julius smith

just been reading with much amusement the thread by burton-brunch about telling the family you are leaving for canada!
well, burton-brunch and others; let me tell you, what you have gone through is nothing compared to what me and my family have gone through and ARE going through right NOW as we speak!
you virtaully all know me now by my rantings on this forum and what happened with our plans, but i am ashamed to admit it now that it was not only my nostalgia, the kids education etc that got us back to the uk--it was my parents sticking the oar in!
they had well known that i had applied for immigration, but for some reason probably thought that i would never go, until the day i got the immigration and i announced that i was going!
after that, all hell broke loose--one of my relatives got word and he came around to give me a lamblasting about "parents always come first" and you should not be dumping them like this!
anyway, the day came when i had got a job in canada, came back to collect the family, and suddenly everyone was miserable as sh.t and would not talk to any of us!
gone was all the laughter and jokes--instead ugly faces abounded!
but what transpired next was the worst thing--my parents actually rang up another of my relatives who lives in canada and gave him the sob story about being dumped etc, and he came round to our place in canada and had a blazing row with us for leaving the parents alone!
fast forward to the present time--we are back now as we did not think it was worth it taking the flak from siblings/relatives now and if somethng were to happen to the parents, but what have we come back to?
the most miserable faces, no-one talks to us, we just walk around the house with nothing to say to them, if we sit down to say something or generally talk, they get up and move to the next room, or just dont say anything!
it's as if we comitted some cardinal sin by moving and they wont have anything to do with us, even though we have given up the chance to better our lives.
obviously, we are made to feel the guily ones as our kids are not babies and they too watch what is happening in the house everyday, so maybe the kids are also thinking what kind of parents do we have?
many times we catch my parents trying to sweeten the kids up to themselves, thereby casting us, their real parents, as the baddies.
this manipulation goes on day in, day out!
we feel so guilty. what have we done wrong, we keep thinking? did we do wrong by trying to move and better ourselves? and what kind of parent prevents and puts all known obstacles in front of his child to stop him/her from improving their lot?
we feel we are now condemned to sit it out with the parents here till they pass away, god forbid, because they have made it clear they are not moving, and if i sell the house (i had a special annexe built for them years ago) and go, my siblings/relatives will be ready to shower us with crap and guilt trips about dumping the parents (funny how THEY never offer to have the parents themselves!!) which by then will be too late for us to start again in canada.
honestly, i am not a sympathy seeker, but i just thought i would take this almighty burden off my chest today and share my feelings with all of you on this forum, as we have no-one else to sit and let off steam.
as for the future, who knows. we still have a couple of years left on our visas, but the parents do not want to come with us, so what will become of our hard-acquired immigration?

dinamarca

Your parents don't deserve you. I would have dumped mine for less ... actually have. You should not take shit from anyone, not even if it is family. Life is just too short. Follow your dream and move to Canada, leave the ingrates behind. That is what I would do.

I know this may seem harsh. However, psychological oppression can be worse than physical oppression.

chinnybloke

Our situation is similar but no where near as bad as yours. We moved to Scotland (Aberdeenshire) and were going to go via SW to Canada. Whilst collecting all docs, my wife became pregnant with our first baby. Instantly we got "you cant go to Canada now" from all sides.

During the pregnancy we looked at the NSNP and were seriously considering it. Then after huge guilt trips being put on us, we decided to move back to the Midlands to be closer to family so they could all see our daughter. Hmmmm, thats worked out well......NOT!

We went on a family holiday to the Algarve with my side, we came back after 3 days due to the petty arguements over spliting dinner bills at restaurants and my step sister just walking off leaving her 3 year old dumped with whoever happened to be around, without her asking if we minded watching her around the pool etc.

Then we were invited on another family holiday to celebrate my dads 60th even though I had already made it 100% clear family holidays are not our thing and we wouldn't be going again after the Algarve. What do I get? 20 minutes of earache from my sister telling me what a selfish b***ard I am.

On my wifes side, before we moved back her sister was saying how we'll be sick of her as she'll always be around visiting us and our daughter. Hmmm, we've been back 9 months and she's been around twice!

Anyone who is reading this, live you own life and dont listen to others. We cant wait to (hopefully) go and we won't be listening to any of the c**p Im sure we'll be getting in the next few months about deciding to go again. My sister has already got stropy with me and called me a gypsy. She said I might as well buy a caravan then I can live where I want.

Unreal. Highly annoying and not a single person has said "oh well, it was nice you thought about us when you moved down from Scotland but we appreciate its not the life you want for you or your daughter"

Tiffin Tease

Gosh - I can't believe how you are not turning around and telling them to mind their own business. Seems to me that you have done everything humanly possible to please your parents and still it is not enough, even going so far as to build them an annexe in your house! How many other children would do that?? Ok, so all these parents and families are probably genuinely sorry to see you go and would miss you terribly but they are being very selfish - maybe they think you are running away from them and possibly even think they might have done something wrong (hence the lashing out) but there should be support.

