Bad mothers...

Old Mar 12th 2009, 4:54 am
  #1  
hmmmm...nice
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Default Bad mothers...

Would you say that a woman that walks out of a marriage and leaves the kids with the father is a bad mother for doing so...
I was reading this article about women who had done that and it seems the amount of resentment and the abuse they got from people around them was much worse than what men get in a similar situation...they got told that they were bad mothers, that they were selfish etc even though they saw their kids every other weekend, kept in touch with them in between, stayed involved in their school actiivties etc, so their behaviour wasn't any different from most fathers in that position, but still they were made to feel bad about it...while divorced fathers that show the same level of involvement with their kids were 'applauded'...
Bit of a double standard thing going on it seems, cause what's the difference...
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 4:58 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

No I wouldn't say she is a bad Mother. Every case is different she may well have very good reason for leaving her children. I agree with you it seems to be fine for men to up and off but when women do it they get a load of stick. Personally I could never leave my child, but some women can and do. It is no one's business but their own at the end of the day.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 5:03 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

makes no difference from men who walk out on thier kids, same same.

People seem to think that a mother is the be-all and end-all.

I wouldnt think any less of a mother who walked out on kids than a father who walked out on his kids.

there is never a black and white case.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 5:10 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

I think it is natural for people to question it because traditionally mothers are supposed to have a special bond with their children having given birth to them and in most cases are the primary care giver. However, if the father is the primary care giver and the children want to stay with him, then it shouldn't be an issue.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 7:05 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by MataHari View Post
Would you say that a woman that walks out of a marriage and leaves the kids with the father is a bad mother for doing so...
I was reading this article about women who had done that and it seems the amount of resentment and the abuse they got from people around them was much worse than what men get in a similar situation...they got told that they were bad mothers, that they were selfish etc even though they saw their kids every other weekend, kept in touch with them in between, stayed involved in their school actiivties etc, so their behaviour wasn't any different from most fathers in that position, but still they were made to feel bad about it...while divorced fathers that show the same level of involvement with their kids were 'applauded'...
Bit of a double standard thing going on it seems, cause what's the difference...

Definitely double-standards. All to do with the virtual deification of mothers in most societies. Have you seen the Mothers Day cards in the shops? They are so sentimental it would make a sane person sick.

Fact is some women are lousy mothers and everyone is better off with them being around less. Fathers/men can do just as good a job in bringing up chldren.

