...what are you going to do if you get old/frail/partner dies while you are living in Spain?

What plans/forward planning have people made?

Discussion welcomed!

When my OH was told that he was probably about to die on the operating table he told me that he wished that he had received a years warning so that he could sort things out and get me back to the UK. I was taken aback that he had decided that I should automatically return if he died and asked him his reasoning on this. He said that the UK is where he thought that I would want to be and that that is where I would have support. I explained to him that if I returned to the UK I would be moving to an area that I had not lived in for 20 years so would have to begin again whereas in Spain I have a solid group of people who would support me.

That was nearly 2 years ago and he has discovered that I was totally right about the support I would receive, in fact this has been far, far more than I could have ever dreamed of.

He says that if I died he would sell the house and move into a flat but would remain in Spain.

We are in our 60´s, not thought through what we will be likely to be doing in our 80´s but think that we would still be in Spain, in the town that we have chosen. Probably by then we would have moved into a ground floor place because our house has 57 stairs from street level to roof and this would become impossible.

Rosemary

Think a lot depends on location and if you are happy with the place. Frequently you find that one half of a couple like Spain more than the other. Most do tend to go back to the UK. Knew 2 women who stayed. One did go back eventually but she was 82 and had a serious heart operation. Another was 57 when her Husband died suddenly. She had never driven a car, dealt with the finances and her family in the UK pleaded with her to come home. She didn't want to as she said all her friends were there. In no time at all she had learnt to drive and coping.

Main considerations would be things like steps, lugging gas bottles around, isolation if in the campo.

I don't think you can ever really be sure what you will do until it actually happens, but up to now I don't think either of us would choose to return to the UK.

We are already thinking that in around 5 years' time we will put our present house on the market and move to somewhere with easier access (if we can sell it!) - our house is not accessible by car and whilst it's no problem to us now to carry our shopping home, etc. I do sometimes worry about what would happen if one of us was taken ill suddenly or developed some kind of disability. I would rather move when we are still physically fit rather than wait until a problem actually developed. We will not buy again, but rent, for reasons which have been discussed in other threads.

Yes Lynn we would not buy again but rent purely because that would make it easier for the family to deal with when we die.

Rosemary

I've known surviving partners who have gone back and others who have stayed, probably in equal numbers; but there are no deciding factors to guide the rest of us because we are all different.

I've got an individual example living close to me. When his wife died two years ago, after 45 years of happy marriage, he was lost and distraught. His initial plan was to sell up and return home to be near to children and grandchildren.

To help him decide, on his own, he bought a motor scooter, loaded it up with a few belongings and took off across Europe with his little dog travelling with him. He returned after a month, none the wiser.

Some four months later, he married a local woman, local to Spain. He has transformed his house and garden, lost four stones in weight, and looks happier than ever before. And healthier.

How nice to read of someone finding happiness again after a much-loved partner has died.

I think it is always better to take some time after things such as bereavement or relationship break-up to let things properly sink in and give yourself time to adjust, rather than making a snap decision which you may later regret, or feeling that because you've always said "if so and so happens, I would do x" when you may feel differently from the way you expected to.

First off, no-one knows how they would feel come the day. My personal view is that after the death of a partner, you should stay where you are for a full year. That gives you the distance and time for you to see how you really feel.

Funnily enough we were talking about this only yesterday, and this was the conclusion we came to.

You shouldn't live your life as a preparation for the last few years of your life.

You should endeavour to be happy here and now. By all means have a simple plan to cope with the problems. If you can't drive when you are old, there are taxis, or you can ask a neighbour to take you somewhere, paying them instead of the taxi.

You can't move back to the UK and rely on family, because they may not always be willing or able to help you.

I'm happy where I am, and have no desire to move away when I get old. The thought of ending up in an old people's home in the UK fills me with abject horror.

There is a sequel, which I personally find very sad. When his first wife died, he fixed up a searchlight in his garden which shone on the top of a tall palm tree. He said it was the xxxxxxxx light, his first wife's name and that it would never go out. I think it's what kept him in Spain, at first.

A month after he remarried, the light was switched off. Ever since, I've been meaning to ask him to switch it back on, including this morning when I spoke to him. I know it's none of my business, but . . .

Maybe in the back of his mind it's still on.....

I think older people are more likely to move back to the UK not because of the death of a partner, but long term health problems.

People who have to cope with a partner who has dementia, motor neurone desease etc, conditions with mobility problems, or conditions where the partner cannot cope with the demands of the patient.

Extra help in everyday living, which is not readily available in Spain.

Good point. Dementia is an evil affliction.

Thanks all for the interesting replies.

As you proably know, our move was never intended to be permanent and in fact we have now sold and are (hopefully) moving back. However, while we were still in Spain full-time, we discussed this.

We decided that our mountain village, whilst lovely, was no place for a frail older person with health problems and limited mobility who did not have family support. We never had any intention of growing old and frail there (or anywhere else in Spain) if we were in a position where we needed help with everyday things . Your neighbours might help with shopping and small stuff but they are not going to help if you need your £r$e wiping or are suffering from dementia, you could not expect them to.

If one of us had died. We discussed that. If one of us had died whilst we were still fit and healthy, I would have been back to the UK like a shot. I would need my family and friends and support network. My husband wasn't so sure and said he might stay in Spain, but would return to the UK eventually.

I also do not fancy being in a Care Home in the UK, but I fancy being in one in Spain (different language and customs, no family around) even less.

Seems like I am in a minority of one here!

Hope there are some more comments!

I don't think you are in a minority, talks cheap until it comes to the crunch. My Hairdressers Father lived in Fuengirola for over 20 years. He had a stroke and was sent home when stable. Lost the use of his legs amongst other things. They had an apartment on the 3rd floor with no lift! There was no follow up, no aftercare or advice. They put the apartment on sale but he died before they could return to the UK. Another living alone was ill, had problems breathing. We took him to Urgencías. They kept him on oxygen all day and when they thought his blood test was OK they called us at 11pm at night to collect him. No-one cared to check that his accommodation was suitable (he could scarcely walk). OH picked him up in torrential rain, his urbanisation had about 30 steps to the front door. He died 3 weeks later...alone.

An interesting point.

We considered this and looked at the care homes nearby in spain some are international with english being the common language. Far cheaper and much better standard than some of the God's waiting room type establishments in the UK.