had 33 surgeries and just 4 years ago at 36 yrs old battled severe breast cancer that left me permanently disfigured and without breasts, but alive. Through all this our love grew stronger. EVEN when he knew after cancer I would be less of the woman that he married. he told me he was more than than the man i married because of the weight he gained.

We battled the parental guilt on his side because the brash american took their son and it was horrific and painful and yes there were days when i wanted him to go back home JUST so i could feel less guilt for taking him away from his mother. BUT we both knew we had met our soul mates and NO ONE had the right to ruin what we have so we defended our marriage, he defended me and many years with no communication until my cancer made everyone see how short life really is and after alot of healing we are all there for eachother now.

Then 9 years ago we moved from CA to PA and MY mother started with the guilt, oh and she is good... 9 years later she is still a winner of the guilt race. BUT we moved to PA to give our kids a better life ton get away from crime and bad education and they got what we wanted for them. But we have no family here its just the 4 of us...

Here is where I need your advice. It was never my intention to keep him here for good, we had plans to move back to England but with me being so sick.. never happened.. I knew his love for his home, for his friends, for his family and he gave it all up for me. He made a life here, working his butt off, taking care of me and he is the best dad and husband i could have every asked for really he is..He gave up hope that we would EVER go back to live let alone visit. But i have known always that his heart isnt here.. its back home. he isnt happy, he has no friends he works too hard, he has no football, no life, he works too hard and we havent had a vacation in 20 years.

Then this summer i suprised him with a trip home. This man came alive again. His best mate planned a party at the pub and all the familys came and i saw the man i married again. Not the beaten down by life man but a happy calm, relaxed man. I could tell he was HOME again and i knew leaving was going to be hard.

But somthing happened to me on that trip as well and i never expected it. I fell in love with the country, the people, the life style. It felt like HOME to me as well and when we left i cried on the plane and have been sad since we got home. Somthing happened to me in England, i was accepted.. you see i am disfigured because of cancer and in America people stare at me.. all the time.. it is uncomfortable for my family and for me to see ppl staring... In England no one noticed...at all! Not one look, my friends cared, cried for me glad Im alive etc but no one stared...London, Brighton, anywhere i felt accpeted..When we got home we heard his mums boyfriend died as we flew on the plane and mom was in hospital with heart issues and we lost it.. so far away...for so long..

Just 2 days ago my oldest child went away to college and there I was... the mom whose son left and all of a sudden i started understanding the pain his mum felt and my mom is still feeling and honestly it hurts like hell. BUT we have raised our kids to live their lives for themselves, be happy and live as though your life will end tommorrow and my son is following his dreams so I will honor that and cry silently until the tears turn to joy and they WILL turn to joy and pride when i see his accomplishments and how happy his is living his life.

So it got us thinking... were early 40's now and we have one in college and one has 3 more years of school here in PA and then she is on her own too. I wont even be 45 yet and my kids will be gone. We have no family here, everyone is in CA or UK and we both want to go home (UK). When i was sick all our family was 3000 miles away in diffrent directions. Our "friends" were there for a while and then when i got better they were no where to be found.
Im not ashamed to say that Americans are very fickle and they are in and out of your life like sand through the hourglass.

My point is this...Everything we read, life is hard in the UK, house prices etc, unemployment, crime etc...But America is no bed of roses. WHY do you all come out here? What is the attraction? Our taxes are high, our crime rate is horrible, the smog in some areas is life threatening. Jobs are hard to come by and you have to work your butt off to be a success and that comes at the horrible price of loosing your family or selling your soul, homes are expensive unless your living in a bad area and even then they are ridiculous, school crime is up, some states have below normal educational systems and gangs are rampant.

The american way of life is filled with excess and more excess. We get ourselves into debt so we can have nicer cars, more computers, more electronic equipment and nothing ends up making us happy. Americans are more overweight and cancer is higher here than any other country. Some one tell me please what is the attraction? What am i missing ? I will be humble when i ask am i stupid? Living here all my life am i clueless?

