Fleaflyfloflum

Mrs Flea here.

We have made the decision to return to the UK after 8yrs away. I am feeling very mixed up and confused right now. I love Sydney, and i have a great lifestyle, but as with all the different places we have lived in over the last 8yrs ( 5 different locations) I just dont feel as though i belong or fit in. It is a strange feeling which has made me quite depressed at times. In general, the people i have met have been friendly enough, but i have always felt that somehow i am not on the same wavelength. I know there is not much wrong with me as a person because i am outgoing and friendly, make new friends easily, but there is just something missing.
I find a lot of Australian women quite shallow. I feel bad saying this, but i crave interesting conversation which doesnt involve gossip, food recipes or craftwork.
A lot of Australian men seem to have the same mentality towards women that my grandfather had! Trying to get ahead in the workforce, being a woman in this country is unbelievably hard. But worst of all, the women seem to accept it!

I love certain aspects about this country, but i am finding myself feeling numb, empty and unfulfilled. Even so, going back to UK holds a lot of fear for me as i worry i will not fit in there either after all this time.
Sorry for my ramblings, but i am so confused and mixed up. I want to go back. I am looking forward to seeing family, but i fear i will yearn for the Australian lifestyle. I dont want to end up another ping pong pom.

saoghalbeag

I have the same reservations about returning to the UK. I'm Australian tho. I lived over there for about 3 years and had to come back to Oz for family reasons and have been trying to return to the UK ever since. I have absolutely no desire to be here, but until a job comes up that will bring me a work permit I don't have any choice. It is made even more depressing by the feeling that I just don't belong here. The reason I loved living in the UK was because I felt I belonged there. I made better friends than I had ever made in my life (and certainly than I have made in Australia. In fact I do not think I have actually made any since I have been back here! And all my old friends from school/uni are, of course, moved miles away. There's nothing for me here but family but we are all in our 20s and in that period of our lives when we are all more busy with our own lives and careers and starting our own families than each other).
I feel that my longing to be back where I 'belong' is actually contributing to my feeling out of place here. Of course I'm not on the same wavelength as everyone else - they all feel they are at home and are busy working at doing the things I would be doing if I was 'at home' - like getting mortgages and furthering their career, and even just buying bloody kitchen utensils (which I can't do because a job opp could come up tomorrow and then it would be money I'd wish I'd saved for my relocation).

I've also had that fear that maybe I'm just so miserable here that I've glossed up the old UK into something it's not. I know there are so many downsides to the place - I lived there long enough, and long enough in the same place, to be fully aware of them. I know at times it was even harder to fit in their as I was a foreigner - and Australian to boot, which usually means 'transient' so people don't see you as a long term friend. Because my intentions and discontent with AUstralia are so well known to family here I'm also nervous that going back I will fall on my face and hate it.

Anyway, that's my moan. You are not alone: except that you actually have the opportunity to do what you want to do. I don't know if I agree with you on the Aussie women being shallow thing: I found many girls my age (20s) in Scotland (where I lived) to be very one dimensional (all about hair straighteners and cocktails) and I felt that women were less independent and more 'in their place' there than here. However there were a lot who did not fit this generalisation as well - just as I think there are many in Australia.

I think the main thing is that I just want to go back to the place where I was myself. I want to be me again - before I get too old and bitter and forget who that is!

Mountain Girl

It pains me to see so many people in "no mans land" they dont spend long enough in any place to feel like they belong.

As for me, do I belong in Canada? do I belong in London?...... Do I belong anywhere?..... who knows??????? But am I happy YES !!! Which is of main importance.

Fleaflyfloflum

Hi Matilda
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. I feel somewhat better knowing there are other people out there who understand how i feel.
I do agree with you about the 20 somethings being similar regardless of where they are. I have 3, grown up kids! But i think thats more about their age and lack of life experience more than nationality.
I just feel a bit isolated in my views over here. Maybe i have found the wrong Australian females Its not as if i dont like them i think they are lovely!! I just find myself very bored with them at times.
Maybe its just me, and as my title says,i just dont belong!
I just worry that i wont feel as though i belong when i get back to UK either, but we shall see.


