Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I have been trying to make a solid effort regarding being less negative about things I cannot change but I am starting to wonder if one can get caught up in a mental state that cannot be changed.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my dislike for living in the US has increased dramatically the last year, to the point that little things drive me crazy. I have been trying to let these things pass me by but it is not working.

I am starting to wonder of my heart is trying to send me a loud message, that trying to live here is not what i am supposed to do, that it will never make me happy, that I have already tried enough and it is time for me to move on.

Did anyone feel like that before they decided that enough was enough and moved back home?

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

i believe one can get swallowed up by negativity, esp Brits, hell they are negative about their own country for starters.... it's too hot, too cold LOL

i made a huge effort to be positive and yes i had to make a special effort every day to see the bright side in my life over here and appreciate how lucky i am.

having said that i'm outta here one of these days :lol:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Yep, I can identify with what you feel....but I think I've finally turned a corner, and that's why I'm posting.
Because negativity I believe can be reversed. I think you just need to incorporate a different mindset.
We've been in Canada for 5 years or so now, and I've just never really settled.
I need to 'tell' a little of our story, just so as you appreciate that in reality I do indeed get where you are coming from, but moreso to the point that things can get brighter with a different spin on things. I'm not a hippie dippie type promise.
O.K. in brief, in 5 years, my husband (43) has had major heart problems, and now has a pacemaker. He's also been advised he needs total knee replacements in both knees, but that the downside of this, is that he needs to 'continue' with his bad knees for as long as he can, because apparently artificial knees can only be replaced once (twice if your lucky). He has high cholesterol and has sleep apnoea (sleeps with a C Pap machine). Rather like a dead handsome darth vader :lol: Oh and he's a skinny bloke, so not what one would expect from those conditions. He has always been the sole earner in Canada. I just could not get a job here (usual qualification nonsense).
Eventually, we decided to return 'Home'. So in order to secure a morgage I went home first to start working, and secure us a morgage. Unfortunately I was involved in a car accident whilst I was home working. I was a rear seat passenger, so absolutely nothing to do with me. The driver of the car that hit us from behind was 'actioned' by the police (drink involved), and Liability was conceded eventually by his insurance company. Unfortunately my injuries went on to develop into a very unpleasant condition. Basically my hand does not move and I am on painkillers. The painkillers tend to make me rather a numpty brain at the dosage that I'm on, apparently these are common side effects. I don't think numpty brain is a textbook term, but I'm sure you get my drift :D. The reality for us know is that because of my hand, I have been classed as disabled (but get no benefits), and of course now cannot earn an income irrespective of being at home or in Canada. Hubbie can't go back home to secure a morgage because we live in a rural location, and I can no longer drive because of the hand and pain medications. Numpty brain syndrome as well as immobility in the hand. The problem for us is compounded because we have dogs (lots of dogs), and short of shooting them, we're stuck in Canada because of the size of the morgage we would need, with no near neighbors, 'cos of the baskerville hounds. We have however decided shooting the dogs is not an option :lol:
I could go on...FIL died last year, and MIL has Alzheimers, and SIL not coping, and needs support which is understandable. After a while it gets boring, and too be truthful I get bored recounting it! Bear with me, I'm getting to the point (promise...I think)!
Well the accident was 3 years ago, and still the insurance company, having conceded liability are arsing around. No payments yet for physio, drugs, interim payment nothing. Bad solicitors being in the mix as well. My pain medication alone is $1480 every 3 months (fortunately OH has benefits, but the Insurance Company are unaware of this). I have also developed high blood pressure as a result of the stress (seemingly).
Well the final straw came following a pap test..HSIL! So colposcopy and two further biopsys and a loop procedure, still coming back as HSIL. Unfortunately however the 'problem' is that high up, Onc/Gyn has to do a cone biopsy, which I had done on Thursday. So we're now at the waiting stage to see if it's Cancer, and if so at what stage. Best scenario I understand is a hysterectomy.
So.... hold on I told you I'm getting there......! What may you ask has actually changed. To be honest I think it's my attitude. Having said that it has been no easy task, but I am so sick and tired of feeling that I have no control, with anything, that I've finally figured enough's enough. The realisation is whilst there are some things I can't control, there are somethings I most definitely can. I'm beginning to look at the things that I can organise to make me feel better. Stupid simple things, that I'd lost alongside my will to live in Canada :lol:
At least us Brits can bloody well laugh at ourselves ;). I'm no oil painting :D, but I used to care about the way I looked and dressed. I've realised I've put on over 3 stone, and have developed lots of grey hair since being here :eek: I've looked at this forum on occassions but was never a frequent poster, as I never really could see the point, until I finally realised along with so many other things in my life that in order to extract something from any given situation, you actually need to imput, or contribute. We all impact other people in some way, shape or form, and we all have people that care for us, even if it's just that one person. I'm not an intellectual person, I am a feeling person and sometimes a stranger can make all the difference, just by reaching out, and sharing. Thanks sans ;)
Well I've had two glasses of wine and I'm failing ;) I hope I don't regret this post in the morning, but there's worse things out there and in the world, and if it helps (or not), at least this post was always well intentioned :).