Dont get me wrong this is my home, born and raised and i love my country and honor it but for me i search for a slower paced existence. Our friends back home go on vacations every year, we hadnt been on one in 20 years before this trip. Our 15 yr old daughter who is the smart geek at home and a loaner because no one understands her ( she is like her dad very british and her sense of humor is different) she LOVED England, the kids "got" her. She felt like people accepted her.

I know if we go i will have a smaller house and bigger mortgage. My mom will be 6000 miles away and that will be my own hell to deal with and I will. But my hubby will work less and im hoping we will be happier as a family because we will actually see eachother and not this 3 job per family thing.

I have no idea what my life will be like out there, i dont know if i will want to come home just for familiarity I know I will have friends who love us and want us home and I know that as an american I will be a novelty for a while and that too will wear off. I know that I love my husband and he deserves to go home after what he has given up for me..I dont know how it will all work itself out but ...

I know one thing...every day im reminded when I look in the mirror how short life is and im reminded of my regrets that i might have and reminded that in a nano second everything you worked so hard for like the 3 jobs, house, 3 cars in the driveway, IPODS, PALM pilots, etc can be GONE...and all that matters is FAMILY..no matter how you define family... maybe they are just friends who feel like family... but relationships.. thats whats important..

And as we make this decision we are reminded that our son is happy in college in the USA and may very well stay here and as a mom who teaches her kids to live their lives and be happy I have to understand that his life is his and our lives are ours and we all deserve to live them the way we see fit, so we can be happy...all of us...and that miles dont stop a heart from loving.

So i ask you... why do you come here? Do you have any advice for me going to live there? .....and I thank you for listening....

Kat

Elvira

Hiya!

Not easy to answer all your questions, but I guess people come here for various reasons - sometimes a combination thereof. Some want to pursue the 'American Dream', some marry Americans who don't want or can't to move to the UK, some come here for work - because their company transfers them to the US or because that 'Dream Job' comes along.

But I can see where you are coming from with a lot of the comments you make.

Have you visited the UK Yankees forum at all? I'm sure it would be very useful to you.

Good luck!

jonthelad

Karma for courage, Katadina. All I can suggest is that whatever you decide, make sure you, your husband and both children are all in agreement.
I wish you all the very best.
Jon.

Taffyles

And karma from me too Katadina and welcome aboard.

Here in FL we get a lot of Brits who come to Disneyworld on vacation and decide they want to live here. As Elvira said though people come for a variety of reasons- many (on this forum anyway) marry Americans and live here. In our case, my husband's UK company sent him out to open a US/UK company in PA- and then he was made an offer he couldn't refuse down here in FL. I came out 18 months after him- had to be persuaded to uproot the kids from excellent schools and move over- mainly to just be a family again.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I know quite a few Americans who've moved to UK and only one wants to come back (and that's for family), the others love it over there. An American ex-pat site will give you some insight but at the end of the day its an individual thing.

Grah

Hi Katadina,

my reason for moving was I didn't like where I was and looked for what I wanted.

Hardest part - finding out what it is that I wanted.

After that dumping the places that don't match you requirements becomes pretty easy.

As for distance from family - until their dead they are only a phone call away. And if your phone aint ringing constantly then you don't need to be living next door to them.

Emergencies, will be inconvenient if you have to time of work where ever you are the travel cost are going to be another bill. So teeth, car dings and taxes so either prepare a emergency fund budget or use a credit card.

To me environmental happiness can't be bought. Material things aren't worth a single heartbeat if they don't bring long term happiness.

Take a Trip to Disney unlimited spending with the worst and most annoying people you know constantly together for 2 weeks.
Compared to a picnic in the local park with your best friends and your children's best friends.

Picnic will last forever and build way more ties than the Disney trip

Tell you mom you love her buy her a Skype phone and show her how to call on the internet and you'll be able to go wherever you want in the world.

