LilMunkiKat

Hi all

First post for me so forgive me if I ramble.

Moved to Savannah, GA with my husband and six year old daughter in September. He works for SCAD as a professor and is on an J1 visa (with my self on a J2) and my daughter is in kindergarten (feels like she’s being held back as she has been in UK school since she was 3and a half).

We came with the idea of it being an amazing opportunity for his career and potentially great colleges and opportunities for our daughter when she’s older. But Im really missing the UK and family. I haven’t told my family because they sort of weren’t too impressed when we told them that we were moving to the US and we were told all of the horror stories etc. In fact the day of my husbands interview, the Uvalde school shooting occurred and that didn’t help the comments from them, or my internal alarm bells. I don’t know if it all stems from then, but I’ve just not felt right since I’ve been here.

ive tried finding groups and meeting people, but there doesn’t seem to be much where I live. I seem to spend my time wandering around Dante’s layers of hell AKA Walmart or other stores. I just feel a bit lost and unsure as to what I’m doing here.

I’ve told my husband and he seems to think I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t know how much harder to try. I’ve travelled all over the UK with him for his jobs and I’m feeling like this is the one which broke the camels back. Am I being dramatic? Is this feeing normal for the spouses who are unable to work because of their visa type? I just feel lost and alone.

Pulaski

For starters home sickness isn't just a "pull yourself together", or "try harder" issue, and it is very unfair if your husband has said that, or even implied it. That said it sounds to me like you're suffering from a combination of loneliness and boredom, so then it becomes a matter of finding something you can do, which for a trailing spouse typically means permitted volunteering, but might even include getting yourself a visa ... for example do you have experience that might support a working J-1 of your own? .... I had a neighbor who arrived on a trailing spouse H-4, but through on-the-ground networking and interviews was able to get herself an H-1B job.

lizzyq

Arriving as a trailing spouse can be hard, I've been there. Do you have any hobbies that can be done in a group? Even before I move to the US I was a quilter and joined the local quilting group pretty quickly, I also joined the ladies daytime tenpin bowling league and both those activities gave me social contact independent of my husband or my teenaged sons who were in high school here. If there is a games shop near you (board games, role playing etc) why not give that a go? You might like it and again a different thing to do.

Our local university has a women's welcome group aimed at trailing academic spouses too. The university sports facilities are usually open to spouses too. Can you take any classes at the university as a spouse - that is a common benefit. Volunteer at a charity - animal shelter, food bank or something that gets you mixing with people. Volunteer at your daughter's school?

Also let you husband know how you are feeling, see if he can ask in his department for any advice. Go to any departmental social events that are open to spouses as that way you have a chance to get to know other spouses too,

All the best and I hope the ex-pat blues lift for you.

Nutmegger

I second everything that lizzyq says. Do you like books? Here is a series of library programs I found in Savannah:
https://libcal.liveoakpl.org/calenda...ct=39341&inc=0

Love animals? Here are some animal rescue organizations (when I moved to my current town, I made good friends by joining in the effort to fundraise for a new pound):

https://coastalpetrescue.org/get-involved/

https://www.humanesocietysav.org/

Good luck finding something that works for you!

robtuck

My wife hasn't worked in the 6 years we have been here, BUT, she joined a Humane Society and has done far more actual work, which in turn was far more rewarding, than anything she has done prior. Look for such opportunities, if they are up your alley - they come with all sorts of roles/needs, the vast majority of which never cross into the murky world of "is it really work which would normally be paid for?". You can do as many or as few hours as you can manage - so it can keep you very busy and also serves as a way of meeting people. You can likely also help with fundraising events which cause you to get out an about.

We are in Georgia as well, although much closer to Atlanta, and the County run school systems will always feel a bit behind. You can look at Charter schools, although many are religious in nature (which may or may not be an issue).

Lion in Winter

This is all very understandable. Not only have you moved to a new place, you are living with a huge culture shift. When people haven't lived in the US it's easy for them to think that it's culturally similar to the UK, just with a different accent, because English is spoken. It isn't the same - AT ALL. It can take time and careful attention to understand how Americans tick and how they form relationships. In the meantime, you are left with major cultural dislocation made worse by the fact that you aren't really aware it exists. If you moved to Japan, you would be very aware of the differences as would your husband. The US is just as "foreign". In fact, I have felt more foreign in the US than in many other countries. It will take time to settle and see how you feel then. Do follow some of the suggestions though, and stay out of Walmart!

robtuck

Yeah, find a Publix at least.

Pulaski

I have long thought that what opinion someone, as an immigrant, holds about the US is indicative of how well they will settle and integrate in the US, or even if they can settle. My view is that the UK and US are fairly similar, with differences in a lot of important details.

