Cat07758

I am American and my husband is British and we are moving back to the States in the early 2006 depending on when our flat sells.

We haven't told my husband's parents yet as they are very controlling and try to run our lives for us. We are really afraid of their reaction to our moving even though my husband is 29, his mother insists he call her every day. Our moving is also complicated because we are having a baby in September and know it will be hard for his parents.

I am interested in everyone's parents, family and friends reactions to your move to the States. How did you tell them? When did you tell them? How did they react?

ian-mstm

While this won't work for you since you're already married, when the time came to tell my folks I was considering a move to the US, I actually sent them a photo of me and Sheila together. That was it... just a photo with "a picture is worth a 1000 words" written on the back. They phoned and asked me to let them know what was going on.

At other times, when I have had to purge my family demons - and this might be a good starting place for you - I've started the conversation with something like, "Before I say anything, you must first understand that this has been a process for me, and although you are only now hearing of it, I have worked this through in my mind many times and I feel that what I'm about to tell you is right for me."

Your in-laws probably won't be too pleased with any decision you and your husband make and they will probably see a move to the US as a slap in the face for them. You know... the classic mother's guilt syndrome, "Well, who do you love more... her or me?" However, you cannot worry too much about this... it is your life after all and unless they know of a way to physically strap you to a chair to prevent you from moving, go ahead with your plans if that is what you want to do.

Dealing with family is never easy, so you might want to discuss beforehand how you will approach the issue, how and who will respond to specific questions and, most importantly, you must agree that neither of you will back down. Be strong!

Ian

souls canuck

well for me it was a nightmare! my family is very close.. there are 20 of us. noone has left.. we are all within an hours drive , pretty much.

everyone thought he would come to us but I decided a change might do me some good so I would be the one to go.. my folks were not keen at all.. they had a bit of an intervention.. lots of tears and shouting..

I am not sure they will ever really get over it.. things are still a little strained. the rest of the family is waiting for my return, which I said would probably be in a couple yrs.. this is all somewhat temporary.. but then if I love it, maybe I will stay here. so my sister still says at almost every call "hurry up and come home would ya?"

so the tempness of it all makes it easier on them.. but my dad thinks I am never coming home.. which I suppose is possible. I am not sure giving up my life back home was worth it really. the gains may not be greater then the sacrifice. I have my husband and he will do whatever it takes, as will I. we are trying to make a good go of it..

good luck...

RICH

Parents and family/friends were supportive in the 6 months from me announcing engagement, to leaving UK.

But on the night before I left I had a huge fight with Dad. At the time I put it down to him " losing control/influence" over me, but now I prefer to think he was just going to "miss me" and vice versa. We both seem to be OK with the situation now, after a year!!

Rich

jasonabc

You are both adults and would not have arrived at such a large decision lightly or quickly and your family should respect that. The reality will probably be somewhat different (!) as this is such an emotive issue (especially as grandchildren are about to become involved) but you just need to make sure you are prepared for such things when you make the announcement.

At the end of the day - you are both from different countries so wherever you live one of you will always be away from "home". What's important is that you do what is best for *you* and your circumstances and not anybody else's.

Just Jenney

Mark has a wonderful relationship with his parents, so they were actually very excited for him when he announced that we were engaged and he was going to emigrate to the US.

However, my relationship with my parents has always been strained and it was difficult when I had to inform them ten years ago that, a month after college graduation, I was moving to Santiago, Chile. Around spring break I came home, sat them down and let them know that Ian (then-fiance) and I had obtained jobs in Santiago and would be moving there in June. I tried to put a positive spin on it -- I would get fantastic international experience and an opportunity to improve my Spanish, etc.

But here's the thing: My parents always see the negative in everything, are worried about what people might think, etc. The cup is always half-empty in their world. Upon learning about my impending move abroad, they were mostly concerned that I was essentially throwing away my college degree (never mind that my degree was in Latin American Studies & Spanish!), that I would be living in a "third world country" (I'd hardly describe Santiago that way), and -- worst of all -- that Ian and I would be living in sin (Ian was my high school sweetheart whom they'd known for 6 years; we'd been engaged for two years already). I think they were also concerned that their daughter would be considered flightly and irresponsible (which couldn't be further from the truth) and thus reflect poorly on them.

So ultimately it didn't matter how much positive light I tried to shine on the situation, it didn't matter that all my friends and fiance's family thought it was a great opportunity for both of us; my parents were still not going to like it. They reluctantly accepted it, though -- I was, after all, an adult. I was not asking them for any money to carry out my plans, as I had saved up on my own and sold my car. I wasn't relying on them for anything besides dropping me off at the airport. Their reaction (disappointment & concern) was not unexpected, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated it to be.

I lived in Chile for two years, and to this day my parents have never really said anything about my having lived there and "survived". Sometimes I wonder if deep down they assumed I wouldn't have been able to handle it and are surprised that I did. I suppose I'll never know.

What I *do* know is that although living as an expat in Santiago was very trying and difficult, I can't imagine my life now without having had that experience. It was the most extreme method of gaining independence that I could possible achieve -- moving thousands of miles and a continent away from my parents. It allowed me to experience life in such a way that I know they will never be able to understand, and therefore it makes that experience solely mine. And it reinforced the idea that I am not simply an extension of my parents but a person in my own right, with the opportunity to make my own mistakes and learn from them. That's what being an adult is all about, I think.

