Children at funerals
 

What is custom and practice ref children and funerals in Spain? I'm asking more to prompt a debate if poss about children and funerals in general... I have a family one to organise and can't make up my mind if my 9 year old should go or not. Would you think it depends who the person is? Or no way either way? or of course?

Re: Children at funerals
 

Every case is different because the children are different, the deceased will be different .... in short, it's down to you, I'm afraid.

If he is mature enough to cope with it and expresses a wish to go, if the child was close, wants to 'say goodbye' fine, if not why should they go?

Re: Children at funerals
 

Personal experience.
When I was ten my Gran died, it was the really old fashioned laid in open coffin in the front room type of funeral. I had no problem with saying goodbye to her even though she was by far my favourite Gran. So at ten I saw my first dead body, kissed and said goodbye to her, attended her burial and look back with very fond memories of her. I would guess that it has to depend on many variables, maybe I am wrong but the feeling I have is that children today are more shielded than when I was young and death then was more a part of life.
I am glad that I said goodbye.

Graham

Re: Children at funerals
 

I don't think it is Spain, more on family\personal preference, closeness to deceased, whichever way you look at it the worst memory will be having been left somewhere while you did the deed, the best memory will be having been present to say good buy. aged 9 is a very impressionable age.

this is a difficult one and at the end of the day a decision you and your family will have to make and stand by. dependent on ages if appropriate a joint family decision will help.

my condolences and best wishes

Dom

Re: Children at funerals
 

I grew up in a family whereby women and children did not go to funerals, they had to stay in the house. I personally think that this was by way of avoidance of one of the facts of life that we all have to face. My mother never went to a funeral in her life and avoided people who had lost someone, it was not so much that she did not know what to say to them but almost as though she was afraid. Anyway I trained as a bereavement counsellor and know that there is not really a right or wrong way regarding children, it very much depends on the child themselves. Some will accept what is happening in a matter of fact way and others will not know what to think and this could then cause them difficulties. When my grandfather died I was 11 and not allowed to go to the funeral and I think that this affected me for many years as I could not accept that he had gone, probably due to the fact that I had not been given the chance to experience this aspect of a key event in my life. Protecting children from pain is one thing but hiding it and not allowing them the outlet of normal grief is harmful.

I went to a funeral here last year and the great-grandson of the person was there, he looked very confused by all of the weeping and wailing that was occurring but apart from that he coped very well, he was 9 at the time.

Obviously everyone has their own take on how much children need to experience and how much any individual child can cope but if they learn to accept that not all events in life are happy and that sometimes it is alright to be sad they will be more complete people.

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

A perfect summary of all my current quandaries. Right this minute he's in our pool (yes, I am listening for silence.....!) with a couple of friends and they were just discussing who of all their older family members are left. That suggests to me it should be part of his life experiences.... but then again I'm not totally sure. :(

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was 8 when my father died. I was shielded from the whole thing and sent away immediately to stay with friends.

I remember my weeks holiday more than I remember my father's death and don't ever feel that I was left out of something.

Obviously it is a personal decision but I really don't think that young children will gain anything from the experience.

Re: Children at funerals
 

I forgot to make clear I do obviously recognise only we can make the decision, but I thought throwing it out for debate could bring up, or emphasise, some factor we hadn't considered or felt unimportant; plus it's something many of us might have to consider - and those that have already had to, have the experience to pass on!

Re: Children at funerals
 

As far as I can recall, I've never seen young children at any funeral I've attended. I only once had to make a decision concerning my own children when they were young, and I decided that they should not attend.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Question. Which would upset him more? Going or not going? I'd ask him, and see how he felt about things.

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was that age when my grandmother, who I was very close to, died, and I was very upset that I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. That wasn't one where there was an open coffin, though - to this day I still haven't wanted to see anyone after their death, although I was at my mother's bedside when she died. I would rather remember them as they were.

Personally I find cremations more creepy than burials, I hate the bit where the curtains open and the coffin slides away.

Re: Children at funerals
 

My mother died when I was 6. My father wouldnt take me to the funeral apparently. I regret that. I think if iot is a close relative then the child should be given the opportunity ... as it is for me, it's been a regret all of my life as I have no recollection of "saying goodbye".

Re: Children at funerals
 

I have no intention of having a "proper" funeral.

My remains will be cremated within 24 hours and afterwards we will have a huge party where the ashes will be scattered on my 75 rose bushes.

Nice and simple and you are all invited!

Re: Children at funerals
 

not Spain.
I recently took my 5 year old to her great-grandmothers funeral. She just got a bit bored. I am not sure what detrimental affects might occur from attending a funeral for most children.

