Ray

Muslim at The Pearly Gates
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up."
And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,
he climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.
he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,
he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohmamed?"
"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs
and climbs, ever higher.. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is, by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son....I am God. But you look exhausted.
Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"

Ray

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

edinburger

I have been invited to an Al-Qaeda party....... There's no food, no music, and no dancing, but there's gonna be the fastest game of pass the parcel ever!.

Ray

He just bought a new boat and decided to take her for the maiden voyage. This was his first boat and wasn't sure of the procedures.


He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said "don't let the boat trailer get too deep in the water but deep enough that the boat will float.

Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely get the trailer in the water


You're gonna love this guy!!!

And once again, these people breed...and on occasion they vote!