So roll your dice and take the chance, sounds like your youngest is up for an adventure. What's the worst that can happen you end up living with your MOM?? At least someone would be happy

Well best of luck and congratulations to finding your soul Mate and remember he is happiest with you not his old mates down the pub. So kick back and relax together on a porch somewhere at least once a week and watch this stinking beautiful world of ours go by.

Serenity

Hi,

Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into all this which is good. It won't actually prepare you for the reality but it will help. I lived in the US for 4 years, moved for love, and we've been back in the UK for 4 years. Earlier this year we decided to move back, hubs was homesick, I wanted the life we had there, but we eventually decided to stay as this country had a lot to offer too and we came to realise home and happiness is where you make it. If I'd stayed in the US the first time I would have been happy, I'd got used to it, I knew if we moved I would have to get used to it again. Hubs has just got used to living here.

It takes time to get used to a new country, new ways of doing things and sometimes even the smallest things can make you hate a place, like the lack of mixer taps and no plug sockets in the bathroom . Your husband may also suffer from reverse culture shock, I did and the spouses of some Americans I know on an expat site also did. You feel like you don't belong in your own country because it has moved on and you haven't... but you do settle into it again... eventually. Though there is usually an urge to cut and run back to the US within the first year!

Just be warned, you most likely WILL be unhappy when the shine of first moving has worn off, but it can be worked through. Even people who end up happy where they are have had a lot of unhappiness at first. It's a huge deal moving away from your comfort zone, from all that is familiar, from one side of a family. But also, that's not a reason not to go because you can also find great happiness and at very least have an adventure.

From my own experience and hanging round expat sites you can compare countries endlessly, but really it's not about that, you can't base whether you'll be happy on statistics. It's about what suits your family, what you want out of life, what matters to you.

If your hubs doesn't have US citizenship make sure he gets it before he leaves because if you do leave then want to return it's a helluva lot easier and cheaper if you can just move!

Scout

Where to begin? First off.......I'm an American......married to a Brit who also moved to the States for me and love. Then we moved to the UK.

People move to another country for millions of reasons. Love, work, a pot of gold, the grass is greener, etc. ...Yes a lot of people in the States are materialistic..........I know a lot who aren't too. People are materialistic in the UK too.........and a lot of people aren't. Yes, some people in both places are concerned about appearances...........and a lot of people aren't. In America family means a lot to some people and to others it's not always there when you need it. Same in the UK.....my point is.......home is where YOU make it. I was happy in America, my hubby wasn't....so we moved here. I am happy here and so is he. I think I'm the type of person who could be happy just about anywhere. Not everyone can.

It's hard moving countries. It's also expensive. But for many it's worth it.

The separation of families cannot be very difficult, but the internet, phone calls and planes make it much easier in this day and age.

Houses are generally smaller here and gardens as well....but IMHO houses here are much better built structurally.....now if they would just put more electric plugs in rooms I would be happy.

People aren't as spread out as they are in the States. There's less privacy when your neighbor can look out her kitchen window and see you in your kitchen window.

The guilt trips laid on you by family members come with the territory....but remember the old saying...."you can't please everyone, so you have to please yourself".

Good luck with your decision.

You may want to visit here and ask your questions as well: http://www.uk-yankee.com/

sassenach

Hi kat , if england is in the blood and you can go there ,i would say do it as life is too short ,so go and enjoy it and soak up all that englishness and it will make you a better person ,you will discover whata terrific sense of humour we have and you will be more culturally aware and you will discover new depths of lifes meanings by being there and i have no doubt in my mind you will love england more than a great deal of english ,who slag it and wish to get out and try the grass over the hill ,which in a lot of cases tastes the same or worse .Good luck

Katadina

SASS

thanks so much... our move has been moved up 2 years so by next summer we will be gone.. im scared to death but looking forward to the whole experience... thanks so much
Kat