Re: Children at funerals
 

This will be hard to explain and seem bizarre to read, but I don't like that bit either, yet when discussing/organising my mother's cremation (her wishes) with the funeral director I just knew that I needed a 'ok blub now' moment. That will be when the (music chosen) starts when the curtains cross and you hear the belt take the casket away.
As I explained this contradictory wish, the funeral director pointed out that the casket is not actually taken immediately to the cremator. I hadn't realised that. Still want the 'blub moment', though. :(

Re: Children at funerals
 

I do not know whether it was an era thing or a northern thing but the whole family of any deceased went to the funeral, I suppose there must have been exceptions but normally that is what happened. I do not ever remember a child having a problem with it, perhaps being taught and singing Ilkley moor bar tat in my junior school put a sense of realism into death. (Revolting song.)

Graham

Re: Children at funerals
 

I agree with Bil, if possible give him the option it is not always a good idea to stop him if he may really want to go, if he does not care then there is no problem.

Graham

Re: Children at funerals
 

:confused:

:blink:

:unsure:

:)

:rofl:

Re: Children at funerals
 

When my mother died my children were 6, 12 and 16. I talked to them all about attending the funeral but they all knew that their gran did not like children at funerals so opted to go to school instead. Earlier in the same year our very good friend who taught at the older twos school had died aged 29. The funeral was at the other end of the country so we did not take the children but we held a memorial service for him and I think the vast majority of the children from the school went.

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was v close to my maternal grandparents, my grandad a died wheOn my daughter was 4 months, she came to the funeral. In fact it was like having my grandad there as they looked similar! Also a gurgling happy baby can take the tension out of a stressful day.

My nan died when my daughter was just over 3. She had been I'll for a while and in a nursing home and then hospice, my daughter. came with me most days to visit and saw her GG get idle and iller, she was at the hospice when she died but not in the room , and it was a natural progression for her to come to the funeral.

( in fact she was with me when I sat with my grandad and he died, but she was so young. . . .)

As both my kids have got older, they have always had the option to go to any funerals, they usually have come .
Again it was nice to have a happy child around telling people that GG was up n the sky watching us all and loving the flowers! I did choke up tho when the curtains shut and she said so matter of factly, by Nanny, have fun with grandad now ......:(

Re: Children at funerals
 

It's that progression of youth, growing, older family members, death, etc that I think is something healthy to aspire to. I've just got some uncertainties not least because his dad is so anti, and doing something this fundamental against his wishes won't be good for the dynamic between the three of us.
Flip side - she was my mother and if neither of them are there I'll be with my other two children, sure, but the only other male figure for me will be my ex. He's been really supportive both of my mother in my absence in Spain, but also since she died. It's a bu&&er really.

Re: Children at funerals
 

If his father is dead against it and the child is ambivalent, why force the issue?

Re: Children at funerals
 

No force required or intended. My mother my children but only 2 of the 3 will (probably) be there. Just a bit ambivalent myself. Case of can't do right for doing wrong I think.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Just choose the path that causes the least grief.

Re: Children at funerals
 

No matter what happens there will be regrets from someone, there nearly always is, we are human beings so cannot always tick all of the boxes for all of the people.

One huge thing against children being at funerals is the fact that the adults have to "be there" for the children so may not actually give themselves the opportunity to grieve in the way that they might wish to. Adults who hold back on their feelings for whatever reason have a harder time letting go later and can have a complicated grief process.

When I was 9 or 10 the lady next door to us died and her children who were 12 and 8 went to the funeral. Their father was very careful not to break down in front of them (the strong silent type), the 12 year old boy ran away from home the night after the funeral because he said that his father did not care about his mum dying, so he probably did not care whether they were alive or dead either.

Do you really want your son to be there, does he want to be there, do you want your partner to be there, does your partner want to be there, what will the others at the funeral think if they are not there, what will they think if they are there? So many questions that are probably already going around and around your head, and no answers are appearing to you because you are finding it too hard to think clearly.

A very difficult time.

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

I saw this and thought - yes this is the absolute answer.
Then I thought 'but what's wrong with grief'. Muddled thinking. Mine, that is!

Thanks everyone. Stuff to cogitate.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Because, as I said earlier and which was ignored, when you are older you may well regret not being able to have "said goodbye" in the proper manner. It hasn't had a dramatic effect on my life in any way, but I wish I had been allowed to attend the funeral, and had that memory

Re: Children at funerals
 

It seems like the denial of choice is a big factor for many children who have either had to go to a funeral and did not want to or not being allowed to go. If you had been given the choice at the time you may have decided that you did not want to go, whereas because they gave you no choice you wish that you had gone.

Funerals are as much part of our passage through life as weddings etc and yet they are avoided whenever possible, also death is not discussed properly by many families, good old British stiff upper lip may play a part in this.

Many countries and religions make a huge issue out of the funeral and people are allowed to openly show their grief, this is far helthier than hiding feelings.
I do not know why death and funerals are seen as so bad, it is part of lifes experiences so is normal and natural.

