Proper Insults

Old May 31st 2010, 7:29 am
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Default Proper Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Old May 31st 2010, 7:43 am
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Default Re: Proper Insults

Originally Posted by Bahtatboy View Post
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
What's Paul Keating doing in there? A modern-day Ocker politician? Remove please.............

There was another Lady Astor-Winston Churchill one:

She: "Mr Churchill, you're drunk."
He: "Yes Lady Astor, and you're ugly..............but in the morning, I'll be sober"
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Old May 31st 2010, 5:52 pm
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Default Re: Proper Insults

**** I love that last one!!!
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Old May 31st 2010, 7:06 pm
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Default Re: Proper Insults

Personally I prefer ' There's a phone call for you, its the village and they want their idiot back'
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Old May 31st 2010, 7:51 pm
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Default Re: Proper Insults

"it's true, you can't polish a turd... but you can roll it in glitter!"
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Old Jun 1st 2010, 9:40 am
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Default Re: Proper Insults

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arsehole" is quite appropriate from time to time.
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Old Jun 1st 2010, 10:24 am
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"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die" Johnny Carson
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Old Jun 1st 2010, 12:01 pm
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Default Re: Proper Insults

Lets meet as little as we can

I desire that we be better strangers

I was seeking for a fool when I found you


-Shakespeare, 'As you like it'
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Old Jun 1st 2010, 6:29 pm
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Default Re: Proper Insults

I always remember the one about Bernard Shaw at dinner on a ship to the US. A gobby woman turned to him and said.

"Mr. Shaw, what a wonderful thing it would be for us to get married. Think of the children we could have. Why with my beauty and your brains they would conquer the world."

"Yes, Madam," GBS replied, "But what if they had my beauty and YOUR brains?"


I think Baddiel and Skinner did it as a sketch where at the end Shaw turned around and slapped his forehead before declaring "My God, I've just turned down a definite shag. Idiot!"
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Old Jun 2nd 2010, 1:39 pm
  #10  
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Default Re: Proper Insults

The Hungarians are very proud of their insults - this one is a relatively commonplace one though a little graphic if you have any knowledge of horses: Lófasz a seggedbe
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