Are we selfish
Oct 5th 2009, 2:51 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
Oct 5th 2009, 2:55 pm
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Cochrane, Alberta
Posts: 7,861
Re: Are we selfish
Congrats on your lengthy marriage - I'm always impressed by the big numbers
Oct 5th 2009, 3:12 pm
#3
Happy in my bubble
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Rochdale LANCASHIRE
Posts: 4,538
Re: Are we selfish
No you are not being selfish at all - you are entitled to you time now - me and my hubby are in our early 40s - our lads are grown up now (21, 23 and 24) but are still at home - my dad also lives with us to - so if i was in your position of having a home in Spain yes i would be doing it too - as you say its only a flight away - go for it hun - you only live once so enjoy it - live is to short 
Oct 5th 2009, 3:12 pm
#4
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Joined: Apr 2007
Location: Surrey, UK and Monte Gordo
Posts: 327
Re: Are we selfish
Are you an on-hand baby sitting service? Perhaps that's what they are worried about.
For my tuppence worth - enjoy the time you have together (we have been married a similar time) the way you want to. You won't get a second chance. And be home for Christmas and Special family events.
Wish you all good fortune.
Oct 5th 2009, 3:18 pm
#5
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Joined: Jul 2006
Location: up the mountain near Guadalest
Posts: 1,389
Re: Are we selfish
We only last week celebrated 36 years of marriage and have lived in Spain for nearly three years leaving our only son behind in England aged 30. At the end of the day we were there for him as he was growing up and starting out in life but at the end of the day no-one knows what is around the corner and now it is our turn to do the things that makes us happy. Yes we all miss each other terribly but talk every other day on the phone and when he comes to see us we spend quality time rather than flying visits. It works for us (less so for him - reckons he is now an orphan!!!
Oct 5th 2009, 3:35 pm
#6
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Posts: 614
Re: Are we selfish
Almost everyone I know and like would take it as an opportunity, not a disservice to have relatives in Spain that they could visit.
Oct 5th 2009, 3:50 pm
#7
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Joined: Aug 2008
Location: Orihuela Costa
Posts: 107
Re: Are we selfish
And if they decided they would be better off in Australia or elsewhere they'd be gone without a second thought. Enjoy your remaining years doing what is right for you, as you said, you're only a couple of hours away in an emergency.
Oct 5th 2009, 3:53 pm
#8
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2009
Location: Alicante province
Posts: 5,753
Re: Are we selfish
We escaped to Spain 12 years ago by which time the children were all grown up with families of their own, but we still had some pangs of conscience and still have them now. Honestly, but a bit harshly, we don't miss all that babysitting we've missed out on over the past 12 years, and I can see some members hunched over their keyboards right now to tick me off.
The youngest daughter and youngest grandson were over this summer, they come every year, and we love them staying for the two weeks or so. They want to come for much longer next year, but it would clash with other visits from children and their grandchildren, and you can't please them all, so we ration the visits and try to leave a gap between them.
Why the gaps between the visits from loved ones? We need the gaps to recharge our batteries and restore our sanity.
Of course I feel selfish at times, especially when a panic stricken phone call or email arrives, always in the middle of the night, that we could better deal with if we were back in the UK. But we've had 12 smashing years in Spain and we're not going to live for ever.
The youngest daughter and youngest grandson were over this summer, they come every year, and we love them staying for the two weeks or so. They want to come for much longer next year, but it would clash with other visits from children and their grandchildren, and you can't please them all, so we ration the visits and try to leave a gap between them.
Why the gaps between the visits from loved ones? We need the gaps to recharge our batteries and restore our sanity.
Of course I feel selfish at times, especially when a panic stricken phone call or email arrives, always in the middle of the night, that we could better deal with if we were back in the UK. But we've had 12 smashing years in Spain and we're not going to live for ever.
Oct 5th 2009, 5:46 pm
#9
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Joined: May 2009
Location: Shetland/Granada Province and orginally the right side of the border.
Posts: 235
Re: Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
We are also in our 50's married 34 years, house in Spain,Uk etc. Our daughters, 2 of them 17 and 12. (and before anybody jumps in about bad parents - we love them both to bits) The oldest one is in Uni, and only thinks we are being selfish, when she thinks she is missing something. My attitude - TOUGH - Life is to short (we lost our parents 43,44,64,70) so enjoy every minute you can. The kids will get over it!
