Two Cows

Old Feb 22nd 2014, 11:37 am
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Default Two Cows

Doing the rounds on Facebook at the mo- amused me.
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
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Old Feb 22nd 2014, 12:21 pm
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Old Feb 22nd 2014, 12:29 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows



Saudi

You employ Bangladeshis to milk the 2 cows.
You beat them (the Bangladeshis) if the cows don't produce enough milk , good quality milk or for whatever bloody reason.

Last edited by Boomhauer; Feb 22nd 2014 at 12:33 pm.
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 7:37 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

Saudi Arabia
You have two cows with endless reserves of milk. Gorge them with grass, prevent them from interacting with bulls, and import South Asians to milk them.

Iran
You have two cows. You interrogate them until they concede they are Zionist agents. You send their milk to southern Lebanon and Gaza, or render it into highly enriched cream. International sanctions prevent your milk from being bought on the open market.

Syria
You have five cows, one of whom is an Alawite. Feed the Alawite cow well; beat the non-Alawite cows. Use the milk to finance your wife's shopping sprees in London.

Lebanon
You have two cows. Syria claims ownership over them. You take them abroad and start successful cattle farms in Africa, Australia, and Latin America. You send the proceeds back home so your relatives can afford cosmetic surgery and Mercedes-Benzes.

Hezbollah
You have no cows. During breaks from milking on the teat of the Iranian cow you call for Israel's annihilation.

Iraq
You have three cows: one Sunni, one Shiite, and one Kurd. The first is milked by Saudi Arabia, the second by Iran, and the third smuggles its milk abroad. The United States picks up the manure.

Bahrain
You have three cows: two Shiites and one Sunni. Invite Saudi Arabia to come kill a Shiite cow and import another Sunni cow.

Yemen
You have two cows. Feed them khat instead of grass and neglect to milk them. Watch them fight each other.

Hosni Mubarak's Egypt
You have 10 cows. Neglect to tend to them, but prevent them from fighting Israel in order to get milk from America.

Post-Mubarak Egypt
You have 10 cows who think they now own the farm. There's still no milk.

Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali's Tunisia
You have two cows. Beat them regularly and use the milk money for your wife's shopping sprees in Paris. When the cows revolt, retire to Saudi Arabia.

Post-Ben Ali Tunisia
See post-Mubarak Egypt.

Gaddafi Libya
You have two cows. You wish they were camels. Feed them only your words of wisdom and kill them if they dare moo.

Post Gaddafi Libya
See post-Mubarak Egypt.

Turkey
You have two cows and one sheep. You claim that the sheep is really a "mountain cow."

Qatar
You have one cow that has hundreds of udders. You use the limitless milk money to set up a television channel that broadcasts the other cows in the region being milked (except Saudi Arabia's).

United Arab Emirates
You have two cows. You bring in Filipino nannies, South Asian laborers, and Russian prostitutes to make sure they're well taken care of. Sell the milk to build the world's biggest shopping mall.

Jordan
You have one cow, surrounded by wolves. Pretend that it's a magic cow that has the power to pacify wild animals, and then ask America for milk.

Palestine
You had two cows that were lost decades ago. Lament them.

Israel
You have two bulls. Pretend they are helpless calves.
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 9:12 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows, you milk them both and sell the milk at a preset and barely profitable price through the EU milk quota scheme. The Spanish distributor that buys the milk fails to pay you when the invoice is due 90 days after the delivery of the milk.
You are still liable for the IVA despite not having been paid so you take out a loan to cover your tax bill.
Your milk customer goes bust through a corruption scandal and you don't get paid. The bank who loaned you the money for your tax bill reposes your cows and your farm because your cows are worth only half the amount outstanding on the loan.
You now don't have any cows, no farm and a huge debt that you can't service....
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 2:44 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows

"A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad."
You notice that your Government has just cloned another mad cow, under its QE programme.
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 3:28 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows

Japan
You dress up as a cow and engage in unmentionable acts with the 2 cows. Then you write an anime about it.

Korea
Your 2 cows are Asian species, so you invest in Plastic surgery to make them look like European species of cows

Oregon, USA
You don't bother with milking the cows, rather you spend your time hunting for a certain kind of mushrooms that grow on cow manure

Scotland
Cows are not sheep, so you don't try anything

New Zeland
See Scotland

Germany
You spend all your time designing and building the finest automated cow milking machine ever seen. You then market this machine worldwide and don't bother with milking.

France
You blockade a street with your 2 cows, just because...
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 1:54 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

Hahahahaha LOL I saw this one on FB as well ! Here's one my friend made up

Malteseism

You have 2 cows
Your competition is jealous and spreads a rumour that your milk is no good.
People don't care and buy your milk anyway.
The competition calls in a saint who then stops you from selling your milk.
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 2:04 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

I have no cows.

I know that isn't funny, but it's true.............

Can somebody write something funny about that please?

Last edited by The Dean; Feb 25th 2014 at 2:05 am. Reason: .
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 2:09 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

Dean has no cows
He goes to the pub to celebrate his responsibility free lifestyle
He remembers he's married - he wants a cow instead

Disclaimer- No offence to mrs dean intended
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 6:23 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

Originally Posted by kittycat1 View Post
Dean has no cows
He goes to the pub to celebrate his responsibility free lifestyle
He remembers he's married - he wants a cow instead

Disclaimer- No offence to mrs dean intended
You did ask, Deano.
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 6:59 am
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Default Re: Two Cows

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
I have no cows.

I know that isn't funny, but it's true.............

Can somebody write something funny about that please?
Dean has no cows.
He wishes to have a pair of bulls.
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 3:07 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
I have no cows.

I know that isn't funny, but it's true.............

Can somebody write something funny about that please?
But you do have udders, don't you
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 3:14 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows

Jamaica

You have 2 cows, you use them to pull your bobsled during training .


Lebanon
You have 2 cows, which you incessantly groom and excercise ; because everyone must know that Lebanese cows are the most beautifull.
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 3:32 pm
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Default Re: Two Cows

DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows.
You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines.
You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them.
You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked, to all sorts of investors
who hope to sell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time.
You bring Tiger Woods to milk the Cows first to attract attention.

QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows.
They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk.
You see what Dubai is doing;
You go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible.
Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows.
Someone steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit.
The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people.
The people riot and scream.
The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk the
cow at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

KUWAIT SYSTEM:
They do not have cows.
Milk is imported since no locals can or would milk a Cow.

SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the government decides to ban all cows in public.
The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the other.

OMAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows.
After a huge public speech, you declare cow milking as a landmark initiative
and appoint a new government body in charge of cow milking.
You first spend a year doing nothing,
then you spend 1 year on planning to milk them properly and safely,
another one year to get the proper ministry approvals to milk them.
By the time you actually get around to milking the cows, the cows are dead.
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