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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

fillyjane Sep 24th 2004 5:31 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but
unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over
to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She
stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her
car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead
rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned,
waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did
you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It
said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Deadmeat Sep 24th 2004 10:53 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in." - Tommy Cooper

Bob Sep 24th 2004 4:05 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Deadmeat
Tommy Cooper

Nothing beats the classics :)

Deadmeat Sep 24th 2004 6:16 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Bob
Nothing beats the classics :)

Another one from a comic genius -

"I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists." - Spike Milligan

Toontje Sep 24th 2004 8:18 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
I was driving my truck through this village with a hugh hospital for the mentally disabled. Quite a crowd of them were waiting on the sidewalk. When I passed them, suddenly a chicken decided to cross the road. To avoid hitting one of the loonies I had to overrun the chicken. I pulled over, got out of my truck and asked one of the lunatics if that chicken over there was one of theirs. He took a close look at it, turned back to me and said: No, we don't have chickens that flat.....

Bob Sep 25th 2004 11:00 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

cresta57 Sep 26th 2004 12:36 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is
dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put
his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The
vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with
a with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its peak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped
down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he
handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried."$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."

Bob Sep 26th 2004 2:01 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cresta57
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."

Hehe..nice :)

cresta57 Sep 26th 2004 2:47 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger
seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have
cruise control."

As the officer writes out thet ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75f ine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that Ic ould get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking."

kath n kim Sep 27th 2004 11:22 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
:D One for you,

Australian, Brit, and Kiwi going for a boys night out. Lets call them
Bruce, Kelvin and Troy. At the end of the night they decide to go to
the most expensive nightclub in town.

The manager on the door says, "I'm feeling generous tonight, if the total of
your penises add up to 12" then you can go in for free and drink as much as
you like for free too"

So they plonk them all on the table and he get his tape measure. Kelvin's is
6", Bruce's is 4" and as luck would have it, Troy has 2".

As they are drinking all the expensive free booze they have a discussion on
how lucky they are.

Kelvin says; "good job I had 6" or we would be paying for all this"

Bruce says: ""good job I had 4" or we would be paying for all this"

And the Kiwi says:" Good job I had a hard on.................."

Well I thought it was quite amusing.

Bob Sep 28th 2004 8:09 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Bought My Wife

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It All the Time

FORD
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

kath n kim Sep 29th 2004 12:41 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
I love this thread, keeps me giggling, so here's my contribution t'day!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks
>interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists.. two men
>and a woman.
>
> For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large Metal
>door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
>instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will
>find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!
>
> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
>The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
>wife and go home."
>
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
>into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
>out
>with tears in his eyes. "I tried,but I can't kill my wife." The agent
>said,
>"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill
>her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
>one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
>
> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman.
>
> She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
>blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
>
> Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!!!!! :scared:
>

Bob Sep 29th 2004 4:42 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free-style, breast stroke, even the butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River." :scared:

Deadmeat Sep 29th 2004 5:12 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars
before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling
around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the
bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began
to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The
puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.

Bob Sep 29th 2004 5:50 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Deadmeat

The driver replied, Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.

Hehe...heard that one before, great cheesy one that :D


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