Children at funerals
 

What is custom and practice ref children and funerals in Spain? I'm asking more to prompt a debate if poss about children and funerals in general... I have a family one to organise and can't make up my mind if my 9 year old should go or not. Would you think it depends who the person is? Or no way either way? or of course?

Re: Children at funerals
 

Every case is different because the children are different, the deceased will be different .... in short, it's down to you, I'm afraid.

If he is mature enough to cope with it and expresses a wish to go, if the child was close, wants to 'say goodbye' fine, if not why should they go?

Re: Children at funerals
 

Personal experience.
When I was ten my Gran died, it was the really old fashioned laid in open coffin in the front room type of funeral. I had no problem with saying goodbye to her even though she was by far my favourite Gran. So at ten I saw my first dead body, kissed and said goodbye to her, attended her burial and look back with very fond memories of her. I would guess that it has to depend on many variables, maybe I am wrong but the feeling I have is that children today are more shielded than when I was young and death then was more a part of life.
I am glad that I said goodbye.

Graham

Re: Children at funerals
 

I don't think it is Spain, more on family\personal preference, closeness to deceased, whichever way you look at it the worst memory will be having been left somewhere while you did the deed, the best memory will be having been present to say good buy. aged 9 is a very impressionable age.

this is a difficult one and at the end of the day a decision you and your family will have to make and stand by. dependent on ages if appropriate a joint family decision will help.

my condolences and best wishes

Dom

Re: Children at funerals
 

I grew up in a family whereby women and children did not go to funerals, they had to stay in the house. I personally think that this was by way of avoidance of one of the facts of life that we all have to face. My mother never went to a funeral in her life and avoided people who had lost someone, it was not so much that she did not know what to say to them but almost as though she was afraid. Anyway I trained as a bereavement counsellor and know that there is not really a right or wrong way regarding children, it very much depends on the child themselves. Some will accept what is happening in a matter of fact way and others will not know what to think and this could then cause them difficulties. When my grandfather died I was 11 and not allowed to go to the funeral and I think that this affected me for many years as I could not accept that he had gone, probably due to the fact that I had not been given the chance to experience this aspect of a key event in my life. Protecting children from pain is one thing but hiding it and not allowing them the outlet of normal grief is harmful.

I went to a funeral here last year and the great-grandson of the person was there, he looked very confused by all of the weeping and wailing that was occurring but apart from that he coped very well, he was 9 at the time.

Obviously everyone has their own take on how much children need to experience and how much any individual child can cope but if they learn to accept that not all events in life are happy and that sometimes it is alright to be sad they will be more complete people.

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

A perfect summary of all my current quandaries. Right this minute he's in our pool (yes, I am listening for silence.....!) with a couple of friends and they were just discussing who of all their older family members are left. That suggests to me it should be part of his life experiences.... but then again I'm not totally sure. :(

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was 8 when my father died. I was shielded from the whole thing and sent away immediately to stay with friends.

I remember my weeks holiday more than I remember my father's death and don't ever feel that I was left out of something.

Obviously it is a personal decision but I really don't think that young children will gain anything from the experience.

Re: Children at funerals
 

I forgot to make clear I do obviously recognise only we can make the decision, but I thought throwing it out for debate could bring up, or emphasise, some factor we hadn't considered or felt unimportant; plus it's something many of us might have to consider - and those that have already had to, have the experience to pass on!

Re: Children at funerals
 

As far as I can recall, I've never seen young children at any funeral I've attended. I only once had to make a decision concerning my own children when they were young, and I decided that they should not attend.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Question. Which would upset him more? Going or not going? I'd ask him, and see how he felt about things.

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was that age when my grandmother, who I was very close to, died, and I was very upset that I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. That wasn't one where there was an open coffin, though - to this day I still haven't wanted to see anyone after their death, although I was at my mother's bedside when she died. I would rather remember them as they were.

Personally I find cremations more creepy than burials, I hate the bit where the curtains open and the coffin slides away.

Re: Children at funerals
 

My mother died when I was 6. My father wouldnt take me to the funeral apparently. I regret that. I think if iot is a close relative then the child should be given the opportunity ... as it is for me, it's been a regret all of my life as I have no recollection of "saying goodbye".

Re: Children at funerals
 

I have no intention of having a "proper" funeral.

My remains will be cremated within 24 hours and afterwards we will have a huge party where the ashes will be scattered on my 75 rose bushes.

Nice and simple and you are all invited!

Re: Children at funerals
 

not Spain.
I recently took my 5 year old to her great-grandmothers funeral. She just got a bit bored. I am not sure what detrimental affects might occur from attending a funeral for most children.

Re: Children at funerals
 

This will be hard to explain and seem bizarre to read, but I don't like that bit either, yet when discussing/organising my mother's cremation (her wishes) with the funeral director I just knew that I needed a 'ok blub now' moment. That will be when the (music chosen) starts when the curtains cross and you hear the belt take the casket away.
As I explained this contradictory wish, the funeral director pointed out that the casket is not actually taken immediately to the cremator. I hadn't realised that. Still want the 'blub moment', though. :(