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Old Mar 12th 2009, 8:57 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Personally I disagree (as usual). In my view, the mother is infinitely closer to her children, especially young ones, than the father. A mother who walks out on her children must be a very sad case. Indeed, if you ask a mother whom she would save from a burning house, I bet that over 80% would say their kids rather than hubby. Not sure if the same percentage of fathers would vote that way. Maybe I am simply biased from my own childhood.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:00 am
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hmmmm...nice
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by lionheart View Post
Personally I disagree (as usual). In my view, the mother is infinitely closer to her children, especially young ones, than the father. A mother who walks out on her children must be a very sad case. Indeed, if you ask a mother whom she would save from a burning house, I bet that over 80% would say their kids rather than hubby. Not sure if the same percentage of fathers would vote that way. Maybe I am simply biased from my own childhood.
I am not talking about 'walking away' from them...just women doing what men have done for a long time...starting a new life but without seeing the kids on a day to day basis...why would a woman be a very sad case for that...
and apart from breastfeeding, a father can do anything that a mother does...
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:11 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by Meow View Post
Definitely double-standards.
Like a man who failed to toil the fields/office/rigs to feed, cloth and house his family would be considered a bad father/husband? Some labels are earned fair and square.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:39 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by lionheart View Post
Personally I disagree (as usual). In my view, the mother is infinitely closer to her children, especially young ones, than the father. A mother who walks out on her children must be a very sad case. Indeed, if you ask a mother whom she would save from a burning house, I bet that over 80% would say their kids rather than hubby. Not sure if the same percentage of fathers would vote that way. Maybe I am simply biased from my own childhood.
In my experience, the mother is supposedly the one who has a more personal connection with her children. By nature, it is the woman giving birth, breastfeeding, etc. while the man is out looking for food and shelter for his family. So in a way it is expected for a man to always be out and providing his family the best. In this case, it wouldn't really have a big impact on the kids if he decides to leave them for good. Even in animals I think younglings have more affinity with their mothers than fathers. So for a mother to "leave" her children I think is more devastating...
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 9:56 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by lionheart View Post
Personally I disagree (as usual). In my view, the mother is infinitely closer to her children, especially young ones, than the father. A mother who walks out on her children must be a very sad case. Indeed, if you ask a mother whom she would save from a burning house, I bet that over 80% would say their kids rather than hubby. Not sure if the same percentage of fathers would vote that way. Maybe I am simply biased from my own childhood.
to be fair, using your stupid analogy, id wager that 100% of sane parents given that exact desperate choice would chose their kids everytime.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 10:11 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by MataHari View Post
Would you say that a woman that walks out of a marriage and leaves the kids with the father is a bad mother for doing so...
I was reading this article about women who had done that and it seems the amount of resentment and the abuse they got from people around them was much worse than what men get in a similar situation...they got told that they were bad mothers, that they were selfish etc even though they saw their kids every other weekend, kept in touch with them in between, stayed involved in their school actiivties etc, so their behaviour wasn't any different from most fathers in that position, but still they were made to feel bad about it...while divorced fathers that show the same level of involvement with their kids were 'applauded'...
Bit of a double standard thing going on it seems, cause what's the difference...
Leaving a marriage is not abandoning children, let's be clear.

There is a big difference in admitting that a marriage is not working and choosing to leave it than just upping sticks and abandoning the family. The most important thing I reckon would be to ensure that the children are told what's going on, that it isn't that they aren't loved but that mum and dad feel different or don't love each other. Most women would not take such a decision lightly, it would probably take months of soul searching - we couldn't possibly be in a position to judge.

As long as the children are kept in a secure and loving environment and they have open access to each parent then surely that would be the best option. I doubt any mother would leave her children with an unfit father unless the circumstances were so bad that she felt she had no option.

If the children get to spend time with their Mum at weekends, speak to her in the week and know they can reach her and see her if they want or need to then surely that would be better than having both parents living together in a loveless marriage, at each other's throats all the time or ignoring or belittling each other and slowly dying inside from unhappiness.

Children pick up on things and are far more knowing than we give them credit for (of course depending on their ages) and they like love, routine and security, either parent can provide that if they are good parents.

Sometimes women have to help themselves so that they are strong enough to help their children - it is her judgement call and nobody's right to criticise.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 10:13 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by lionheart View Post
Personally I disagree (as usual). In my view, the mother is infinitely closer to her children, especially young ones, than the father. A mother who walks out on her children must be a very sad case. Indeed, if you ask a mother whom she would save from a burning house, I bet that over 80% would say their kids rather than hubby. Not sure if the same percentage of fathers would vote that way. Maybe I am simply biased from my own childhood.
With all due respect, go get your unresolved issues sorted and you will be more content.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 10:29 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by Squirty Cream View Post
With all due respect, go get your unresolved issues sorted and you will be more content.
With equal respect I think you and others under-estimate the importance of motherhood. Nice to see that Dawarrior is with me here.
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 10:33 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

Originally Posted by lionheart View Post
With equal respect I think you and others under-estimate the importance of motherhood. Nice to see that Dawarrior is with me here.
LH you did have a mother figure in your life though even though she wasn't your blood Mother?
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Old Mar 12th 2009, 10:50 am
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Default Re: Bad mothers...

i think you have to do what's right for the kids at the end of the day...but i know i couldn't leave mine behind, for all my brave talk...

MM, xx
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