Rosemary

I do not know whether it was an era thing or a northern thing but the whole family of any deceased went to the funeral, I suppose there must have been exceptions but normally that is what happened. I do not ever remember a child having a problem with it, perhaps being taught and singing Ilkley moor bar tat in my junior school put a sense of realism into death. (Revolting song.)

Graham

Rosemary

I agree with Bil, if possible give him the option it is not always a good idea to stop him if he may really want to go, if he does not care then there is no problem.

Graham

jimenato

Rosemary

When my mother died my children were 6, 12 and 16. I talked to them all about attending the funeral but they all knew that their gran did not like children at funerals so opted to go to school instead. Earlier in the same year our very good friend who taught at the older twos school had died aged 29. The funeral was at the other end of the country so we did not take the children but we held a memorial service for him and I think the vast majority of the children from the school went.

Rosemary

The4BellsLondon

I was v close to my maternal grandparents, my grandad a died wheOn my daughter was 4 months, she came to the funeral. In fact it was like having my grandad there as they looked similar! Also a gurgling happy baby can take the tension out of a stressful day.

My nan died when my daughter was just over 3. She had been I'll for a while and in a nursing home and then hospice, my daughter. came with me most days to visit and saw her GG get idle and iller, she was at the hospice when she died but not in the room , and it was a natural progression for her to come to the funeral.

( in fact she was with me when I sat with my grandad and he died, but she was so young. . . .)

As both my kids have got older, they have always had the option to go to any funerals, they usually have come .
Again it was nice to have a happy child around telling people that GG was up n the sky watching us all and loving the flowers! I did choke up tho when the curtains shut and she said so matter of factly, by Nanny, have fun with grandad now ......

fionamw

It's that progression of youth, growing, older family members, death, etc that I think is something healthy to aspire to. I've just got some uncertainties not least because his dad is so anti, and doing something this fundamental against his wishes won't be good for the dynamic between the three of us.
Flip side - she was my mother and if neither of them are there I'll be with my other two children, sure, but the only other male figure for me will be my ex. He's been really supportive both of my mother in my absence in Spain, but also since she died. It's a bu&&er really.

bil

If his father is dead against it and the child is ambivalent, why force the issue?

fionamw

No force required or intended. My mother my children but only 2 of the 3 will (probably) be there. Just a bit ambivalent myself. Case of can't do right for doing wrong I think.

bil

Just choose the path that causes the least grief.

Rosemary

No matter what happens there will be regrets from someone, there nearly always is, we are human beings so cannot always tick all of the boxes for all of the people.

One huge thing against children being at funerals is the fact that the adults have to "be there" for the children so may not actually give themselves the opportunity to grieve in the way that they might wish to. Adults who hold back on their feelings for whatever reason have a harder time letting go later and can have a complicated grief process.

When I was 9 or 10 the lady next door to us died and her children who were 12 and 8 went to the funeral. Their father was very careful not to break down in front of them (the strong silent type), the 12 year old boy ran away from home the night after the funeral because he said that his father did not care about his mum dying, so he probably did not care whether they were alive or dead either.

Do you really want your son to be there, does he want to be there, do you want your partner to be there, does your partner want to be there, what will the others at the funeral think if they are not there, what will they think if they are there? So many questions that are probably already going around and around your head, and no answers are appearing to you because you are finding it too hard to think clearly.

A very difficult time.

Rosemary

fionamw

I saw this and thought - yes this is the absolute answer.
Then I thought 'but what's wrong with grief'. Muddled thinking. Mine, that is!

Thanks everyone. Stuff to cogitate.

Mitzyboy

Because, as I said earlier and which was ignored, when you are older you may well regret not being able to have "said goodbye" in the proper manner. It hasn't had a dramatic effect on my life in any way, but I wish I had been allowed to attend the funeral, and had that memory

Rosemary

It seems like the denial of choice is a big factor for many children who have either had to go to a funeral and did not want to or not being allowed to go. If you had been given the choice at the time you may have decided that you did not want to go, whereas because they gave you no choice you wish that you had gone.

Funerals are as much part of our passage through life as weddings etc and yet they are avoided whenever possible, also death is not discussed properly by many families, good old British stiff upper lip may play a part in this.

Many countries and religions make a huge issue out of the funeral and people are allowed to openly show their grief, this is far helthier than hiding feelings.
I do not know why death and funerals are seen as so bad, it is part of lifes experiences so is normal and natural.

Rosemary

bil

Maybe I am different. My uncle, and an aunt, (not married to each other) died, and because of one reason or another I hadn't seen them just before the end. one because I didn't realise how ill he was, and the other because I could no longer bear to see what she had become.

That's what I regretted always, that ability to see them before they went. The fact that I attended the funerals meant nothing by comparison, and couldn't erase the hurt.

Mitzyboy

Well, I think maybe it's different with parents