Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
Mar 25th 2008, 2:20 pm
#1
Hammer for Life
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Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
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Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
Subject: Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of TV Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994 and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary ass on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services.
However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago had never even been to the UK !
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of TV Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994 and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary ass on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services.
However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago had never even been to the UK !
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Mar 25th 2008, 2:32 pm
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Dubai
Posts: 13,547
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
glad I didnt write your post. Just woken up have you 
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
Mar 25th 2008, 2:34 pm
#3
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
glad I didnt write your post. Just woken up have you
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
Mar 25th 2008, 2:34 pm
#4
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 18,187
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
glad I didnt write your post. Just woken up have you
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523106
MM, xx
Mar 25th 2008, 2:36 pm
#5
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Mar 25th 2008, 2:40 pm
#6
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
Mar 25th 2008, 2:45 pm
#8
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Dubai
Posts: 13,547
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
Does this make up for it ?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
Mar 25th 2008, 3:01 pm
#9
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Mar 25th 2008, 4:01 pm
#12
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 18,187
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
Mar 25th 2008, 4:06 pm
#13
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Mar 25th 2008, 4:07 pm
#14
Hammer for Life
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Too far away from Upton Park, for my liking !
Posts: 5,524
Mar 25th 2008, 4:09 pm
#15
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Dubai
Posts: 13,547
Re: Passport Application....dont you wish you had written this ?
you do it so well that nobody bothers to compete