I love the US and all thats good and bad about it, so this made me laugh...lots!

Daz

"A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns or
lawyers. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not adult enough to

be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like
they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector)
will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due
(backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no
representative government in the USA, in line with the policy: "No
representation without taxation".

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers
(never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be
searching Boston first.

19. Within the first 90 days, you will be expected to accurately
identify a minimum of ten (10) Coronation Street characters and explain
the links between them.


God save the Queen.

She should be saved, and only He can.

John Cleese"

Oh how funny, this gave me a real chuckle! Of course the whole time I was reading it I could hear his voice! lol
Thanks for that!

LOL...I know what you mean..like Whoooosh (sound of arrow hitting wood) Cleese: "Message for you sir!"

This seems to pop up every election.

But its still funny

it was mildly amusing the first time it was posted here - a bit less so after the 295th time

and BTW John Cleese had nothing to do with it

Good god! Well it was the first time I'd seen it and though some might like a chuckle. I won't bother next time.

Have you been living in a cave for the last five years?

HOW to SURVIVE the LOUNGE..TIO..AND OTHER PLACES and be a better person.. 2

1. Look and learn for a week before your first posting

2. For your first posting a introduction of yourself is most welcome
and appreciated..be pleasant and un-critical ... People do not respond
to the unknown entity.

3. You may think you are smart ..There's lots here smarter than you
accept this. I am not included in that statement

4. For your first 100 or so postings stick to non-contenuous
issues ... allow time to get your feet under the table

5. Postings can sometimes get quite heated.. Do not threaten
anybody..they may well be 3000 miles away and you will look silly
It is permitted to waggle your cursor across their name in a
violent manner.. NEVER EVER bring up a posters partner in any
type of negative way, particularly if they do not post

6. Mickey-taking is here big time.. its just frivolous chat.. Do not
let it get to you ... have fun with it ..

7. We have all ages, religions, sexual orientation and colors here..
accept them all....

8. If you just returned from Disneyland, wait at least three months before informing us that you, your wife and three small children have decided that you just have to move to Flordia and ask for advise on visas.

9. Any thread about immigration, slavery or pool cleaning must include an allegation of racism within 3 pages.

10. If you are conservative, pro-life, or voted for Bush and say so...be ready for the feeding frenzy. You will be ridiculed, gutted, filleted and hung out to dry... of course this may well all change at the speed of light

13. For your viewing pleasure, always have a mega bucket of Popcorn handy
for when the fight starts.

14. Smilies are there for those dummies who can't get words out ...
Keep their use to a minimum .. one a week ..is good ..

15. Avoid calling regular posters "Cliquey Tossers that jump on newbies" until you get to know them.

16. Any thread that starts out talking about politics or religion will end up talking about oral sex or masturbation. accept this

17. No Karma Whoring

18. No attention whoring

19. No ugly people that think they are attractive are allowed in the Lounge. Ugly people that acknowledge their lack of beauty are more than welcome.

20. If your post begins with "I know this has been posted before" don't post it... it has been posted before. Revocation ..we heard it already

21. We know the food is different and you miss your pickled fizzle farts, and we know the censoring of cuss words in movies on TV is annoying, and we know there are a lot of religous nutters here..

22. The discussing of vaginal and anal discharges is not recommended

23. Mods can be bated to a certain extent, Don't push it.
Do not try this on Admin.

24. We have a photo gallery for your use, Comments will be made
good and bad...live with it.

25. You can have your own blog here, nobody will read it.

26. Premium membership gets rid of all those bleedin Ads ..well worth it

27. Somebody will help you with an avatar ..just ask.

28. If your unsure on anything ASK... We are just like you ..only better

29. Do not post porn in words or pics. Admin will hurt you ..

30. Ok ..this is written tongue in cheek and for fun ...but will keep you in the ballpark... happy and safe .....

you know i had never seen it either and had a giggle.

I think some of you forget that most don't go hunting through really old posts when viewing the boards.

the OP was only posting something cos he thought others would like it. So what if people have seen it before - just don't read it again.

the arrow hit him didn't it?? I am on the hunt for that sound byte to put on my phone for when I get a text message or vm.

more and more relevant too.

I am putting this thread out of its misery. This so-called John Cleese written piece has been posted on BE too many times to mention.

Thread closed.