Unhappy_In_BC

I've been a regular reader, and poster, on BE over the last few years but I've posted under a new username here for anonimity (sp?) - I hope no one minds, but I know a few people in "real life" who post on this site and don't want them to know of the turmoil I'm going through at the moment.

Here's my story:
We moved to BC, Canada in 2007. We researched the move for over 2 years, and my husband is Canadian so even though it was my idea and he took some convincing, that's the reason we came to Canada. I first had the idea because I was tired of the life we had in the UK - he worked a stressful job, (high blood pressure which went down when he was off work) lots of travelling, and it seemed he was never around for me and the children. So the plan was to move to Canada, clear our debts (of which there were many ), be mortgage free and he would work a non-stressful 9-5 job.

The reality: The first 6 months were bliss. Hubby had secured a well paid job and bought house before we moved over, we all settled in well, had lots of visitors etc and life was great. Then things started to change, hubby was staying out late at night, either 'working late' or socialising with colleagues. I was feeling very isolated at home with 3 young children, one of them a baby, and would sometimes go the whole day without speaking to another adult. And I really tried my hardest to make friends, and get to know people. I initiated playdates, get togethers etc, and really tried to immerse myself in what was going on in the community.

Then this January my hubby was made redundant, part of me was relieved but also I was worried financially. I applied for, and got, a great job and started full time which I really wish I'd done sooner rather than trying to make it as a stay at home mom and getting more and more isolated. Eventually hubby got a job 4 months later, so now we're both working full time and paying a fortune in daycare. Between us we earn almost as much as he used to earn, and then have to pay daycare on top of that. So financially it's really not adding up. And on top of that we still have a pile of debt.

The 'dream' is so far removed from what is now the reality that I'm ready to pack up and go home. Problem is my husband wants to stay. I just want to go home to my sister (who I'm very close to) and my friends, and he doesn't have that same 'tie' to the UK. Looking back I've struggled to make it work here, but I never considered going back because I felt I'd made my bed and had to lie in it. But when hubby lost his job and we thought we might have to move back because he couldn't find another, it's sowed the seed and now I can't get the idea out of my head.

Things are at rock bottom between my husband and I and we're swinging between separating and sticking it out. I'm at the stage where I feel like if we don't move back to the UK then we'll have to seperate. And I'll stay here in Canada just for the sake of the children, but would be desperate to return to the UK. He did suggest I go and take the children and I can't believe he said that. How could he give them up like that? I would NEVER say that to him, so part of me says if that's how much they mean to him, I may as well.

Sorry for the rambling, and if you got this far thank you for reading. I guess my problem is he's always been moody and difficult ( I always blamed his job, now I know that's just who he is) but in the UK I had my support system and could brush it off.

What would you do?

Thanks for listening

scotty9000

He probably doesn't mean that about the kids.

Perhaps you should tell him they need their Dad so you should all go back together.

hope it works out

YankeemovingAbroad

I'm sorry that your family are going through difficult times. Let me ask you this,did you and your husband have an agreement about returning to the UK if one of you did not settle well? If so I would remind him of that prior deal, and if no verbal contract existed I would sit him down and calmly remind him that the family unit and marriage means a great deal to you and how you need his help.

Explain to him how important it is for your health to return and see if that matters to him at all. Avoid arguing with him, and try to convince him based on money matters and opportunities the kids would benefit from by going back to England.Find out what he likes most about living in Canada and stay open to relocating to a different area of the UK in case that might help him to reconsider returning. The strongest argument when it come to guys is one that is based in logic!

Best of luck

cricket1again

You can't sort these differences out until you can hear each other. Because you're so far apart on what you both want, you can;t get close to the negotiating line.

Why don;t you go and book some third party help such as mediator or relationship counsellor so that you can at least find a starting point?

Once you've done this, you can then start listening to the other person and perhaps putting a plan in action. You both have valid points but you need to find a formula to either work together or go your own ways in a manner that works for all of you.
Good luck with everything anyway.

BristolUK

Wow. I'm just glad I came here to be with a partner already living here.

All the stuff to go through when one may not be as keen as the other and then one being happier than the other after the move.

To those people who have done it there and back, was it easier going back than coming?

Bevm

Tough place, OP. This seems to be my day for being blunt here, but I think you have two problems, and they're not as connected as they seem. Your marriage is in trouble, and you and your husband don't agree about going back to the UK.