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Oh my goodness.. what a wonderful, heartfelt post! What a rollercoaster ride you have been on!

It really does take a certain type of person to weather the storms you have been through, but it really does take an extraordinary person to be able to turn the 'bad' around and start to make the very best you can from the situation.

I have to stop myself from posting 'negative' thoughts on here, ya know the normal dribble that us expats find ourselves going through, because so many times I read that someone else has 'real' problems and troubles. Not to say that when i'm having a sh*tty day, to me it feels really bad :blink: but I too have tried to turn the not so good to better.

I applaud you for how your coping... good for you, i wish u all the best :wub:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Sunshine Girl! You really are a ray of sunshine in spite of all the issues you have to deal with. I do hope and pray that the biopsy results will be in your favour so that you will have one more thing to smile about and can move on with your life.

Bless you!

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Sunshine girl.

Thanks for your post and for being brave in posting it. Really hope things turn out well.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Oops. Replied to wrong post..but I think you understand what I was on about

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Gotta say i found it only went away when i came back to England. Now all i want to do is go back!

I find the negativity here overwhelming. Mind you the falseness of North America is equally annoying. God i wish i'd never gone travelling back in 92!

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Yup we sure are a negative nation. My parents recently spent a few months in Oz with my brother. They did nothing but complain and moan about how much they wanted to come home. They arrived home last week and have done nothing but moan about the UK since they got back :confused:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

yep i hear you. when i'm back in the uk and out with my friends i'm always so positive and they look at me like i've had a lobotomy :lol:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I don't believe it is the US that you dislike/hate so much but that your emotions are so strongly colored by your resentment of being made to live where you don't want to live. You are obssessed now with your dislike of being here.

There are many Canadians who enjoy and want to live in the US and my husband is one of them and he is from Montreal but of English descent, not French.

Plainly and simply, you do not want to be here. It is not that you dislike the US, you dislike being forced to live here because your spouse will not leave.

You now have to choose for yourself.... marriage and remaining in the US or possible divorce and living back in Montreal. Only you can make the choice.

How anyone else feels is irrelevant. It is only your feelings that count.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

M'selleMtl, I don't know your full circumstances, and only you truely do so. Sorry if I lost the point I was trying (rather clumsily) to make.
I was 'trying' to address, that at times we are all faced with choices and that there are always consequences to those choices. The choices that we make at any given point may not be our absolute ideal choice(s), or those we would actively seek, but given all the 'options' available to us at the time, we hopefully make 'informed' choices. We then take ownership of the consequences.
My own negativity stemmed from the fact that I 'felt' I had no control over anything that was happening to me. Through no fault of my own, some idiot speeding drunk, has made me loose my career, and my ability in the short term to return 'Home'. He has left me with a chronic pain condition and a disability that was not of my making. Having said that what I do now IS of my own making. I still have choices, I may not like those choices, but I do have choices and options available to me. The easiest example would be to rehome my dogs, but it's an option I choose not to employ. I went through the menopause at a ridiculous age (28), and my dogs are like my surrogate kids. Sad I know :D
So I choose to deal with the consequences of not rehoming my dogs, which for us is to remain in Canada, until the Insurance Company pay me what eventually they will have to pay me. We can then return 'Home' with all my baskerville hounds.
What I tried to convey in my last message was that my attitude has changed radically over the last few months. I got into a really self destructive cycle of 'Waiting' :( Waiting for the solicitor, the doctors, hospital tests, blah blah blah. Well I finally figured out that in between all the 'Waiting', life still went on, but unfortunately for me mine stayed on hold, because I put it on hold myself. I was just in limbo.
Life is precious, and even if it's not exactly how you would script it for yourself, look at the choices, and options you have available.
The only time we have absolutely zero choice is when our time is up, and none of us know when that is.
I am very lucky in many respects. I am married to a top bloke, who is my hero. It's our 25th wedding anniversary this week (we married very young). He gets up to go to work at 5.00am, and has to literally 'bounce' off the bed to get up because his knees are that bad. He rarely complains. So, for me instead of ruminating about what I don't have, I look more in earnest at what I do have, and I'm beginning to look toward filling my time more purposefully, insofar as the things I can change.
I'm done with negativity, and if my biopsy comes back bad, then we'll deal with it:).
I hope you find the answers your looking for truely I do ;).
Thank you all for your kind thoughts, much appreciated :)