Hello Smelly

Very glad you are happy. Thats our aim in life isnt it?
I would like to clarify that i have spent more than enough time in each of the places. A minimum of 2yrs in each city. I just moved a couple of times within same city. Of all of them, i love Sydney the most. In fact, despite what i have written, i am fairly happy, but i cannot bare the separation from family and the cultural things i miss.
Now you can see why i am so mixed up and confused. One day i am adament UK is for me, the next day i am not so sure.

saoghalbeag

I have spent quite a bit of time in places. I spent most of my life growing up in a small Queensland town, I travelled to Scotland, I spent most of my 3 years in Europe in the same small town in Scotland, I returned to the town I grew up in in Queensland, I lived there for 2 years and only very recently moved away as it was my only chance to get back into the workforce.

I do belong in Scotland. I don't belong here. And it's not because I haven't given the place a chance. I even took this job interstate hoping it would make a difference - that maybe it was just being in my old stomping ground (with all my old friends goneski) that was the problem.

But no, it's me I haven't made a friend in TWO years...at my age it's really quite pathetic! Admittedly I have a small child so that has played a part but I'm working so there should be more options, but, like fleaflyfloflum says, I get BORED of the people around me. None of them want to be where I want to be, none of them understand or care about Scottish land reform, or the latest Irn Bru advert (the Snowman one VERY funny) or that the NHS is in dire straits in the Western Isles and that Kyle of Lochalsh now has a youth cafe, or that the SNP might win the May election and hold a referendum and make Scotland independent and change the immigration laws and LET ME IN!!!

Okay, little bit too far with that last one! But you see? I'm a fish out of water, an eagle living in the chicken coup (or a chicken in an eagle nest...). I read Scottish papers online and I'm studying Gaelic. I care more about Scottish politics than Australian ones and I suppose being stuck here makes me angry and bitter and makes me hate Australia, although it's unjustified. I'm currently living in the outback and it irritates me even more. All I do is feel sorry for those original European wives who had to drag their families out into this godforsaken country - leaving the lovely wet, isles...

Mercedes

Why not make a list of the postives of Australia and your life there and how you feel UK may be different for you and the positives of how you think it will be as well as the negatives you feel you may encounter and the negatives you feel about Sydney.

I missed the lifestyle of Australia and it didn't go away until I moved to Spain where I could adopt a similar one, but was closer to the UK where I got the other aspects that I liked. When I was in Oz I missed things from UK and vise versa and I found it hard to settle. I had itchy feet so made sure I could also travel with my work, so that has scratched them also.

Initially when I came back I realised I was happier in Australia and missed it, but I also didn't want to be the other side of the world either. So by moving to a similar climate, commuting for work, so I could see my family and friends, but live in another country I could also get the lifestyle I missed. So I've managed to juggle in getting most of the ticks of the boxes in my life. I won't say it is utopia but it helped me settle a bit better and made me alot happier..

I can relate to the type of women you don't like being around, I find the same. However how I overcame that was that I had many Australian friends who came from different nationalites, cultures and background and I also had many professional women as friends who ran their own businesses. There are many professional women in business networks where you may meet more women who you find are more interesting and you have something more in common with. I've found I've adopted the same strategy now I'm back in Europe.

Chauvanisism, is everywhere, however in Australia, I was sponsored to stay by a very male dominated company and they probably treated me better than my Australian peers. I also worked my way up into Management with another well known company and I was the highest paid in my immediate team of male colleagues as well as the highest paid in the whole department of Australian Managers of 14. So it is possible to do well as woman as well being a British one. Now in Uk I'm a company director again in a very male dominated industry where predominatly there are not many senior women in it. However there is plenty of chauvanisism and I ignore it, I generally think chavanistic men have inferior complexes and small penises so they don't tend to bother me and there is plenty of men in both countries that aren't chauvanistic, again you have to find them. But I've yet to go to many countries that the men aren't Chauvanistic and at least we are lucky as women that we're not trapped in some of the countries that women have no freedom. So we are quite lucky really in comparison to many women in the world.

I think people are people wherever you go and finding interesting and stimulating people are like diamonds, but are possible to find if you look hard enough. There are boring people everywhere as well as interesting ones. You just have to look or change where you hang out.

Maybe do what I did and go back with the intention of only staying a year and see how you feel about the place and put any things you have in storage which I did until you know how you feel. If UK rings your bell then you can always move it back, if it doesn't you haven't had the expense of moving things back to then move them back again. Or alternatively maybe if you like some things about Uk and can't live there, maybe do what I did and find an other country closer where you can get the best of all worlds and won't cost you an arm and leg to move.