Have you tried to talk to them about the way they feel? Why they think they can continue to manipulate you and, sorry to say, potentially damage the family relationship with their grandchildren too?

I think Chinny has it right - you got to live your own life but try talking to your family, there may be a deeper rooted reason behind thier animosity, perhaps they are scared of losing all that they know and just need some reassurances? This isn't an excuse for them and I can't understand how families can treat each other this way.

We are very lucky, on my hubbies side we've never really been particularly close but seeing as how his parents dumped him at 19 to go live in Spain they have no come back even if they were to kick up a fuss but as it happens they are supporting us full on and on my side, they are very sad for us to be going but are 100% behind us - besides, free holidays!!

I know you don't know me from Eve (I would say Adam but being a girl that could be misconstrued LOL) and I am not trying to stick my oar in but sometimes an outside view can help?? It's possible that jealousy and insecurity may be behind this but you sound like you've been there for your parents and now they should be there for you. Personally I think you should focus on your own immediate family, you, your wife and your children - you wanted to move for a reason and if that reason is still as vaild today as it was when you made the application it seems to me that you should follow your dream.

Even now you are back there is no pleasing them, and the remainder of your family seem so eager to pass the buck and allow you to take it all, so why not follow your heart and do what you think is best for your family - looks like you're going to take crap whatever you do so you might as well take it in a place where you feel you can be happy and make the best of your future.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do and I hope it all works out well for you and also for your Chinny.

SAW 04

Its not about "dumping" your parents but more about setting up a safe and secure future for yourself and family. My family were angry and distraught initially but soon came around. They now fully understand the need to look to the future and provide a safe and vibrant setting to raise our own family.

Good luck to you and I hope they will eventually see sense?

SAW 04

Rich_007

Julius,

Sounds like psychological oppression come mind control to be.

Would you take it from a friend, work colleague, manager, bloke in the street ? Guess not. Family think blood relations gives them a right to f*** with peoples heads, relationships and lives. Screw 'em, look after your family and do what makes you guys feel happy & fulfilled whilst not being unreasonable and selfish.

Life's too short to be dragged down to misery level by others. Live every day 100% and fulfil some of your dreams.

Rich.

Alberta_Rose

Julius, I've been reading your posts with interest and wondering how long it would be before you finally announced you were coming back to give Canada another shot!

I can see now why you are so torn and pulled about. I think you and Mrs Smith need to sit down with your kids and decide amongst yourselves what YOU want.
I can't remember exactly how old your kids are, but if you all think Canada is the place for you, I personally can see little merit in letting this opportunity slip by withour giving it a go. I don't think staying to finish the kids schooling is a valid reason. They can fit into schooling here at almost any level as far as I can see. Just maybe don't go back to Mississauga or whatever horrid place you chose, especially if you have family there too who are going to take it upon themselves to come round and lecture you! There are far nicer places to live anyway

If you don't act soon, you will let your PR status lapse, and they will sink more firmly into their lives in the UK and it'll make it harder and harder to move. Maybe you don't need to come to Canada. It certainly sounds like you need to get a break from your family though!

Good luck with it!

Pony

I dumped my parents years ago, but for different reasons. People seem concerned and often think I deserve pity . It was the best thing I ever did and I never looked back. I don't hate them, I pity them and feel sad they are unable to change. We do not get a choice of who our biological parents are, but that doesn't mean we have to like them. My biological family are not my real family, they consist of a sperm and egg donor LOL thats all. I made my own family and devote my time to them, why waste it on people who don't deserve it just because society tells us it is the right thing to do. Every second given to my parents is a second I could have given to my own family.

Purley

I hate to be rude about someone's family without knowing the whole story - but quite frankly they sound like the most totally selfish people I have ever heard of. Maybe Julius and Chinnybloke's parents are related!

They obviously do not give a s**t about Julius or Chinnybloke - you can tell from the things they are saying - it ALL from their point of view. Luckily I don't have family like that. I cannot understand why you are allowing yourselves to be blackmailed like that. The parents don't want you to go - not becuase of you - but becuase you look after them. T he relatives don't want you to go - becuase if you do they might have to step up to the plate and look after these co-dependant parents.

I think you should give Canada another chance - or a chance - I agree with Morwenna - try somewhere else - don't go back where your relatives are to start blackmailing you again.

Come out west - people are really friendly and only to happy to help. I helped another family and now she calls me her Canadian mother!! But I am not into pyschological blackmail!!!!!!

kt0157

Exactement. One day they will be dead and you will then be too old to emigrate. Then you'll be looking back thinking "why didn't I get on with *my* life?"