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I think that makes a lot of sense. Because of MM's difficulties the irritations of where she is really mount up for her.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Ah, the big, black hole ... easy to fall (or slide) into and hard to climb out. In the past 20 months I have found myself out walking the dog (on some gorgeous - if rainy! - mountain paths, for goodness sakes), with my head down, thinking, thinking ... while surrounded by some of the best scenery you could wish for. Doh!

If you are not where you want to be, or not where you want to work, or not with who you want to be with, sure, the negativity can be self-sustaining. For me right now, a lot of the negative thoughts are around the students I have to teach (though really, some of them would try the patience of a saint). There are also times I just don't come on BE because I can't take the negative posts ... and even reading the newspapers, watching TV (especially the news) does my head in. So much doom, gloom, obsession with manic behaviour, dregs of the world-type reality shows.

In the past 3 months, things have changed a bit for me, largely due to changes I have made in my own life. Meditation is one (I'm sure I don't do it properly, but the basic principles help me to get out of living in my head). Visiting an old friend is another. She told me some home truths (like I'm way too hard on myself), and also told me some things to do that help (also meditation-type stuff, like don't try to fight bad feelings, experience them). I've also become firmer in my decision to return to the US, so things feel that little bit more temporary (and so easier to deal with) - though it's unlikely I'll be leaving until at least late 2009. I'm focusing on positive things a bit like I would if I were a visitor - that makes a difference. And when the sh*t hits the fan at work (which it does frequently), I have a much more serene attitude to it.

But it's taken me a lot of work and traveling to get to this point. I know when/if I go back to the States, I'll definitely be going back a different person.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I could have written this post myself. :(

I've just moved back to the UK after 5 years in the US, and I tried to revert back to a happy mentality before I left, but with all the crap that had gone on, I ended up moving out to be by myself, got my financial problems sorted, but it didn't help the deep-down issues. I'd grown very bitter toward the country and it's policies, so even though my own problems were less, I could never change the main things there getting me down. The medical system and vacation policies were among my main gripes. The weather didn't help (too hot ALL the time) :( Now that I'm back in the UK, I'm bloody freezing cold hehehe but at least I'm happier within myself. And I have a jumper. :)

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I can't think of two more opposite places than LA and Montreal:eek: So I can definitely understand you not being happy in LA. Is there any chance that you can both move to somewhere near enough to LA without having to deal with the whole "LA thang"?
I can understand that it's difficult not to let the negatives consume your every waking moment and I don't know much about your circumstances, but perhaps you could try and write these feelings in a journal so they don't keep building up inside?
Failing that, when I have been very unhappy in the past, I sat down and wrote novels, not that any of them have ever been published (I haven't tried), but I would get caught up in the time, the places and the characters and that helped me a lot. Just a thought.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

There have been a lot of truths in these posts! The flame of dissatisfaction with your life fuelled by resentment is indeed a hard one to put out but yes, it can be done. It wont be easy but it can be done - fake it 'til you make it is a principle that works for me - if you do the positive self talk often enough and loudly enough you can convince yourself that not all you see around you is negative and horrible. With any of these things - if you consider how many years it took you to get to this state then expect to spend at least half as long again fixing it up (no magic pills unfortunately!).

Bottom line is that you have to make a decision one way or another because living in limbo is the hardest place to be. Once you have made the decision then it does get easier to get on with it.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Or bless babes am shedding here..... You know you send it back 100% ( BIG GRIN ) you used all the smileys up DOH X

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

The things I dislike about here are real and legitimate but they have taken on a more extreme feeling these days...


