fulwood

Reflections and Belonging
I’ve waited a couple of weeks before I write about my reflections on my long trip to UK. First I was there for 6 weeks. Took trains and National Express everywhere and forgot how beautiful and how green is England’s pleasant land. I travelled extensively – 3 trips to Scotland, one to Chinley and one to Peterborough where my friend picked me up and we went onto Spalding.
Good things: A) LAUGHTER.. Haven’t laughed so much in years. Conversations with strangers in pubs, trains, shopping. English just have sense of humor I find lacking in many Americans. Went to Cambridge had best laugh at rookie punter whose poor customers never actually got to boat in the lake. They mainly spent their time on the side closely observing ancient brickwork and sweeping willows brushing their hair.. My friends for my sake decided to come with me so we hired a boat and gosh it was just lovely. B) FAMILY – Many know my story so won’t bore you. But after death of my beloved brother any sense I had of belonging to a family or country was all gone. My years in US (30) have been lonely but there have been moments of splendor with family, boyfriends (military – yeah) and trips to places like California, Chicago etc. I have said before I feel my journey in US is not yet done but it is based solely on places I still want to see like more time in Chicago, Virginia etc. I will be 53 soon so plans need to be made. Also had career choices would never have opportunity to do in UK. C) BELONGING – important one. Once I left Children’s Home in 1983 after 14 years I felt like a prisoner who is freed from jail. Don’t get wrong impression as I loved the place. BUT you are outside the gates with only your belongings and you think where the heck has everyone gone? After being surrounded by people for years – there was nobody. Maureen (aka mother) would NEVER tell any family member where we were and learned recently they would have liked to adopt us but that is in the past. So I have for most of my life felt as though I only exist, not lived and not cared for by anyone. Nobody can know unless been thru it what it is like to grow up with NO family. Dwane and I both went into care at ages 4 and 6 respectively and then 6 and 8. The impact on my brother was more devastating than it was on me. Maybe I’m a more detached creature and not seeing Maureen after while did not bother me in slightest. Dwane even though he would not say it- think he always missed having family and it is one of my regrets that in all our years together in US we never spent more time together. The last few years we had were sad but so glad he was with me.. Still miss him to this day and will never get over the loss. Doctor says still suffering from PTSD. D) I do not dislike America in anyway. I do hate where I live though – dry, arid desert of Arizona. I can move anywhere but it will always be by myself. As my time on earth is finite, I have decided I do not want to grow old or die in America. I want to be around Brits and their sense of humor. Never in the time I was there did I see anything that is reported in the Daily Mail. A couple of times when I took a long walk I would see couple of lads and think oh chuffin’ heck here we go – gonna say something nasty. I said hello first and then when heard my accent spoke to me for few minutes.
So I will wrap up this long message and say I am fully aware of all England’s positive and negatives. But for me – loneliness is slowly killing my soul as well as death of my brother. I would rather be alone in England than in US. I have been back 2 weeks and not one person has called me (people whom I consider friends). I have an older sister whom trying to develop rapport with but we have nothing in common but we are going to try and make things work. I have friends in England who though I know won’t see everday the chance for night in pub or a cuppa is welcoming.
America is a wonderful country and I strongly believe it is the land of opportunity. My dad was in the military for 20 years as was my bil. I will always defend any remarks about US military, or the US itself. I will listen if I have to Brits talk about American politics but then will reverse conversation to their own country’s state of affairs. So I am not ready to move yet as I have a financial goal I want to achieve. I do have offer of job from friend. She runs non-profit for kids who leave care at age 18. There is absolutely nobody or no resources to help them. Who better than my friend and I to do this? We know of what we speak. This is job in UK.
I will also live in Scotland or Derbyshire area near my sister. It is magnificent and I could see me spending my final days there. So forgive this rather pathetic old soul but thought some would be interested in my viewpoint. I do not look at the world thru rose-tinted glasses. Far from it – I can be rather negative. If the decision is not right for me then I can always return to US. But old age as it approaches makes us want different things. Youthful dreams fade and realizing you have finite amount of time makes you prioritize differently. I have fantastic job in US right now and know could not do same in UK. Old age for me means forging ties with friends long ago, returning to the place of my birth, exploring more of UK and engaging in volunteer opportunities such as with AIDS project or Cancer society.
So much as I love America – loneliness has defined my existence here. For my remaining years that shall not be the case. I have achieved much without support of family. As my brother was last of my family here – it is time both he and I returned to our place of birth. Please know I have balanced view of US and UK and don’t need anyone to tell me about either country’s flaws, glowing reviews etc.
And by the way… Happy Birthday Dwane! He would have been 51 today

Perth

Fulwood, so very glad that your trip to the UK was a positive one. It looks like you gave every experience a great deal of thought, and came to terms with the fact that you do indeed need to go home. I know what a long and agonising time it has been for you making this decision. Wishing you all the best as you embark on this new adventure.

feelbritish

Fulwood can understand you loving one country but need to be in another for your soul! Thank you for your input on your trip to UK. I can understand how you must feel to be back 2 weeks and no one of your so called friends called you! It goes weeks without phone calls from anyone here! It is my friends on FB and here that react more to me than locals on my doorstep. I can understand the loneliness and I too said only to OH yesterday I would rather be lonely in UK than here! I too have come to the realisation that I do not want to die alone in Canada! I have many friends in England and chat more to them than people here. In the end I just withdrew into a ball and stopped reaching out to make friends. Glad you have made a decision to one day move back when the time is right for you. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I may be here for longer as my OH does not want to risk a financial drop just to run back to UK. There comes a time when our heads have to rule. All the best.

