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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

Bob Sep 20th 2004 4:57 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by JulesandChris
Polar bear replies...
"At these prices I not ****ing surprised!"

That's a good 'ne too :)

Bob Sep 20th 2004 4:59 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Kendonakasaki
They did indeed get the holiday.

Tha's awesome :)

DIMO8 Sep 20th 2004 5:36 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves desperate for a wee.
As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.
Thier task continued they continue to stagger home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!" :p

DIMO8 Sep 20th 2004 5:50 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
THE FEMINISTS ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE...........

There are three blonde men stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them just one wish.

The first blonde asked to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.

The fairy turns him into a woman..........and she walks off across the bridge.

LOL LOL :p

Bob Sep 20th 2004 9:30 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by DIMO8
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!" :p

Superb :)

Bob Sep 21st 2004 6:53 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

gedge Sep 21st 2004 10:31 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Little Jimmy is sitting at school, and his teacher is asking the children to make sentances using a word she gives to them.
Teach - "Jimmy. Give me a sentence using the word contagious".
Jimmy - "Errr, ummm ...
our next door neighbour is painting his fence. My dad said that he should use a bigger brush, cos otherwise it would take the old cuntages"

Bob Sep 21st 2004 10:44 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive",she said.
"Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow
job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Bob Sep 23rd 2004 5:59 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that Far!

Bob Sep 23rd 2004 5:59 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Deep Thoughts............

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Bob Sep 24th 2004 4:54 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Quick Wit!!!!
There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would step out On her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell "Praise the Lord."
One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord." Yet, the little old lady continued. One cold,wintry day, when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said, "Help me Lord,I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no more food." The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week. "Praise the Lord," she yelled. The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said "There is no Lord ! Ha- ha- ha! I bought those groceries!"
(Hold on...the ending is pretty good!)
The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said, "Praise the Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!"

Bob Sep 24th 2004 4:55 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and niticed that her husband isn't in bed anymore.
She gets up and goes down to check out where he is. She finds him staring at the wall, tears in his eyes.
She askes: "what's going on, darling?"
After a while he answers: " Do you remember the first time we had sex in the back of my car and your father caught us?"
"Yes !" she answers. "Do you remember the fact that he putted a barrel of a gun in my mouth and said : Or you marry my daughter or you go to prison for at least 20 years !!!"
"Yes, I still remember" answers his wife, emotioned by his romantic memories.
"Well" he says, " today I would have been free... "

gedge Sep 24th 2004 5:27 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Bill and Mary, an elderly couple, visit the doctor for an annual checkup.
Bill goes in first. Doc asks "How's it going Bill?"
Bill - "Well Doc, life's good. I'm happy and healthy, and what's more, the good Lord is looking after me."
Doc - "That's great Bill. Tell me how the good Lord looks after you?"
Bill - "Well as an example, when I get up to go pee in the night, the lord switches the light on for me."
Doc - "Well that's something I never heard of before."

Next Mary goes in to see the Doc.
Doc asks "How are you Mary?"
Mary - "I'm very well doctor. I'm happy and healthy."
Doc - "That's good to hear Mary. And tell me this. Is the good Lord looking after you too?"
Mary - "I don't understand. What do you mean."
Doc - "Well Bill tells me that god switches the lights on for him when he goes to the toilet in the night."
Mary - "Oh no. He's been pissing in the fridge again."

fillyjane Sep 24th 2004 5:29 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out

of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send

me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out

and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down

from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde -- it'll be

important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My blonde co-worker started following me and the Boss asked where

she was going.

>

>

>

>

>

>

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

fillyjane Sep 24th 2004 5:30 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.


When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after
you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry....How soon
can I go home?"


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