Sam Greenfield

Hi all - thought this was really funny - soz if you seen it before.
Love Sam

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small Marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several Minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Sam Greenfield

Hi again - never underestimate a senior citizen
Love Sam

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.
The old man stared.
Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Lionda

Oh fantastic Sam LOVE THEM !!! You have just made me and hubby laugh so much we have tears in our eyes

Sam Greenfield

Hi Lionda and hubby
Glad you liked them - i thought they were pretty funny too - and again if youve read this - sorry.
Thanks and take care
Sam

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Sam Greenfield

This one had me in stitches - this is the type of mistake i would make - oops.
Love Sam

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

Lionda

Hey Sam - what is green and hangs on trees in the jungle

This is hubby asking this one.

Sam Greenfield

Hi Lionda
Dare i ask - go on whats green and hangs on trees in the jungle???

silverchick

Lionda

Ok Sam - and this is hubby NOT ME OK ,,,,,,,,,,,,,Gorrilla snot

Sam Greenfield

Lionda's hubby - OMG - what are you like - that was terrible

Lionda

I told him it was a silly joke but he wanted me to type it He's got worse ones than that