Bottom line here is, your husband is 29 and married and about to become a father, so he needs to focus on and do what he feels is best for HIS family. We can't please everybody all the time; there will always be someone who will be disappointed with whatever choices we make in our lives. If your husband feels it's best to move his family to the US, then Mum and Dad will just have to accept that. He doesn't necessarily need to explain why, just that you and he have discussed it in-depth and decided it is the best course of action for your family. If he keeps the discussion on you, him and your family, then anything that his parents may try to say about how it will affect THEM only reflects their selfish and controlling nature. This has nothing to do with them.

Sorry I don't have any better advice to give, but I do understand from where you're coming; it's not easy, but it IS doable.

~ Jenney

Noorah101

*Some* parents didn't find out their son had immigrated to the USA until a year after he did so! Then again, he had already been living outside his home country for 9 years and his parents were used to him being gone. Still, mom shed quite a few tears when he finally told her.

Rene

meauxna

I *knew* you two had the devil inside!

Cat, I don't envy you the coming annoucement. I feel really fortunate that my parents have supported my expatriations over the years, as a result they've earned my support of theirs-- we were just talking over logistics for their next move this morning.
Best wishes for a happy conclusion to the conversation!

ian-mstm

Wow, this has triggered a very strong memory for me! My folks felt the same way when I had finished my undergraduate degree (music) and was considering working for a while as a bartender. I really wanted the experience of working on my own for a while but, to my dad, this was tantamount to plunging a dagger into his heart! It didn't help any that I was the first in the family to finish college - mom and dad both only had a high school education.

Well, I am so thankful that I read Tolkien's Lord of the Rings a few years earlier and was blessed with a good and quick memory... because as soon as my dad's words, "Ian... all that is gold does not glitter" came out of his mouth, came my immediate response to him, "Not all those who wander are lost"! Well, his jaw just about hit the floor but I guess I had made my point.

Ian

Stina

Wow Ian, I would never have had you pegged as another musician!

Chris emailed my parents, who at the time had no idea we were even dating. I had planned previously to move to the US to be with someone else, and I was working on a cruiseship for several months so I wasn't at home anyway. They were understandably surprised, and it took some time for my mother particularly to come around to the idea.

Ultimately, what my parents wanted to be sure of was that I was happy and going to remain that way; once they'd accepted that I was sure and things were going well, they were happy too. To them, it makes no difference whether I'm 5 miles away or 5000 - I'm still not at home.

Good luck with the announcement!

whistlestop01

I must say telling my mum and stepdad in particular was the hardest thing to do as my mum has 3 daughters and one of them has lived in Australia now for 13 years and her other daughter still lives in England thank goodness. I am the youngest daughter and moved last year to MA, USA so she has one east and one west now.

My parents were devastated but they knew that I have to live my life the way I want to. Fortunately I have that support but knowing they are 3500 miles away is hard but I wouldn't have changed my mind.

You have to live your life however you want it whether its here in USA or back in England and hopefully they will understand that. It sounds like they are going to take it very hard but what's important is your happiness.

ian-mstm

I taught high school instrumental music for 10 years before getting involved in adult education... much more rewarding both personally and professionally!

Ian

Rete

Are you moving to the US so that you will be away from the controlling parents/in-laws? Is that the motivation behind the exodus to the US? If so, then both you and your husband will have to find your backbone and tell them simply, honestly and firmly what your decision is. You need not tell them it is because of them. If you want to be adults, then this is your first opportunity to "practice" adulthood. Easier for you but harder for him. He has to cut the ties that bind. You can always temper the announcement with the fact that your family would like the opportunity to have the three of you as family on US soil for a while and that you want to allow your child to know what life is like living in the US and later she/he can will the opportunity to experience life in the UK.

PS we didn't have to tell anyone. Jim's parents were gone for many a year. One of the advantages of being an older couple.

shepslady

Although my entire family were devastated at the idea of not having me just a phone call away they knew that my new American husband made me truly happy. Theyd seen so many changes in me since I fell in love with this wonderful man so as long as he promised to always keep me safe & happy they supported me 100%. Its been 5 years on & off now & my Mother still hates the idea but shes really good about it. We take turns to phone each other twice a month & yes we still shed a lot of tears together on the phone but our conversations are full of I love yous (something we always had difficulty in saying to each other until I moved to the US) I may have moved thousands of miles away from home but we have in fact grown closer & thats something that we both cherish. Guess the best thing to have come out of this is the fact she now knows I will always need her & shes always there for me, always has the right words to give me strength when Im homesick etc.
Telling your family will be tough but as long as its the right decision for you, things will work out just fine.
There is no easy way to do it so just be brave & tell them as gently as you can.
I wish you & yours the best of luck but am sure it will all be fine in the end.

Cheers
Shepslady

P.S. I not only left a Mother & Sister behind I also left 3 adult sons so it was an extremely difficult time for me but my family have been amazing & my visits home are incredible as are the visits my family make to me.

Mh

In article <[email protected]> ,
Cat07758 <member35974@british_expats.com> wrote:
    >I am American and my husband is British and we are moving back to the
    >States in the early 2006 depending on when our flat sells.
    >We haven't told my husband's parents yet as they are very controlling
    >and try to run our lives for us. We are really afraid of their reaction
    >to our moving even though my husband is 29, his mother insists he call
    >her every day. Our moving is also complicated because we are having a
    >baby in September and know it will be hard for his parents.
    >I am interested in everyone's parents, family and friends reactions to
    >your move to the States. How did you tell them? When did you tell
    >them? How did they react?

Wow. Some people have had it incredibly hard!

My younger sister made it easier on me by moving away first. But, I think
after the 7th or 8th trip the US, plus the 6-week roadtrip, they kind of
gradually realized it was going to happen.

They weren't "thrilled", but they were happy for me. I miss them, but I'm
happy here. I think it was also the fear that I would never get married that
helped them with their worries :-)

Mattias