Derrygal

Fulwood - Thanks for posting. I was wondering how your trip back home went. Your post was very honest and thought provoking. I totally get the "laughter" part. Americans take themselves so seriously - it really is hard to have a good laugh here. I'm so glad you were able to reconnect with family and friends and it looks as if you may have come to the decision that your future lies in the UK. You are still young (53 isn't old) but as you said, none of us knows what the future holds and growing old and lonely in America isn't a desirable place to be. You need to do what is best for you. I am sure that your brother would want you to be happy. I wish you all the very best for your future. Take care of yourself.

moi

Hi Fulwood
Really enjoyed reading your reflections.
Have you ever considered fostering or adopting children? It can be done either in the US or UK. It does not matter about age of foster parent. But I think with your past, you could offer soooo much to a child in need.
I think it may help you fill a void in your life.
Just my 2. Cents.

fulwood

Moi, I fear I am too old now to foster. I for some reason never really wanted children. I think it because of my own childhood. If I had a child they would have not had grandparents, cousins or family at all. I suffered thru that but couldn't put another child thru it. I do work with children now. I am a speech pathology language assistant and have been for 2.5 years. I work with kids from 3 to 25. That fulfills my need partially. Also when I move back I will likely work with my friend helping kids who have left the Care system. Thank you for the kind thoughts though. I appreciate everyone's response. I know it was long but I needed to say it..

spouse of scouse

I think your post was great, Fulwood. Far from being 'the rather pathetic ramblings of an old soul', there was a lot of wisdom, self-searching, optimism and reality in your words. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us x

rebeccajo

I agree with SoS. Fulwood, that was a lovely and thoughtful post. It made me smile to read it.

morayeel

I loved your post Fulwood. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

dunroving

This is a perfect example of why, if at all possible, anyone thinking of returning to the UK should try an extended visit before they make their decision. I am really glad it has helped to crystallize your thinking on an eventual return.

quoll

So glad your trip has helped put everything into perspective for you! It was a lovely ramble, by the way, I enjoyed your contemplations! I hope you can make the steps forward that you are planning!

Bnet36

This is such a great post and if I ever needed justification for moving back, which I don't, this post would do it. It's just interesting to hear someone else's story and how they got to their decision. Most of the points touched ring true to me and many others I am sure. Every day I am thankful that A) I can sift through all the emotions and experiences and pinpoint what makes me happy B) That I even have the privilege of calling England home and I can go back. Best of luck Fulwood and the rest of us returning home!

Lorry1

Hi Fulwood, WOW! great post. I'm almost in tears reading it; it's so thought provoking and moving.

Although I was in Canada, I felt the same as you do in the US; I had lots of friends but always felt lonely, sad, not really having that laugh with someone, you know, that real belly chuckling laugh where it actually hurts!

I have family, well, if you can call it that. We are very dysfunctional. I have not spoken to my sister for 8 years even though she now lives just 20 minutes from me. We didn't really grow up together and I really only formed a relationship with her when I was pregnant with my first daughter, 20 years ago. I no longer speak to my parents who are in Wales. I only have my brother, his wife and child (plus another on the way) who are in Devon. Even our relationship is hard and tainted but it is all we have.

I did not move back for them. I moved back for the friends I missed dearly who I had since childhood and for my love of England - my home. So far I have no regrets!

I wish you well with your remaining time in the US and for the future you will hopefully have back in the UK.

Good luck!

London1947

Dear Fulwood,

I have just come across your post and I have no shame in saying that as a man I did have a few tears.

John

fulwood

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read my reflections on the UK. On another note my sister whom I had not seen since 1966 has decided we have nothing in common and does not want to waste time forging a friendship that is based on only a common history. She is a lovely lass though don't get me wrong. I feel we are very different but was prepared to give things a chance. So I still will return to England but one less person on my visiting list. She was very supportive during the time during and when Dwane died. We continued to Skype as she worried about my well-being for which I was grateful. But seems now met me in person - it's all gone. Anyway thank God my life has been one of independence - had no bleeding choice anyway. So it has kind of set me back a little bit - how much rejection can a person face in a lifetime. I was going to try and wean myself off my meds but this threw me for wee bit of a loop. All I know is that if I can make it thru these past few months since my beloved brother passed away - I can certainly cope with this kind of crap. No need to feel sorry. I just spoke with friend in UK and we spoke about time when she sets up her own non-profit for kids who leave care. Told her I want to be part of it. 15 years living in care gives me an edge I think over other candidates.. Since I made decision I shall return to UK it has given me a goal and a purpose so I can put up with stuff in US knowing there will be an end one day. Enough said..