A first..after 25 years here.
 

Today we went to a funeral of a very dear friend we have had since we first moved here 25 years ago.

It was the first time we had been to a funeral here, which I guess is a good thing. Obviously it was an emotional experience but I was surprised how laid back and celebrating it was. The service was in the small Catholic Church in our little town and then everyone gathered in the cemetery which was so informal, very much a family party type atmosphere.

Jeans and cowboy hats were worn by most of the male mourners, and jeans and boots by the females. We actually felt very overdressed:D

It was a sad occasion but was also not as overwhelming tearful as most funerals we have attended.

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

I've been to 3 funerals since I've been here, and they have all been the same....very little crying, very 'in control'. The brother of the deceased at the last one gave a 25 minute eulogy, and the way he delivered you'd have thought he was a couple of connections removed. It turned out later that he used to be a nuclear sub commander, and ended up as CinC of the pacific submarine fleet, so I guess his high military background gave some confidence and discipline to his delivery.

The thing that has surprised me is how poor the hymn singing has been! I don't go to church here, but used to when we were kids, and occasionally later as my uncle "down south" was the organist and used to drag us along when we visited. The singing was always quite rousing - probably because he would occasionally stop in the middle of a hymn and harangue the congregation if he felt they weren't trying! But here, the singing was very lackluster...almost as if they weren't used to it, which was a surprise given how many people profess to being churchgoers. The other thing that hit me was that at each of them, at least one hymn was sung while sitting down, which I don't think I've ever done before. Quite uncomfortable, really, and not conducive to belting out a good hymn!

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

It is events such as these that bring out the unspoken programming we've had to assume how things should be done. First funeral I went to I had to make sure they understood the person they were celebrating was in fact deceased. :blink: I was so conditioned to the morose, melancholy process we had experienced back home that I was squirming at this celebrate life theory. Was a new twist on grieving but I did get to understand that it delivers some comfort and hope for those dealing with the loss. Don't know which is better to be honest. Simple things like saying the Lord's Prayer and having some of the wording altered bothered me. :lol: The next thing was weddings. To me, it should always be the wedding march meeting the bride as she walked down the aisle, but this particular one was "Another one bites the dust" with a religious service following that! Okay......:confused: Worst was wedding cake looking like wedding cake but it is either vanilla sponge cake or chocolate with the required cake plant on the bride and groom's face. Now I actually hate fruit cake but it was a given that revolting cake was necessary for these occasions. :lol:

My condolences.

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

As with every other funeral I have been to, the priest at the US one had no more 'answers' than anyone else. I guess the believers must have drawn some comfort, but oh dear. Then he tried to persuade non-regulars to give it a try the next Sunday.

My condolences also.

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

Condolences :(

I think the weirdest funeral I went to was the OH's grand father.

We couldn't go to the wake for some reason or other and the funeral was about 4 months later, because they couldn't bury him at the time, ground was to hard to dig and the family plot, no room for a back hoe.

Very weird sense of disconnect as he'd been dead for so long at that point.

A lot of folks get kept on ice as it were out in the boonies up there though, unless they're getting buried in larger places

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

Sorry you've lost your dear friend. When that happens one loses a precious and irreplaceable part of oneself. And it hurts. A lot - as I'm sure you know too well.
Condolences, Sugarmooma

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

We are in such a small community that almost the whole town turned out for either the viewing, the funeral service or the burial. And the singing was very rousing, the family were catholic, the service was in their church but a good amount of the congregation were from the local Baptist church (our friend was loved by one and all) so they were probably being competitive in their hymn singing:lol:

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

Thank you.

This friend and his lovely wife were our rock when times were tough. They are the kind of people that will always find a way to help and not expect anything in return.

The last year had not been good, his kidneys were failing and he needed a pacemaker.
He was admitted to hospital in January and sadly his problems got worse, his leg became gangreous and he had pneumonia. He passed away in hospital early Thursday morning:(

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

I've only been to 2 "funerals" here. First was a workmates father, but we, me and 2 other workmates, went to the wake only. Open coffin wake, which I had not been to before. The other was a dear friend's father. It was a memorial service after the father had been cremated. There was one hymn/psalm and a couple of readings and a eulogy/this was his life type of thing. I've not been to any burials here.

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

That's good...I'm not religious, but I do like a good singsong! If I was going to be anything, I think I'd be a baptist...they seem to have more fun...certainly more than the Methodists, which is what my lot were. I like that the community got involved....I think that is getting lost these days, or maybe it's just that for the last couple of decades I've been living in more transient communities that don't really develop the same.

Sounds like he had a good send off, and now it sounds like the community will rally round to help the widow. That's how it should be. We're doing the same with my mates wife I mentioned earlier, but it's not quite the same, because now that her real family have scattered back to all corners of the US, it's her local friends that she's only known for 4 or 5 years that are her support network. Trying to think of the comedian on blue collar that does a sketch about small town funerals and how everyone cooks for the survivor......"sorry to hear about your husband...heres a plate of beans"......

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

She is a super strong lady but even so the community will rally, and she has kids, grandkids and a lot of other family in the area plus her red-headed stepkids... we are 2 of many that she has "adopted"

I agree about the food thing. Everyone donated a dish, poor love will be eating unknown casseroles for months from now:lol:

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

Hope not - lest they inadvertently kill the poor widow thru food poisoning.

Also hope - the irony/black humour isn't put of place - it's only meant in the spirit of making the unbearably sad ever so tolerable...so don't take it amiss, SM

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

Sorry for your loss. :(

My Iranian husband experienced his first funeral in the USA 3 weeks after he arrived in 2004...my mom passed away. She was religious and had a casket with viewing, and my brother in law gave a Christian eulogy. But everyone was pretty controlled, crying but not very loudly, and then a few people shared stories of mom, some of which were funny so lightened the mood. Sadegh was amazed at how quiet the whole thing was. In Iran, there is A LOT of wailing and carrying on...it's a very LOUD affair.

Then 2 years later my dad passed away. He was not religious, and he never wanted a big deal made of his passing, and he also wanted to be cremated, so no casket. On the day they were going to put his urn in the vault with mom's casket, we held a very small gathering of about 10 people. It really was more of a celebration of dad's life, which is what he would have wanted...we played marching band music (he was in the Coast Guard band for 25 years), and each of us read a quote that my dad had either written or saved over the years, and shared their memories of him. My dad was very jolly so we all were laughing a lot more than crying. Again Sadegh was amazed at how "fun" this was, rather than sad. He said he prefers our way, it's less stressful and he likes the idea of honoring the deceased life instead of mourning their death.

Edit to Add: My dad's sense of humor was great. He always warned mom that he wanted to be "on top of her" even after death (to which she would roll her eyes and shake her head). Since mom passed away first, her casket was put up in the vault first. On the day they were putting dad's urn of ashes into the vault where mom's casket was, they first set the urn to the side of the casket. My sister and I looked at each other and then at the same time say "excuse me, is there enough room to put the urn on TOP of the casket?" Yes, there was, and after some weird looks from the workers there, they obliged. So Dad, you got your wish. Sorry Mom. LOL

Rene

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

That's interesting, Rene. My Mum's sister recently died and Mum seemed most concerned that she shouldn't cry or appear upset. I couldn't really understand why she felt ashamed to do that. But then as you say, maybe better to celebrate the good things.

Re: A first..after 25 years here.
 

I think one should just do what feels right...whether it's crying or smiling. :)

Rene