Best of luck and hope you find what you are looking for.

king kong

That fitting in business seems to affect those that have never truly settled and feel comfortable with their surrroundings .
I personally have never been comfortable here [aus] and although quiet succesful on a daily basis business wise it is the decent conversations i miss and i can honestly say i have never had a decent convo in 20 years here ,its usually quiet superficial crap and business related.
To fix the problem i frequently go back to the uk on my own and get a fix and have abloody good belly laugh and a generally good craic ,the last time i returned , we went as a couple and it was fantastic and we had such a good time and australia was the furthest thing from our minds ,but alas we had to return because of house /business and younger son commitements but my wife said the most wonderful thing and that was ''in the uk you are the man i married all those years ago ,and think we should return to get our lives back in order''.
It isnt the fact life in aussie is any better or worse than the uk ,its just what it does to me as a person ,it depresses me and i dont know why .
Its a horrible feeling and is a daily thing ,with some days better than others but you know there is something wrong when you are whacking zolofts /st johns wort down your throat just to dope yourself up enough to go on .
Time to go home for me too .

king kong

You have obviously found your place in life and so you get involved with it and take alot of interest in what is happening there ,i wish you luck on your return to scotland and hope you get throught the red tape bull .

saoghalbeag

Thanks King Kong - I understand completely your wife's comments about you being a different person in Aus and in UK. This is how I feel. I know it's easy to blame Australia for it, but I feel it's ME. Why can't I be the person I was in Scotland? Who knows, but I guess that's why a lot of ppl do end up relocating from their place of origin. I just hope I get the chance!

I miss the banter, I miss the craic...I miss having people around who actually understand what those words bloody mean!!! That's why I'm being sad and lurking on here all the time! My cyber-pom mates! I can't understand how there can be so many of you over here cos I never seem to meet any (and I'm always looking, although always seem to find British ppl in Oz who are happy to be here and don't like the UK so again we've nowt in common!)

Hope we all end up where we should be eventually!

KatChristie

My hubbys in the forces so we move around quite a bit. I am constantly dreaming of new places to live and visit which is probally why i find it difficult to make long term friends because if you no you will be moving whats the point! Another problem seems to be when you move somewhere new is that a lot of people have long established groups of friends and its not always easy to get involved without looking desparate!

Im in my twentys with a young child so going out and socialising can be a problem as my family live to far away to help out with babysitting.

We are moving to Aus in 18months and im hoping it will be permanent and i can put down some roots so to speak! But i do agree with some of the other posts in that you have to make yourself happy (which is easier said than done sometimes) and the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Good luck in whatever you decide

a white rabbit

..i frequently get the i don't belong anywhere feeling, autumn was always bad with the smell of rotting leaves on a cold morning and that burn in the sun as it rose...yahh i liked Yorkshire..

..but i also got it during 5 years on Islay, and 20 in France, always at the same period.."tristesse d'automne" was my name for it..

..except, 3 years on, just ocasionally, as the evening sun crashes into the hills above my farm i get it here too, in upland Southern Mindanao..

..the relevance..i know it's not home-sickness, that's what i get when away from my land, where ever it is...

bramblebush

Can so relate to that

Fleaflyfloflum

A big thankyou for all your replies. Especially Mercedes.
I agree with most you have said, although my experience of males in the workforce is definitely different to yours. I am a lot further down the food chain within my large national company. Most of the guys are middle aged dinosaurs and i have no women in my department!

I will take your advice and write down pros and cons, but we are going back anyway in the short term as i miss my family big time. Whether we stay there is another matter!

Divine Comedy

Hi Katchristie, my hubby also forces and done lots of moving around. I also dont make friends easily. I have been very hurt at leaving them behind. But on the flip side i am glad to have known them and met them along the way.
We are moving to NZ in July and also hoping to put down roots , for the kids mainly.
I agree that it is only yourself that can make your life what it is, i have a friend who left NI and missed it so much she went back, but is not any happier for returning. Life has the same ups and down where ever you live.

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Fleaflyfloflum, hope you feel better. Sometimes getting it all off your chest makes it seem less of a problem. After moving around alot myself i dont settle well anywhere! i also dont feel any happier when we go home!! I find as long as the kids and my hubby are happy, i am happy, where ever we live.x.x All the best to you.

Mercedes

Dinosaurs are always the worst I went to a seminar in Amsterdam a few years back and there were plenty of them there, the good thing is they probably will retire soon.

I understand the Family bit as it is what kept me in Europe, so I wish you much happiness and hope you find where you feel you belong again where-ever it is.