I've been an expat for about four and a half years and much of the time I feel like I'm just not in the right environment for me. I feel out of my element – a fish out of water. I suspect others here in this forum have felt this way. I'm wondering, how do you know when this "what on earth am I doing here?" feeling is an effect of less than successful or complete integration into a new culture or that the environment you find yourself in just doesn't suit you and you shouldn't be there to begin with? This is NOT homesickness that I am feeling – I have felt that, know what that's like and it's not how I'm feeling (though I do feel it on occasion). I'm not dying to get back 'home'. It's more a feeling of where I'm at has never and will never feel like home, so why am I still here? Probably an impossible question to answer but I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts.

Hi HWP

I guess it is a very personal thing, and there are no easy solutions. Some people are happy to live an "expat lifestyle" if the benefits (career progression, affordability etc ) outweigh the disadvantages (language problems, cultural divorce etc). Other people (me included) cannot really be happy if the values of the society in which they are living run contrary to their own. If this happens in your home country, there are things that can be done to change this (stand for election for example, move to a different environment (eg compare and contrast Peterborough and Cambridge)), or you can try emigrating . If you are living in a foreign country for a short period (say less than 10 years) you cannot really justify bending society to your will so the onus is on you to leave, change yourself (I believe fake Burberry can be purchased very reasonably these days ), or adapt to option one (make sure the advantages/disadvantages work in your favour).

On the other hand, many people go through life feeling slightly dislocated from their surroundings (eg Susan in Educating Rita). You are not the only person to feel like this, but I hope you do manage to find your solution.

I think you'll find a lot of people who haved moved around a bit feel the same way. Although I wouldn't go so far as to say fish out of water, because I've lived all over the world, I find I'm constantly a bit restless, with the old itchy feet syndrome. Not sure it'll ever change.

Well, I have been thinking about returning for a while, but what got me REALLY looking for jobs recently was that my boss p*ssed me off. Big time.

i feel exactly as you describe. Its not the place, lack of effort etc - its just me...My husband says im like this because if i "let go" and immerse myself and think this is it and really enjoy myself, then it takes me further from my homeland and that i dont want that to happen.

maybe he's right about that.....maybe theres something in that. even so, i expect you have to then decide whether you WANT to truly accept this place as home or not. if the answer is not, you will probably always feel like a fish out of water

then you have 2 choices 1) accept you area fish out of water but try to enjoy the place for what it is
or 2) make plans to return home.

in an ideal world, i would choose option 2, but my husband and kids are happy here - so i need to give it a while longer and hope he comes round to deciding to go back too. if we go back too soon, he will feel like i feel now but back in the uk, and i wouldnt put my worst enemy through that!
so, i s'pose its whether you are living alone or have other viewpoints to consider too that comes into play as well
good luck!

You hit the nail on the head with your "whether you are living alone" comment. Some of the most misreable posts on here are from mixed-nationality expat couples, or even same-nationality couples where one spouse/kids want to be one place and the other spouse/kids want to be in another place.

As hard as it's been for me to move at times, having just my dog to worry about makes me realize I have it easy compared to some.

I have come to regard culture and environment to be closely related (depends on your definition of the two, but environment is definitely shaped by culture). I think it is very difficult to integrate into the culture of a new country if you are just not suited to a particular environment. Also I think you also have to ask yourself if you based on your experience you want to integrate in the way you describe.

I myself am having problems integrating into society & environment in Calgary and have reached to conclusion that I don't actually want to fit in here (you can see were this will eventually lead me to can't you?!?!?). Is there any use in trying to be a person that you are simply not? Isn't that a denial of your values and everything else that you are?

Feelings of this nature are very hard to crystallize into words, but most importantly, I think that recognising and coming to terms with who you are and ultimately what you want, is one of the most important parts of the whole living abroad experience. Perhaps living abroad brings these issues into greater clarity?

Hope you find peace of mind.

Merry Xmas

Thank you for the replies. You have all given me something to think about and/or made me feel not so alone in how I feel. Very much appreciated!

acer rose - What, no informative chart?! Thanks for reminding me about weighing the pros and cons. It's something I actually haven't done in a while and my life circumstances have changed a lot since I have. I've spent the last couple of days making a few lists and it's been very revealing and very helpful. LOL @ the Burberry comment.