K.

julius smith

well, all i can say is reading all the positive helpful comments you have left here, i just wish my parents would say them instead!
i must admit taking the subject off my chest (or off all our chests, i should say!) has done a lot to heal us, in some perverse way!
these sentiments i have left here are not really something to be discussed on the net i know, but where else does one go to let off steam?
i know in my mind that i should not be succumbing to this emotional blackmail, but yet we sit here and take it, day in day out.
the wife and i always discuss that when our kids grow up, there's no way we're gonna say to them that they must look after us and cant go to such and such a place, because we dont want to! what kind of parents would we be to say that? we have told the kids from day one in fact that once they are grown up, we will not stop them from going anywhere--in fact we will encourage them and back them all the way, something which my parents never did.
i think i sacrificed a lot by not selling the house when we left for canada, because they would not have had a place to stay -- in a way, i could not sell out anyway as they did not want to come with us. of course, my other siblings here could have put them up, but, yes, you guessed it, no-one offered!
now that we have come back, they have given us the cold shoulder.
my wife and i just try to work out what we have done to deserve this--we offerred them the chance to come with us, they said no--now we mentioned a couple of times that we may go back in a year or 3, and they say no--???????!!!!
you would not believe it, ever since we flew back from canada to the uk, not ONCE have either parents asked myself, the wife or the kids what life was like there, how did they get on, did they make friends, what was school like, what was the weather like, nothing!
so thats what makes me wonder why we should discuss anything with them either, if thats their demeanour.
i just cant believe the first thing that they said when we got home from the airport after we had left canada --- "oh, you're back".........
no hugs, no nothing!
in a way, i myself have let it go on too long--everytime we do something or plan something, we get jumped upon by relatives/siblings saying this is wrong, that is wrong!
another thing i remember in canada was ringing my mum; she answered the phone after a long while saying she was cooking, and said in an offhand manner "huh......yes, what is it?........"!!
anyway, this is rambling on and on--maybe i can return to it later, but it just goes to show you how manipulative some parents are -- god help us!

Purley

Don't be silly!! You have done NOTHING to deserve this. It's emotional blackmail and believe me, I know what it's like!!

They are a selfish load of bast***s and they are darn lucky that you allow them to do this to you - and let them live in your house into the bargain!!!

Alberta_Rose

Oh Julius, they are not the boss of you.

I don't see how they could have come with you, even if they had wanted to, and as for them saying no you can't go, well actually they have no say in the matter.

If you discuss the matter with them at all, (and personally I'm inclined to say don't bother!), it should be to explain to them how undeserving they are of any support or affection from you when they have behaved so badly, and given you none .... worse than none!.... bu undermining your happiness. I mean, your having returned doesn't seem to have made them happy either, so why not leave them to live their miserable lives ... let the siblings take some responsibility and look after your own for a change!!

OMG I shouldn't have said all that as it's really none of my business, but I am so angry on your behalf!

DollyLlama

Life is too short. Follow your dreams and make them happen!
If you get the emotional blackmail stuff from them ignore it.
You don't want to be older and look back and think "Oh gee, i wonder what it would have been like"

Cheetah7

I have just come across your post and felt I had to reply.

I am astonished at how your family have treated you. You sound like a considerate person, others would have thought about their own finances and sold the property, but you haven't.

To be told 'No' when you mentioned going back has shocked the pants off me.

You took a decision to live in another country and try a different life for you and your family and thanks to the bullying of your siblings and parents, you moved back to please them.

It hasn't worked. You dont appear to be treated with any more respect for making such a big move, in fact they appear to treat you with utter contempt for daring to admit the life you had in the UK was not for you and you wanted to test the waters somewhere else.

You only have one life, which I have learned recently, can be cruelly snatched from you at any point.

Your parents have chosen to make your life unbearable. Your family cannot understand you wanting to try something new so they will bully you into conforming into 'their way'. It may not be your way, but that is not the point - they dont care.

So my advice to you would be from now, from this day onwards, you must think of yourself, your partner and your kids and move to the country you want to be in.

It is your house and your money - and you can rent it out or sell it. You are not being wicked for doing it, you are putting yourself and your kids first.

A free ride by living in your extension and making it hard/impossible for you to sell, along with the added stress, insults and general lack of respect shown to you is not part of the deal.

If you want to go back to Canada mate then you must do so. Learn to break free from the overpowering restraints of your family and dont let anyone take the piss out of your obvious considerate nature.

They have shown their true colours, you have made all the sacrifices and now you are existing.

They may accuse you of not loving them, but if they really truly loved you, would they hurt you in this way?

Time to pack your case, unpack your emotional baggage and let yourself leave them behind.

And how they deal with it is their problem.

The future is yours and how you live it is your choice also.

Good luck.

Karma when I can send it.

Sam