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

Maybe I am different. My uncle, and an aunt, (not married to each other) died, and because of one reason or another I hadn't seen them just before the end. one because I didn't realise how ill he was, and the other because I could no longer bear to see what she had become.

That's what I regretted always, that ability to see them before they went. The fact that I attended the funerals meant nothing by comparison, and couldn't erase the hurt.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Well, I think maybe it's different with parents

Re: Children at funerals
 

I was about 9 when my father died. I think at that age I wasn't aware of what was happening. I wasn't taken to the funeral or told exactly what was happening until after he was cremated and scattered.

In all honesty I don't know if that affected me or not.

Different children feel different things in a variety of ways.

Re: Children at funerals
 

We had a friend die last year, from cancer. He was staying with us for the last few months and our children (11, 11 and 13 at the time) always went down to visit him.

When he finally passed away, we asked our children if they wanted to pay their respects at the funeral. We had been to a funeral in Spain previously so I tried to explain that things were (generally) done somewhat differently here.

They all asked to attend!

What shocked me most, and I thought it would perhaps upset our children, was that the body was prepared and then put 'on display' for all to pay respects to. Seeing him lying there was quite a shock for me. Anyway, the children were great and very respectful.

When it came time for the cremation, we went into the room set aside for 'speeches' and there he was, laid out again but this time in the open.

Once again the children were fine.

All I can say is that I have never been more proud of our children and the way they behaved that day. They have not been affected by the proceedings nor did they upset any of the other mourners.

All-in-all, they believe (as I do) that they did the right thing in attending the funeral of a close friend.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Snikpoh, Can I ask you about the cremation because I have been given to understand that when a cremation is requested that the undertakers deal with it and tell you when it is over. However, it seems that you had a different experience, with the mourners being involved. Could you tell me how it went on practical terms?

Rosemary

Re: Children at funerals
 

Hi Rosemary,

We asked the undertaker to take care of all the arrangements. Firstly he organised that the body be prepared - this including asking if the deceased had a favourite after shave! Anyway, we were then asked to come to the tanatoria (spelling?), where he was laid out behind glass. We had our own private room where we could all meet and pass on our condolences etc. Just before we were due to leave for the crematorium, his wife was asked if she wanted to say a personal goodbye. She was taken behind the glass to say goodbye (hence the after shave) - she later said how fantastic it was to see him 'looking so well' and 'smelling' like she remembered.

We all then followed the hearse to the crematorium (some 40Km away as, surprisingly, there aren't that many in the Valencia region - we had a closer one in Javea but that's in Alicante apparently).

At the crem, we all filed into the 'chapel' and, to our surprise, there he was in an open coffin for all to see. A few words were said, tears shed and then the lid was placed on the coffin. We were then ushered into a room behind the chapel. Behind glass we watched as the coffin was put into the 'oven' and the burners turned on - nothing like in UK where it's done behind curtains etc.

And that was it. A week later the undertaker called to say that the ashes were ready to be picked up along with the necessary paperwork (which they had prepared with the town hall etc), and, the remaining after shave!

It was so well organised - everyone was very happy with the proceedings, despite it being so different to the UK format.

And the price -

Re: Children at funerals
 

Really:ohmy: ? We had a bit of a hiccup yesterday because we'd chosen a lovely willow casket to suit my mother's environmental beliefs (I know, I know, burial is more environmentally friendly than cremation but cremation was another belief...) then the funeral director realised she'd overlooked that the crematorium can't do willow/bamboo/etc any later than 10.40 in the morning - we'd chosen an early after lunch slot - because they have to be cremated early in the day. Only because I asked, she did explain why. Details here: Oh, and apparently it's a fallacy that the caskets 'go in' as the curtains close, it could be any time up until the end of the crematorium's working day.... so maybe even a few hours. Not sure if that made me more comfortable, or less. There's always seemed something so final about that curtain-shutting moment.:(
Mind you, I suppose different crematoriums might have different systems....

Re: Children at funerals
 

That sounds like an experience - for you.

as we get older we tend to forget what it was like when we were kids, used to open the door to people we didn't know but knew us or stuffed into the back room when everyone came to the house and used to prepare and layout snacks etc for when they all came back from the funeral.

such experiences can have a profound effect on the child in later life. being treated as an adult even at quite young ages and allowed to attend is important.

Sorry, I would draw the line at crying babies.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Of course they do, but the problem is you wont know how they view it until later in their life.

Re: Children at funerals
 

So true. I am a great believer in treating children as adults (assuming they have the maturity) but then being there in case they have questions etc.

Re: Children at funerals
 

Eeeewwww. don't fancy that much. If anything happens to the OH I think we will skip that bit and just go straight on to the boiled ham tea. At least there's no shortage of ham, this being Spain!

Re: Children at funerals
 

Thanks for the invite, any idea when it will be, I would not want it to clash with an important sporting event that I would need to buy advance tickets for.;)

Thanks in advance. JL