JAMZ

I emigrated with my husband (originally from Belfast) and 3 month daughter in 94 to California. I have tried very hard to fit in, but never felt settled. Husband has electrical business and loves it here, hates England! We now have 3 kids ages 14, 11 & 8 and all I can think about is being back home with my family and friends. My life was good in England, and a lot more exciting than it is here, but my husband really wanted to move to States. I have tried to settle and keep telling myself that I have such a wonderful life, nice house in a beautiful setting, big car, sun shine, but none of that makes up for not being where my heart is. I have been told to get a job and earn enough money to travel, but that just isn't the same. I actually find visiting just unsettling - 3 or 4 weeks of running around trying to see everyone, buying all the things I can't get in States and cramming them in my suitcase and then at the end having the tears & saying Goodbye. It's Hell! So now I feel that if I am going to go back home, I better do it now before my kids get any older. My 14 year old is already saying she doesn't know if she wants to go. My husband refuses to go and tells me that if I go I will have to do it alone! Although he understands my problem (he never got over leaving Ireland), he feels it is a better life here and does not want to start his business all over again (he is 49).
Help me. What should I do? Quoting the words from the Clash "Should I Stay or Should I go now?, If I Stay there will be trouble & if I go there will be double" Just a bit of humor there! Actually I feel like I'm going insane!

quoll

Gosh Jamz, a dilemma indeed! Would you be prepared to ditch your DH? I know I am in the wrong place even after 29 years here and have a DH who wont go home to live (he's an Aussie so he is alright Jack!) but seeing as I have had him for nearly 35 years I dont fancy trading him in for a new model - they are just too hard to train up. Bottom line for me is that the people make my life, not the place so basically I suck it up and count down the days to my next trip home (78!!!!!!!). Yes, the visits home do make it harder in some ways but without them the resentment and loathing for the place I live in would be all consuming and heavens knows then what would happen to my marriage.

Only you are going to know what is best for you and yours! There are quite a few like me who have decided that the OH in our lives are worth the battle and others who have walked away from relationships in order to find their own happiness - I am sure neither path is easy.

{{{hugs}}} and hope that you can arrive at some sort of compromise position which suits you both!

JAMZ

Thanks for your thoughts.
I am considering leaving him, but truthfully I love him, even though it makes me so mad that he is fighting me on this. We will have been married 20 years next summer and I too, don't want to trade him in. He is a good man and hard working and I can't see me being on my own, but if I stay I think I will resent him and I will always be thinking 'What if'. So I also wonder if I should be doing this for myself (as selfish as that sounds).

Confused1

I moved over to California in 1993 - and at the time had no children. For years I thought pretty much the same as you. Now I have 2 children, and can honestly say that I think I would rather bring them up here rather than in the UK. I can give them a better start in life here, that start including spending more time with them.
You mentioned that you had a great life back in the 90's but that was before you had your children, and before the numerous changes that the UK has undergone over the past 14 years or so.
Back in 1994, if I had children, I would have loved to bring them up in the UK, but not now. Things have changed. My sisters have children in the UK and listening to them makes me believe it is better that I stay here.
The problem I had was that I missed my friends alot, so what I did was try and work on that aspect of my life here - I'm still working at that, but it is going pretty well.
I wish you luck in your decision.
Where do you live by the way - whereabouts in CA?

JAMZ

I understand what you say, although some of the things I see in my daughters middle school makes me cringe. In the 14 years we have been here there has been a lot of changes and a lot more gang violence. I know its not great there too, but I do miss the feeling of belonging. My mum died very suddenly 10 years ago and I don't think I have ever felt right about being here since. My Dad is 78 now and I wish I could be closer to him now more than ever. You can't turn back time, once their gone it is too late!
I live in Sonoma. Its very beautiful here, but a bit too quite for me to live.

chicagojlo

A lot of people miss the life they had, but going back doesnt mean they will get that life back. It sounds to me as though you have never really let go of what you had and embraced what you do have.

Sally Redux

Would breaking up your family really get the result you desire?

chicagojlo

Next time you go back try this - don't run around trying to see everyone, tell them when you'll be there and where you'll be staying and see how much effort they all make to rush around to see you. It will probably be a big eye-opener for you.
Forget cramming your suitcase full with all the things you 'can't get' and see how much you miss not having them once you're back.

Pugsy

Losing a parent, however long ago, is extremely traumatic, sometimes more so if you are absent -a painful mix of both grief and guilt. It can make you feel more unsettled, homesick and long to be reunited with your remaining parent.

But the last poster's comments are spot on. Because we're the one's who've moved away, we have that picture in our minds eye of what we used to have, the live we had. But it's not the same when we go back, everyone's lives have moved on, new friendsips, new relationships. Do they think of us as much as we think of them? Would it be the same? How many years does mum or dad have left? How would we feel if they were both gone?Perhaps we have accustomed to our new lives, new lifestyle, new weather, but just haven't realised it yet.

Howabout a compromise, more time spent with Dad in CA or longer hols. in the UK - but just pack some tissues and accept there will be tears. I appreciate your husband's and older child's view on this, but equally it sounds like you need to explore certain things. Maybe even (radical I know), hire an aupair for a month or two and you take off for some me-time in the UK. (If you don't rush around and just chill and do what you would normally if you lived there, perhaps the novelty might wear thin. Perhaps Dad will get on your nerves (just kidding!).

Dan725

Great advice

scbrit

If you love your hubby and obviously love your children, what do you feel is best for you all as a family? The kids are at tough ages to move.

britvic

I wish I knew just how to do just that.

chicagojlo

I think it's a mental state - simply resolving to accept that the life you once had is gone and then concentrating on the one you have now. I think my previous advice about not being the one to make all the effort to keep in touch with everyone, and not surrounding yourself with constant reminders of what you miss would go a long way to doing that. You have to let reality actually kick in before you can start to accept it.

The consequences of what the OP is suggesting are huge, divorcing a man she loves, splitting her kids up, etc. I don't know if it's realistic of her to assume that what she is longing for will be there when she gets back, and by then the damage will be done.

britvic

I made my choice at the time and now have to think about two other people in my life and whats right for them.

chicagojlo

I'm not a believer in sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of others if it means you make their lives miserable anyway. Nobody wins then. And in life it shouldn't be about who wins and who loses - everyone should win. If that means everyone compromises then so be it.