Part of him is probably thinking that if you did go back and take the kids he wouldn't have to deal with the marriage problem. Some people are like that. I knew a guy who had all his teeth out in his thirties because he hated going to the dentist. I could never tell if he regretted it, but I think your husband would.

So I think Cricket's right. Go together to counseling if you can.

So sorry you're in this spot,

Bev

dingbat

Don't be so sure. My ex walked away from four kids to live his dream of being a fully fledged redneck.

OP - sounds like your marriage is in trouble. Go home now, before the lovely BC court system nails you to BC until your children are adults. If your husband has given you the green light to leave, and you are sure its pretty much over, go quickly before he changes his mind.

Piff Poff

I'm so sorry things are not working out for you. You seem to be struggling within your marriage which is compounding your need to go 'home' to the security of your family. I hope you find the right solution for you, maybe you should take a leaf out of Ruby Murrays book and try an extended return? Take care xx

ExKiwilass

I agree with cricket about your issues, and I was going to say that I thought you needed to go to counseling, but now I'm thinking dingbat has a point
It's going to be messy if you get a divorce here, dingbat is right, you and your kids most likely will be stuck in BC for the forseeable future.

sans

I suppose OP ...it all comes down to how much you want your husband?????

You said early on in your post that you was fed up with the UK " WHY"....Was their already a problem with your relationship??? You also said he left you on your own in Canada...through work and socialising...

That must of been aweful for you, its a very lonely place at the best of times

Maybe you have to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself, about your situation.

And then run like the clappers , while you still can......

cricket1again

I would go and see a counsellor just for yourself. Sometimes, when you hear your own words coming out of your mouth, everything takes on a new clarity, the penny drops and you suddenly know what you need to do to change your situation. Talking to an objective third party will act like a mirror, reflecting back your current situation and how you are playing your part in it.

Change doesn't happen instantly and obviously where there children and relationships involved, it's very difficult. Plus it can't all be about one person and their needs, it has to be about what's right for the most vulnerable people.
But I really would go and talk to someone, spill how you really feel and confront the reality of the situation, then knowing you've got your head and thoughts in order, I'd look at what you can start to change and start putting a plan together.
I wish you luck.

Unhappy_In_BC

Thank you all for your replies, it does help to read your support and makes me feel not so alone

I think I'll go for counselling on my own (he won't go) like people have suggested and at least that'll help clear my head and sort out my thoughts. I would feel like a bad parent taking the children away from their dad and back to the UK but the way things are at the moment it's really not a good situation for them anyway and something definitely needs to change.

Like people have said if we separate over here, I might be forced to stay by the courts. As Bev said there's two issues going on and I think our marriage has more chance of surviving if we move back to the UK, whereas he thinks the opposite - that I won't need him anymore once I'm back amongst friends and family. I think having other people around for support will make me less dependent on him and affected by his moods, just having somewhere to go for a cuppa and a chat would help.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I guess I'm at the beginning of a long journey and I just hope I take all the right paths and make the right choices for my children.

MissSunshine

I think there is nothing like moving to another country, not knowing anyone and feeling isolated to put any problems/issues/or things you already thought in the back of your mind straight under the microscope. I must admit since moving and being on my own for long periods of time has made me realise what a total arse my partner can be. I think I realised this back in the UK but was alot busier and had friends and family close at hand not to moan to but to take my mind off things.

I quite agree it would be good for you to talk to someone, even getting the thoughts together in your own mind which obviously you would have to do to convey to someone else how you are feeling will help. I think, at times, men certainly do not appreciate women who stay at home and keep things going at all - it is not until you are not there being that supportive cornerstone that they realise your worth.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Do what is best for you and the children - I hope things work out for you.

nwtrucker

Really sympathise with your situation and hope it works out ok for you.
Wow, reading all these stories certainly keeps your eyes open about emigrating.
We ( wife, 2 kids, 1&6 ) are starting the process of emigrating to Canada. We can't get out quick enough but she's probably gonna miss her folks slightly more than me. Hopefully we will settle in quick and integrate as smoothly as possible. It helps that my cousin and his family are already there which is going to help us enormously. Everyones different and you hear some horror stories but they are loving it and have no intention of coming back.
Like others, i would suggest some sort of counselling to help you through this.
As a matter of interest, what would you be coming back to here? Have you got family,property, a job? We are absolutely being screwed to the deck here and we both work! I'm not saying its going to be any easier when we get there but at least we'll have something to show for it.
Good luck.

dingbat

Like what?