Rete, the reason I was so happy to have found this board was to be able to escape comments like "if you do not like it, leave etc..." Being able to talk to people who understand what it feels like to leave your country, your culture behind. It is not my intent to be rude but the fact that your husband or other people like living or want to live here is irrelevant to my question!


Yes, I agree...

No, it is not irrelevant. My point is this... I have been feeling very lonely and isolated and connecting with others who understand makes me feel less alone, less desperate!

Once again, my question was asked to those who can relate...there are some things you cannot know unless you have lived it yourself and even then, experiences may differ. That is why I asked my question to those who have been there! (Reread my initial post)

I am sure you mean well but I already know what is logical, what I need to do etc...I am simply looking for understanding and human connection from those who know it firsthand.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

And nowhere did I say that they weren't. You appear to have a large chip on your shoulder when it comes to Americans as the same things I said when said by others are welcomed by you and not by me.


And the BE board is not primarily a dumping ground for your or anyone else's pity pot. By all means wallow in your self-pity and rehash your negative feelings over and over again to any and all who will listen. That's you privilege as a BE member. You needn't worry, I will no longer feel sorry that you are stuck in a country you can't tolerate or that you deeply miss your family and friends. Nor will I read your posts or ever respond. You have told me, not so nicely, that I am not welcome to your little party. I will take my NYS wine back though before I leave;)

I do not take your negativity of my country personally nor did my post say that I did nor did I respond because I thought your negativity of my country was personal. I'm sure that you would not take my negativity of your province of Quebec personally either.


Again that was told to you in this thread by Brits and you accepted it nicely. But from you, the evil, sinister American, you must publicly renounce my offering of help.

Being from Quebec, perhaps you have an English reading comprehension problem. You have turned a well meaning post into a vendeta against you by me. It is irrevelant how others feel when it comes time for you to finally make a decision to stay or go. If you decide to stay, then stop bitching. If you decide to go, then go.

I understood perfectly. You are the one with the inability to comprehend and understand a gesture of friendship.

Adios!

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Rete, I have had a bad day and it was not my intent to be rude to you...I can tell by your previous posts that you have a loving and compassionate heart but your post took a turn when you mentioned your husband liking it here, that plenty of people like it in the US and want to move here. That changed the tone of things and is what caused my intense reaction.

Yes, I have had a chip my shoulder the last while, i am the first to admit that but I was reacting to a statement that I felt was written for the wrong reasons.

Your points were very matter of fact which was not a problem but the husband comment changed the tone of things and that is what I was reacting to.


Reading it made me feel how I often feel in my day to day encounters with people I know, like I should basically shut up and make a choice, leave if I do not like it. (I know that is not what you said) but that is how I felt when I read it.

Whatever the case, what I feel is what I feel but my apologies if it came across as being hurtful.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Sounds like a classic case of culture shock phase 2 or even 3 :o:-

"This may lead to the second stage of culture shock, known as the "rejection phase." The newcomer may begin to feel aggressive and start to complain about the host culture/country. It is important to recognize that these feelings are real and can become serious. This phase is a kind of crisis in the 'disease' of culture shock. It is called the "rejection" phase because it is at this point that the newcomer starts to reject the host country, complaining about and noticing only the bad things that bother them. At this stage the newcomer either gets stronger and stays, or gets weaker and goes home (physically, mentally or both)."

http://www.johnsesl.com/templates/reading/cultureshock/
for the full lot... Lot's of examples of it on the interweb

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

i feel that i cant help but be negative here so many things piss me off, i dont think i moaned this much in the UK, i know home is where my heart is and really hope i get back there oneday.

very pretty avater pic BTW:D

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

quote "The word "regression" means moving backward, and in this phase of culture shock, you spend much of your time speaking your own language, watching videos from your home country, eating food from home" - this sounds like me at the moment. Watching all things scottish on internet and listening to scottish music I dont even like!!

still cant figure out if i am just a bit homesick or truley wanting to go back. just dont want to be sitting here 10 years down the line saying the same things. but saying that, i really dont feel that negative about the place as i've said before - its just that its just not home and i dont think it ever will be.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Oh just ignore threads from Rete, the reason I come on this site is because I want to go back home and feel isolated in who I can explain my feelings to...it really, really helps when you can "chat" to people who are going through the same feelings and situations as you are......I do not like people who seem to come on this forum when it is for Brits who are missing or going/gone home and have a "go" at us for not enjoying the country they now live in (for whatever reasons) or for just are plainly missing "home".........it gets my goat it really does......and you do not come across as hurtful to people who know what you are going through only to those who don't
Take care and hope all goes well with you and your husband....

