cheeky_monkey

I posted in this section nearly some 18months-2yrs ago about my desire to return home..so for those who dont remember back then my wife dropped the bombshell whilst she was in the UK that she was going to stay and wanted a trail separation..at that time i had just relocated to Calgary with a new job and had sent her my money to do up our old house etc so i had no money etc to go home.

Fast forward nearly two years i am still in Calgary the trial separation turned into full separation and finally divorce I have saved nearly $40k and planned to make the move back. I had a couple of job interviews when i went home to see my mum and my younger children (my oldest lives with me) at Xmas.

At this point my wife emailed to tell me she now had a boyfriend etc..which obviously re-opened my emotional scars of the past 2 years and reading between the lines sounded like ideally she did not want me to return.

Anyhow out of the blue yesterday my old company in London offered me a high profile job (strangely i did not contact them over xmas looking for work) if i would come back.

So here is my dilema..i feel i dont have anything to stay for in Canada as im very unhappy..on the flip side me moving back to my old work in London suddenly doesnt appeal to me either (a year ago i would have jumped at the chance) it would just bring back memories of a happier time in my life and i cant see me being happy there either.

In a nutshell i feel that if i stay here i will be unhappy if i return i will be unhappy..i know that my emotions are clouding my judgement either way...also i feel that it is now or never!

Any pearls of wisdom out there?

NiHao

I'm sorry it sounds like you have been through a really difficult time

Its very difficult making these kind of decisions (changing job/country) at the best of times let alone when there are additional emotions to deal with regarding the end of a relationship.

1. Would your older child come with you back to the UK?

2. Do you want to spend more time with your younger children? Don't worry about whether that does or doesn't suit your ex, what do you want?

3. The job in London, is it a good job that you would enjoy? Good prospects? If it is a really good opportunity then again I would try not to think about taking it does or doesn't effect your ex but focus on whether its a good career move, a job that would be happy in?

Editha

You have my sympathy for the bad time you are going through. \

But, reading what you've posted, it seems it is pretty clear what you really want to do.

1. You were planning to go home before your wife left you.
2. You have saved up with the intention of going home.
3. Your younger children are in the UK.
4. You've been offered a good job opportunity in the UK.

Against that -- you have negative feelings, very understandable ones, about your wife's new relationship.

It seems pretty clear to me what you really want to do, and maybe when you are back in the UK, you should get some counselling to help you through a rough patch emotionally.

BritInParis

The UK is your home too. Your ex-wife didn't get London in the divorce. If heading back will allow you to spend more time with your children then that should be your priority. If there's nothing to keep you in Canada and a nice job awaits you on your return then that's a bonus.

Editha

Nicely put.

beachgal21

Can only echo what other have said. Sound as though the place for you is back in Blighty. Best of luck to you

Sally Redux

Yup she cannot bar you from Britain

Get back, have some fun and make new happy memories.

Stormer999

You posted this in an area where there are going to be biased replies. Step back and go for professional counselling to help you understand your real needs.

quoll

Where is the best potential support network? Is the job a good career move even if it brings up an unhappy memory - is it better than what you've got now? Short of moving to Australia (not recommended!) you're going to have to deal with unhappy flashbacks in both places. London is big enough and ugly enough that you can start afresh there if you chose (even just a different side of the river is enough for a new start!). Your ex wife's feelings and desires don't enter into this at all - it's all about you and your kids!

Good luck!

cheeky_monkey

Thank you for all the replies and opinions..what i did not put in my original post is that my oldest son who is 16 is really happy here..he is enjoying school and has made some good friends..also my other children dont live in London they live 4 hours away in the middle of Devon..so although i would see them more than i do now it wouldnt be on a regular basis if i accepted the job in London.

Mallory

I would stay in Canada until your son is an adult, and out on his own. Very tricky time to move him. By that time you will have cleared your thoughts, and will have more idea what you want to do.

TheEmperorIsNaked

That.

Inclusive of? All opinions are biased.
_________________________________

You cannot allow the opinion of someone who did not behave very well toward you and her? son, to influence you. If you do that then she still controls you. Don't let that happen kiddo, there is enough to cope with in our lives in the present, without allowing the past to make things even more difficult.
The past effects, it should not control.

What did you save for? you did it for a reason, and it is that that should influence your decision.
My biased...opinion is that you should come home. So your children are in the West country-that does not make them inaccessible, in fact a damn sight more accessible than where you are now!

Your teenager: the lad will adapt; they do you know. And when he is old enough if Canada still calls him, he can go back.

It seems to me that ex and older son are causing you emotional stress. Will that stress diminish if you stay in Canada? I doubt it.

You have enough for a start, and the promise of a job, so enough for a good start.
I think that if you become a happier person, then that is a positive thing for your older son, and of course yourself.

Why not discuss a move for a twelve month trial? See how you both fare. I know that it is a financial loss if you then decide to return to Canada, but at least the return option is open-the country is still there!

It's hard for you, but don't let things (ex in partic) affect your decision. Think about how you have been feeling for a good while, and base your decision on that alone. You are no good to anyone if you are profoundly unhappy. It will eventually affect mental and physical health.

feelbritish

I agree with the posters here. You have been planning this for a long time. Besides London is a great city to "get lost" in and as a single person to carve out a new life. although you say your old company will bring back sad memories, it will also be a place you know and understand and a starting point. I would also get counselling for you and perhaps even your older boy. Go back to Blighty!

Englishmaple

If you can, I would go and have a session with a counsellor now - just talking over the situation with someone who listens may help you figure out what your heart wants to do.

The other thing to bear in mind is that nothing is set in stone - if you move and it doesn't work out, then you can move again. Sure, upheaval is awful but sometimes we can get bogged down in trying to figure out what the "right" decision is with out realising that decisions can be changed.

I feel for you because it's hard trying to make a decision when your emotions are all over the place ... I wanted to leave Canada in September 2012 - I'd just come back from visiting the UK and was certain that that was what I wanted to do. Instead I got caught up in a difficult legal separation and listened to all the naysayers ... and put off what I really wanted to do. I also got very sick. However I wasn't happy and it wasn't until I made the decision this year to go back come what may that I realised how much my heart wasn't in where I was living ... but it's difficult figuring it out when you're in the thick of your emotions.

Trust that whatever decision you finally make is the right decision for you now and that, if it turns out not to be, then you can change it. But give yourself time a set time to live the decision you make before you decide it's not the right one for you.

Me? I'm giving myself a year back in the UK - if things aren't better in my heart by then, then I will change things. But in that year I'm not going to second guess myself - I'm just going to live my life and see what happens.

windsong

I agree with this totally.

I think the negative feelings you are having are simply grief. They will pass eventually. Don't let them stop you doing what you really want to do (i.e. go home).