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What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Old Sep 11th 2013, 8:30 am
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Default What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

So I found this one quite hilarious :

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The pet monkey starts running about curiously eating everything he gets his hands on. He grabs a cherry and eats is, he grabs a lemon wedge and eats it, then he grabs a handful of peanuts and eats them. The bartender says, "sir, you need to control your monkey or you two are outta here." The man says, "sorry, I'll pay for all that stuff, just put it on my tab." Next thing ya know the monkey runs down to the pool table and grabs a piece of chalk and eats it and then grabs a cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender shouts at the man with the monkey and says, "that's it, y'all are outta here!!" The man apologizes and pays for the damages done by his monkey and they leave. A few weeks go by and the man with his pet monkey come back into the bar. They both sit down and the bartender tells the man that he'd better keep his monkey under control. The monkey goes apeshit again and grabs another cherry, he then sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The monkey grabs a lemon wedge, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender enraged says, "what in the hell is he doing this time??" The man replies, "ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he's been taking measurements."
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 8:37 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

The M25 and the M6 are in the pub having a pint together and they are discussing who is the hardest, toughest motorway out of the two of them. The discussion soon degenerates into an argument.
"Well, I am obviously the hardest", says the M6, "I have hundreds of thousands of cars on me everyday and I go on for miles and miles."
"That's nothing," replies the M25, "Everyday I have hundreds and thousands of cars parked on me everyday and I handle it like it was nothing."
Just as he said that, Red Tarmac walks into the pub. The M6 runs off and hides under a table. The M25 looks on, a little confused.
Red Tarmac stands at the bar and orders himself a pint. He swiftly drinks his pint and leaves. Once he has left M6 comes out from under the table.
"What was all that about?" asks the M25, "I though you were supposed to be a really hard motorway."
"I am" replies the M6, "But he's a cycle-path!"
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 8:48 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "got any duck food?"

Sentient waterfowl aside, the bartender just shakes his head and says, "nope".

The duck leaves.

The next evening, the duck comes back and asks the bartender, "got any duck food?"

Again, the bartender shakes his head and says "nuh-uh".

And again, the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back again.

The duck asks, "got any duck food?"

The bartender just shakes his head yet again and says, "nope".

You can see where I'm going with this.

Anyway, after a couple of weeks of slowly simmering irritation, the bartender finally snaps when the duck comes in, and screams at the unfortunate bird, "I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU ASK ME FOR DUCK FOOD ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I'LL NAIL YOUR GODDAMN FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

Startled, the duck leaves without saying another word.

The next evening the duck still comes in but instead asks, "got any nails?"

Mildly surprised, the bartender replies "no".

A short pause follows.

"...got any duck food?"
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 8:49 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Originally Posted by saudiflares View Post
"But he's a cycle-path!"
ha! took me 2 reads
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 9:27 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

An Irishman walks into a bar and tells the barman to give him 20 pints of Guinness, which he sinks one after the other.

Then he asks, "Do you sell shorts in here?"

And the barman points to all the optics and says "Of course we do, sir."

"That's good," replies the Irishman. "Give me a pair of those because I've just shat myself."
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 9:35 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Guy walks into a bar.

"Ouch"!
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 9:38 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Dyslexic walks into a bra
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 12:45 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 1:35 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

The bartender says, "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!"

A tachyon walks into a bar.
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 1:36 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Horse walks into a bar and the landlord asks "Why the long face?"
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 2:38 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

Originally Posted by britexpat76 View Post
Horse walks into a bar and the landlord asks "Why the long face?"
a few twists to that one :

A horse walks into a bar. Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.

A horse walks into a bar. This is apparently normal and the occupants continue celebrating the royal birth.

Horse walks into a bar and the landlord asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies that "I just lost my job"
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 3:04 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

A man walks into a bar, with an Ostrich and a cat. He orders a pint for himself , a short for the Ostrich and a half a lager for the cat. Barman asks for £9.68. The cat says "I ain't paying for that". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change and remarkably, it's the exact amount of the bill. They drink their drinks and leave.

The next day, the same thing happens. The man orders, the cat refuses to pay, the handful of change is exactly the amount of the bill.

The third day, the barmans curiosity gets the better of him, and he asked what was going on. The man told him the story ....

A few years ago, I found a bottle, polished it and out popped a genie. He gave me two wishes. My first one was that when I wanted to buy anything, I'd always have enough money.

Oh yes, says the Barman. That explains the handful of change. What did you wish for with your second wish?

A bird with long legs and a tight pussy.
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Old Sep 11th 2013, 3:55 pm
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

An elephant walks into a bar, he then exclaims, "whoa! This is a big bar!"

An Irishman, walks out of a bar..
No thats the joke!!!
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Old Sep 17th 2013, 10:12 am
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Default Re: What are you best "walks in the bar" jokes?

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash.

He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing.

By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what all the drinks are for. The guy looks up and says, "My first blowjob"

The bartender looks with a smile and says," Well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, a 7th is hardly going to help"
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