Good luck to you both for the next 40+ years.
Oct 5th 2009, 8:02 pm
#10
Ex Expat
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: West Midlands, ex Granada province
Posts: 2,140
Re: Are we selfish
We have just celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. We went to Spain five years ago when our son was 24 and we were 54 and 55. Like the OP, we have a house in each country. Our son lives in our UK one with a lodger.
No you are not being selfish. It is now your time together. You can be back to the UK very quickly if necessary and in actual fact I think it is your children being selfish for trying to stop you.
Just go for it and enjoy it. Your children will soon be enjoying all their holidays in Spain!
No you are not being selfish. It is now your time together. You can be back to the UK very quickly if necessary and in actual fact I think it is your children being selfish for trying to stop you.
Just go for it and enjoy it. Your children will soon be enjoying all their holidays in Spain!
Oct 5th 2009, 9:58 pm
#11
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Joined: Oct 2008
Location: near Colmenar, Prov de Malaga
Posts: 5,174
Re: Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
2. You are 50 and have a long and still happy marriage. Let's hope your kids recognise how lucky they are not only to have a family still together, but parents wanting to spend time with each other rather than rowing or whatever else.
3. You know, from family life history, that your time together may be cruelly cut short (dramatic but true for any/all of us)
NO you are not being selfish, and nor are they - they just don't want to lose you. As long as they recognise they're not, and nor are their kids (your no doubt much loved grandchildren) all should eventually pan out fine.
All the very best & I wish more of us could say what you've said about your relationship.
Oct 5th 2009, 10:57 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2009
Location: Alacant
Posts: 170
Re: Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
Of course you're not being selfish. The fact you're even thinking about being selfish just goes to prove how much you're still putting your family first, before your own important needs.
Do you know what the underlying issues might be with your children? I guess 'you're being selfish' is just an easy way to wrap up something that's a whole lot harder to come out and say. Maybe they're genuinely worried about you, or that their own family will be missing a set of grandparents?
Finding that out (you may already suspect) - and yes it might be down to babysitting fees - it going to move you one step closer to solving this and getting back to Spain.
And you do need to get back to Spain - you guys deserve it!
Oct 6th 2009, 8:15 am
#13
Concierge
Joined: May 2006
Location: ex ex-pat, in Taunton
Posts: 27,205
Re: Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
Oct 6th 2009, 8:32 am
#14
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2008
Location: Sayalonga
Posts: 256
Re: Are we selfish
My wife and I are lucky to have a home in Spain and a home in the Uk. We tend to spend spring and summer in Spain and autumn and winter in the Uk. We are both 50 years old and have been married 30 years with four daughters all grown up married with children of there own.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
My wife and I would like to spend more time in Spain and less in the Uk, unfortunately our daughters think we are being selfish and dont like the idea much, We are still and always have been very much in love and enjoy each others company.
Both sets of our parents died quite young 57,64,65,66, The way we see it is we spent the first 20 years growing up the 2nd twenty years bringing our children up and would like to spend the next 20 years with each other, its not as if we cant go back within a day if they have problems. comments invited are we being selfish.
Not selfish at all. There comes a point where the children have to stand on their own two feet and you can start to enjoy life together.
We did the exact same thing 4 months ago by moving to our place in Spain full time. Although they didn't want us to go the children have coped fine without us being there on demand Let's face it it's not a long trip and airfares are cheap enough. We could have moved to somewhere in the UK, not that we considered it which involved more traveling time than coming over here.
In the four months we have been here all three of our kids have been out to stay and of course it's easy enough to get back to the UK to visit as we did this weekend. In fact Frances is there for a couple more days getting maximum grandchild time :-)
Go for it. There comes a point when you have to get your life back and enjoy it together.
Oct 6th 2009, 10:30 am
#15
Banned
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Alhaurin de la Torre, Malaga Province
Posts: 704
Re: Are we selfish
In my opinion, they're being selfish not you! God forbid, my grown up daughters ever have the neck to tell my husband and I what we can and cant do!!!
However, the nice thing about their attitude is that they want you near them and their families cos they must love you!!??
Jo xxx
However, the nice thing about their attitude is that they want you near them and their families cos they must love you!!??
Jo xxx