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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jul 22nd 2005, 6:02 am
  #1231  
 
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I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you ****ing moron?"
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Old Jul 22nd 2005, 3:42 pm
  #1232  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

The Baby Photographer...


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ...of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

" Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your... um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long.......Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's
fainted....!"
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Old Jul 23rd 2005, 4:10 pm
  #1233  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Gentile joke No.1: A man goes into a menswear shop and sees a jacket he likes so he says to the assistant, "That’s a lovely jacket - how much is it?"

The assistant replies, "It's £300, sir."

The man says, "OK, I'll take it."
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Old Jul 23rd 2005, 4:35 pm
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Monkeyrillas
Gentile joke No.1: A man goes into a menswear shop and sees a jacket he likes so he says to the assistant, "That’s a lovely jacket - how much is it?"

The assistant replies, "It's £300, sir."

The man says, "OK, I'll take it."
A securicor van is parked in the alleyway next to a local branch of Barclays bank to pick up the weeks money for deposit at headquarters. The guard is just putting in the last bag of dosh when he hears a noise behind him. He looks back down the alley and sees an elephant charging towards him, so he thinks "sod this!" and jumps into the back of the van, shutting the doors behind him. As he screams at the driver to drive off, there is a huge crash, the doors are smashed to bits, and the guard, just before being knocked unconscious sees the elephant picking up the loot in its trunk before legging it.
When the police arrive to interview the guard, they ask himn to describe what happened.The conversation went something like this:
Plod - "Can you describe what happened sir?"
Guard - "Well, i was just putting the last of the money bags in the back of the van when i heard a noise behind me. I turned around and saw an elephant charging towards me. I jumped in the back of the van and shut the doors. The next thing, the doors are ripped apart, and just before i passed out with shock, the elephant grabbed all the money with its trunk and legged it"
Plod - "Can you describe the elephant sir?"
Guard - " What do you mean can i describe it - a huge grey thing with tusks and a trunk!!!"
Plod - "Well sir, was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
Guard - "How the hell do i know? Whats the difference?"
Plod - " Did it have big ears or little ears, sir"
Guard - "F*** knows - it had a stocking on its head"
Plod - "OK sir, that'll be all"
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Old Jul 23rd 2005, 11:52 pm
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

After a long and happy life, Angus MacDonald died. His widow called the local paper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state, "Angus is dead." The newspaper editor told her that death notices had to be a minimum of six words. "Fine," she replied. "Make it: 'Angus is dead; Volvo for sale.'"
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Old Jul 23rd 2005, 11:59 pm
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There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 3:10 am
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 3:32 am
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Lynne
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
Mitcham mate? Lived in Beddington Lane as a kid...
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 6:18 am
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The Deaf Parents

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behaviour and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl.
The boy then says "Your Dad leans your Mum over the couch and does her from behind.
He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.'
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easy," she explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, **** you. I'm watching the match.
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 10:34 am
  #1240  
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SKY sports are screening the very first ever Origami Championships tonight live from Tokyo... unfortunately it's only available on paper view.
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 10:39 am
  #1241  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

JACK was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large.
"I told her 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.'
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."




WHAT do you call a boxer who has had a curry?
Gaseous Clay.




Kid comes home from school one afternoon with a sofa on his back. He dumps it in the hallway and moans he's in pain.
His mum has a real go at him and screams: "What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers?!"
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 10:47 am
  #1242  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A MAN standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said: "Hello!"

Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologised.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself: "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked: "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's school teacher!"
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 12:55 pm
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Gruff, I lived in Glebe Court until 1979.

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 8:44 pm
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

So Much For Cybersex

Online computer users may engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through internet phone lines get pretty raunchy However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does.................

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK...sure.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo, and there are candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know...breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What??

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!! Yeeeee!!!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Taking off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on your...ummm..... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK ?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now, I'm putting it back in the cabinet, and now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so = badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked = bodies pressing against each other

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby !

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet, I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now ?

Wellhung: I've just realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my.... you know... thing...in your...you know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I have a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my butt back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No, wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain in on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire. Oh noooooo!!
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Old Jul 25th 2005, 8:57 pm
  #1245  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Covenant
So Much For Cybersex
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart.
Wellhung certainly is a better name in this case than Wellstanding......
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