However if you hold the view that the differences are huge and difficult to manage, then that is how you will find them, but if you are able to shrug them off as mere details, then they become a lot easier to deal with, and less stressful.

Don't get me wrong, there are many differences, but I think of the US as like one of those dreams where you wake up in a world where every seems familiar but is just different enough to be disturbing.

Gordon Barlow

What we used to do, and I recommend you give it a try, is go away for weekends. To a different town or national park or similar, staying at motels.

USADragon

I've made several very large moves and, without exception, have found it takes at least 6 months to feel close to settled. Each move was progressively worse. I took an indirect route to the American south and it was a bit less of a culture shock. I joined Beta Sigma Phi (a non academic sorority) in Canada and although it seemed a bit weird to me a first with their rituals, I found lifelong friends there.When I moved to the US, I transferred to another chapter and that made my move seamless https://bspinternational.org/Prospec...tive_memb.html Volunteering at the school and/or joining the PTA is also a good way to make friends. One place is not necessarily better or worse than another, just different. Try not to focus too much on the big differences like schooling (which does seem to even out in the end). I also find I'm less homesick when I'm hanging out with the locals than when I'm with other expats. It's much easier for your husband because he's basically just transferred his life as it was to a different place, whereas yours has been completely transformed by lack of working opportunity. Keep looking for ways to meet people - do you have a local Mom's facebook page? Perhaps you could ask if anyone wants to meet up with kids of similar age? Look for a quilters guild and go for a visit. Do you have a community pool that opens in the spring? Kids have a way of introducing you to new friends sometimes. It's a bit of a choice sometimes - you have to decide that you're going to make it work, you're going to like it, and give it your best shot. Best of luck!

Sg2022

Hi, I’ve lived in the US before and had same feeling, trailing wife on visa, birthing to two girls with no family around was isolating, can work but would rather be stay at home with the little ones... And so we decided to return to UK for friends and family support which I think we expected but not really offered so now wanting to return to US all over again… So I say maybe return to the UK for a visit and remind yourself why you wanted to be in the US, and being in the UK will also remind you why you wanted to leave in the first place. 😊 Hugs to you!

Pulaski

We did that quite a bit when we lived in New York, when I hated my job, Mrs P couldn't find steady work, and we couldn't find a home to buy that we liked. .... But coming home on a Sunday evening just seemed to amplify how unhappy we were, and that there was another slog through 5 days of work to the next weekend.
??? I have never stayed in a motel that I "liked". At best I find them tolerable, but we make a point of only booking accomodation with "inward facing" room doors whenever possible, as the old-fashioned outward facing motel style buildings are generally old and tired looking, with poor heat/AC control - they are necessarily poorly insulated with that door directly to the outside, Of the ones I have stayed in, the newest appear to date from the 1980's, even if they have been refurbished at some point. But these days there are a lot of hotels in the US that have been built in the past 20 years, such that even a modern 2* hotel is far superior to any motel with external doors.

Or does "motel" mean something different to you?

robin1234

I used to love the old “mom & pop” motels. If you were lucky, there was a real 1960s “Route 66” vibe, you could sit outside the door on your plastic chair and watch the semi trucks roar past as you drank your cheap wine out of a plastic cup.

But, I’ve come to appreciate the good quality mattresses and the excellent coffee/free breakfasts at the modern mid-price chain hotels. And, it’s not as if the Bide-a-Wee Motor Inn (circa 1955) is any cheaper than the Comfort Inn & Suites.

robtuck

I imagine there is a risk a trip back cements the homesickness, but my experience was very similar to this. By virtue of the major airlines not offering one way tickets at any sort of reduced rate, usually higher than a return, we had a return flight 7 months after our arrival. It was on this visit that we experience the UK as a visitor for the first time and it was quite an experience. It may have only been 7 months but it really did reinforce many of the things we had hoped to gain from our move to the USA

Since then, we have turned many of our trips back to the UK into proper tourist style ones, mixed in with the desire to see family and friends. I had never been to Scotland until one of our trips back for example. Not sure if that mindset has helped or not but I don't really miss England, just the people I know. That said, while I may have lived all 41 years in the same Town (Swindon), I have lived in 16 houses in that time. Never really seen the walls I live within as a home so much as a house.

I quite enjoy life here, and I'd enjoy it just as much in the UK.

ddsrph

One thing in your favor is you are in a nice part of the country with great weather and many outdoor activities available. In addition to the volunteer work previously mentioned would you qualify for free or reduced tuition at your husband’s university? Get a masters or another degree in a different area of interest or just take some classes to engage and meet people.