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Thanks for your support and understanding, very appreciated!

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

It's definitely a cultural thing. I had a job interview last week, and the woman there was saying how she's having a hard time convincing people in her department that they need to work on the internal "culture". She'd been out in the US for some training and wanted to do something back home to make the work life more enjoyable. However, the concept of making work fun was, she was told, a very American concept and not something that would go down well! I guess people like to be miserable for at least one-third of their time on earth! She's trying to come up with language that would be less "jolly" and Americanised so she can sell it better. It did make me laugh, but at the same time sad. I love it here, and I really want to make a go at it, but the way people dish down the country really is hard to take. You just want people to be proud of it - maybe everyone should leave for a couple of years and then come back! Might make them appreciate it more.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

You're in the hostile stage :)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2848359

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

To the original poster,

I'm living in Montreal from the UK and have the same problem as you, it's the little things that get totally and utterly blown out of all proportion. However I can definitely see why you would miss Montreal. It's got a lot of character and culture.

Little things like the drivers, the snow, English language discrimination bother me much more than they should, however things have started to change

I deliberately kept my business in the UK when I arrived here, for a time it looked like it would fail and that I would need to get a job at the bottom of the ladder in Montreal, with 2 weeks holiday per year, so I'd never afford or have time to go home. Things have taken a turn for the better, and my business has expanded and I get to go back home more on business.

My wife has relented from "we are here forever" and suggested we keep revisiting going back to the UK to live every year, she was even prepared to go back immediately, so I was the one who said lets give it another year, that has taken all the pressure off.

It seems all these negatives have turned into positives, I still am homesick and would ulitmately want to live in the UK but I am enjoying my life here now, but it did require some compromise from my other half, maybe thats all you need.

Jonathan

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I agree

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I have always been very struck with curiosity by the notion that Americans are characterized by false positivity.

For one thing, the US is a HUGE country that consists of 50 mini-countries (call them states if you want, but they are more different from each other than many countries are from each other). How can you compare the outlook of people in LA (for example) with people in NYC (for example)?

But besides that, my own experience of living mostly in the American South (which seems to be especially tarred with the "fake polite" brush) is that the consideration, concern, politeness, positivity, whatever you want to criticise them for, has been for the most part quite genuine.

But mostly, I'd take a smiling "How are you?" over a grumpy glare that says "**** off!" any day. ;)

Hey, what's going on? My **** (the word that Father Jack says in the Father Ted series) turned to ****! Where's the fun in that?

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

I agree, I can't say that I've ever come across any more examples of "false politeness" here than I did in the UK.
It's a generalization which tends to be dragged out frequently when people are looking to criticise the US. There are plenty of things this country can be criticised for, but fake politeness isn't one of them, unless, of course, you're referring to people running for political office.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

me too...:thumbup:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

That reminds me of my Australia Aunt when she was visiting us here in Toronto a few years ago and besides complaining about the cold (it was May and 20 dregrees) I remember she was irrated by the "politness" of the staff in the hotel especially when she would say "thank-you" and the response would be "you're welcome". :confused:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

hehe it really is irritating however over the yrs i have switched off to it thank goodness :cool:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

That reminds me of Borat:

"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
[pause]
"Thank you"
"You are welcome"
[pause]
"Thank ... you"
"... You're welcome"

:rofl:

[I am having quite a day today. Decided to work from home and have spent half the day on BE. Makes a change from working every day, evening and weekend for the past few weeks]

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

Why the ***flicking F U C K*** do you bother to post on the MBTUK board, seeing that you clearly have absolutely NO IDEA what it is like to be an unhappy expat, nor do you have even a nanogram of insight into Mademoiselle's situation.

I have pretty much abandoned BE because of tossers like you, but this post of yours pretty much takes the biscuit. You should confine yourself to the Immigration Boards - where your advice is valued.

Stop stirring up S H I T in this part of the forum.

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

well said elvira, that's my girl :thumbsup:

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

That rude and unfair ... everybody is entitled to an opinion
good, bad, for or against ....

an apology would be nice .,..

Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
 

no more rude and unfair than the post elvira is replying to. an opinion is all well and good but when someone is not an expat how can they begin to even understand, let alone give advice :confused: