Paidtoplease

This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their
feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f * ing kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.


Always.
Best,



Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

jebelaligardener

shakh your bootie

Ah yes. This reminds me of why I no longer co-habit with persons of the female persuasion....

Meow

Changed sides have you?

shakh your bootie

Actually not - I don't live with people of any persuasion.... It's a tranquil & happy existence...

Meow

So no one can stand your company? Aw, that is so sad.

shakh your bootie

Ouch again. Clawed twice in one day.

Got the painters in, love?

Meow

No. My place doesn't need decorating thanks.


xx

shakh your bootie

I'm not a DIY kinda guy anyhows....

Meow

Do you have any uses then?

shakh your bootie

No, I'm a luxury rather than utilitarian commodity.

Meow

Disposable??

shakh your bootie

Complete & guiltless disposal. Eco-friendly & 100% re-cycled.

shakh your bootie

Ah, and now disposed of, it seems...

One day on BE and I've been clawed twice, killed once, promised kisses that never came and had cutches thrown at me by a disgruntled disabled person.....

I'm outta here.

{see you all tomorrow!}