Dan725 - I've never thought about myself as a wonderer but maybe I am and I've just never realized it! Something to mull over!

chance to be and dunroving - fortunately I'm single and childfree so I don't have to really take into consideration anyone else... though I do have close friends to think about but that's not near the same ... though in a way having a free choice is very difficult as I've only myself to blame if I ph*ck it all up.

NewCalgarian - Thank you. I think what you wrote is very true and struck a chord in me - "I think that recognising and coming to terms with who you are and ultimately what you want, is one of the most important parts of the whole living abroad experience. Perhaps living abroad brings these issues into greater clarity?"

I have lived in Calgary and I think I know what you mean. I don't hate the city - it can be fun, I love the climate there, have a couple of friends there and I have many good memories of the place but I know it's not my kind of town. To most there (even my friends!), I'm just a flakey, hippy-dippy, west coaster... which when I think of it, I am; they're all completely correct. And that's how I feel where I am now... a flakey, hippy-dippy, west coaster even further away from where I think I feel most at home (I think!). Yeah, this expat living can force a person to really get to know themselves - whether they want to or not. I suddenly feel like Dororthy and I should be clicking my heels!

Thank you again everyone. I hope you all figure it out for yourselves as well. It's a gut-wrenching, exciting, terrifying and wonderful experience, eh? Can you imagine in a few decades... people might be deciding whether to live on earth, the moon or space station X? FFS!! :scared:

Hi HWP

I think I understand you and what you are feeling. I am an expat that has come back - been back 5 years. I still pine for the cannuck life. We have made a decision and I am taking my kids back to canada this summer for good. I had to just make a decision and stop humming and ahhing. It will be a change for the kids. I have friends here and money, but something is just not right in my heart. it is like a big part of me is missing. I hope that this solves it
listen to your heart and use your head to carry out it's wishes!

all the best eh!

Sharmagirl

Hi Sharmagirl. Just so I have this straight... you moved from Britain to Canada and have been back in Britain for five years and have now decided to return to Canada? Sorry, I'm easily confused.

What is it do you feel is missing in your heart if you don't mind me asking. I'm trying to understand that feeling in myself.

"Listen to your heart and use your head to carry out it's wishes!" - Thanks, I like that very much... brought tears to eyes in fact. I'm a bit wobbly today.

Hey I completely understand.

I moved to Canada as a child - but spent my summers in england. Then as an adult I have moved back. But i still miss sooo much about Canada, I think a persons heart has a place where they feel like "home" is. The comfort, the assurity that it is safe.
I have always been one for the bold adventure. But I must be getting old. lol
Because I long for being able to look out the window and see blue skies, frosty snowy winters, hot and sunshine filled summers. This so lame, I know!! But it is more than the weather it is the whole package. I can't even put it into words....
My Sister (Baby sis - she is now 18 yrs!!) She has just come over for a visit while she treked around the UK. My kids Loved their aunty and I had my family with me. I moved my little family to the uk for a better life. And finacially - it has been fantastic for us. But I miss Canadian life. the people the culture the jokes the lifestyle. And to risk offending anyone - I haven't found much substance in the uk it is all bling, flash and parties. It wears out after a bit.

Oh God what a ramble - sorry you have hit me at a wobbly moment as well. Perhaps it is not what you are missing but what the UK is missing

Sharma

Thanks Sharmagirl. I think you have a point. Although I like and appreciate many things about the UK, it just has never felt like home to me and I don't think it every could. There are some things in life that are very important to me that do not exist in the UK (and I'm not talking about family! I love that they're on another continent! ). I haven't realized how important these things were to me until recently. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced that I could never feel at home here and that this is why I constantly feel that something's not right in my life. I have so much to sort out.

I think we all feel out of sorts ,out of place and confused in our lives.....Me and my husband were wanting to move to the US...unfortunatley things happened both good and bad and we are unable to go.....but do you know what?....I have never ever had such peace within myself....never felt like I truly belong somewere untill we made the decision to stay put....to some we have failed!..........To me I have won....Why?......because it feels right.....but whho says we all have to feel this way...some people feel like wanderers the whole of their lives..never feeling that it is just right....chill...who says it has to feel like this