JULIEROSE

Hi Everyone,
I have been on and off this forum for a few years and have not posted for a long time, probably because I just felt I needed to get on with American life and I found it hard being away from London, and the South West of England.

I have been here since 2001 in Virginia, my husband has been in the military and retired but now works for a company that has contracts with the military. He was meant to be in the Pentagon when 911 happened and sober day for us still tomorrow, he is currently away on military work and, I am finding I really need some advice on some issues so I am reaching out to you all as; I don't have any family, any support here, and my husband is away, and just need some advice from people from home.

I am having an issue with a child/friend problem and would really appreciate any help and advice on how to best deal with this delicate situation. I just don't know how to move forward without upsetting and causing some kind of drama that I would very much like to avoid. I've been through things before with some women here and it wasn't pretty they isolated me and I was really upset about it. I really don't have any close friends here as I don't attend a church and although I know people I just haven't been part of the little religious groups they all have, my husband is not religious and this is sometimes a lonely place to be if you are not part of a church.

My daughter Scarlett just entered first grade and she is a very friendly easy going little girl who really needed and wanted a friend, she didn't make a special friendship in Kindergarten. She has now made a friend with Courtney in first grade which, first of all I was happy about but several red flags have come up. Her Mother said that Courtney was moved schools because she was teased about her teeth, and had no friends and she really wanted to have a play date with Scarlett. So, I allowed a play date last week. I picked them all up from school and as soon as I put Courtney in a car seat she said she never had one, and her Mother never belted her up. The play date was ok but there was diffciulties with Courtney did not listen and just ran wild, in every room in the house and outside. I asked her to put her shoes on before they went outside and she plainly told me "NO". I told her she had to and she ran off.

Her Mother finally arrived and I told her again, again she refused in the end she put them on. Her Mother was meant to come by at 6:15pm it turned into 7:15pm. So I have avoided the Mother if I can when picking up my kids but she always hangs out waiting for me and she is pushing for another play date. This woman stinks of cigarettes I do not smoke and do not want my child around anyone that does in their presence. The teacher moved Scarlett away from Courtney because of talking now the Mother has asked for them to be moved back. I was horrified today when I saw her Mother put her in the front seat of the car, no seat belts for either of them nor a car seat for Courtney. I just don't want my child around this.

What should I do, what is the best way forward, should I talk to the school about this, should I just try and avoid them and make excuses?

Pulaski

I have a six year old daughter.

I don't believe it's a school issue at all. Unless things turn "difficult" actually at school I don't see any reason to involve the school.

Personally, I would not agree to any further play dates, at all. The other girl sounds like she is already a bad influence, and that will only get worse over time, and likely accelerate.

I would avoid the mother, if at all possible, but if necessary explain firmly and politely that you do not want further play dates. I would avoid trying to explain or justify the reasons, no good will come of that, IMHO. Just be firm and day "no". The reason being that either she will become hostile, or promise to change whatever factors you give, and, cynic that I am, I know she will not change.

The biggest challenge may be to explain to your daughter why she should not play with the other girl at school.

JULIEROSE

The Mother is hanging around waiting for me when I pick up the kids up so it is so difficult o avoid her as she is desperate for Courtney to have a friend. I am finding it difficult to be so blunt and say no to play dates - but I have to do it. The whole riding in the car without car seats in the front seat and without belts is a huge safety issue that needs to be addressed and doesn't sit well with me at all as I worry about Courtney being in an accident. I think I'm just going to say we are very busy with outside activities. Courtney sits with Scarlett every lunch time I just have to try and get her to make some other friends and talk to the teacher about it being ok that she was moved as her Mother is trying to get her moved back. So sad some kids have such stupid parents! I feel bad for Courtney but you become who you hang out with and I just see this as a huge challenge. Like I said I went through something like this in pre-school and the Mother turned on me when I refused to babysit her son, all the parents and little school turned on me.

AmerLisa

I would definitely come up with excuses not to have another play date with this kid, definitely something going on there...

As far as your daughter, it's hard not having friends, but maybe you could encourage a play date with another girl? Or maybe have a little "tea party" so you can have some kids over and kind of break the ice with the other mothers? I know religion plays a big part in those areas, but surely there must be other outlets for those children? Perhaps involve her in a dance class? Girl Scouts? Other ways to meet children and parents.

Jerseygirl

If you can't avoid the mother...just give her the brush off by having a string of excuses on hand. Be polite but firm...business like rather than friendly.

JULIEROSE

Thank You yes she has some friends but not a special one - the kids in the neighborhood just a few since we are in a small neighborhood and small town... many of the parents work and pick their kids up late, and some go to private school which, I wish we did but it is expensive when you have two to send. I did lots of play dates before and many people move on here in NOVA and we don't fit into the local churchy groups. The school also stopped invites for birthday parties happening and invites in general so no one would be hurt. I find we find we get on better with the Jewish people but we don't have many of them around this area, the other ones not the typical locals like the Latin and Asian Drs and professionals have their kids go to private school and I am starting to really get why and why I need to get some money together so I can move my kids in a more global circle of friends.

JULIEROSE

Yes I am trying to but she is like a bad rash won't take no for an answer!

Bob

Pick up without a car seat though, that can be a school issue if there's an accident involved.

Perhaps a quiet word with the school nurse, who could put it to the mother.

That won't help with the other issues of avoiding the mother, but might help address the lack of seat belts....there can't be that many states along with NH that allow you to not use seat belts?

Jerseygirl

Stand your ground and be firm...do not falter.

As Lisa said try to get your daughter involved in other things....so she has a greater chance of asking friends.

JULIEROSE

Yes we did swimming in the summer with our Jewish Dr friends that was fun but they go to a private school miles away and live several miles away. I did have her in dance class but everyone just dropped off thekids them picked them up and there were no invites to play date or birthdays. We invited them to us only two came that were home schooled. I need to find some other places for her to find friends and my son ... it just seems so many are attached to a church and their own little flock.

JULIEROSE

It really is and they are suggesting a new system where you pull up and pick up in the car instead of picking up in the main hall. If they see her jump in the front seat without a belt I wonder if they will do anything? I was thinking about talking to the teacher about it being ok that Scarlett was was moved and just let her know my concerns.

penguinsix

I'd avoid the mother but wouldn't necessarily shun the child, if that's possible.

While it seems she is a bit of a wild child, we've found that the influences can work both ways when interacting with our kids. Our kids may get a bit more 'wild' for lack of a better word, but we also insist (and I do mean INSIST) on proper behavior from the other child when they are in our home. After a visit we sometimes have a chat with our kids about "why we don't put shoes in the microwave" or whatever was the incident de jour. We've found in just a few playdates a much improved attitude from the 'wild' children who have come to visit. Still, there are some kids and parents that can't be corralled by a few play dates. In those cases we simply fob off requests.

Unfortunately, the car seat and cigarettes and lateness are things we wouldn't tolerate from another parent around our child. Not having a car seat is illegal in the state of Virginia until a child is age 8. I would mention it to the school nurse or vice principal and perhaps even to the mother.

JULIEROSE

thanks we are on the same page I think I do need to say something to the school as it really bothers me and I would never forgive myself if something happened to Courtney in that car.

Pulaski

Sorry, but I don't see how a parent picking their own child up from school in a car without a child seat has any connection to the school. Maybe I just haven't lived in the US long enough.

penguinsix

Many hospitals will not let you leave the grounds unless you have a car seat installed (at least for newborns). Bars have also been sued for serving too much alcohol to drivers.

I'm sure in this litigious society someone would find a way to go after the school, even if it was the parent's fault.