Husband Going Back for Funeral

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Old May 17th 2018, 11:55 pm
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Default Husband Going Back for Funeral

Forgive me if this is a bit of a ramble, but I'm just looking for a place to share with people who will understand. Hubby is on a plane back to the UK as I type this. We received a call that his Aunt had passed. While not totally out of the blue (she was 92) it nonetheless has been difficult. And it has once again made us start having difficult conversations.

My parents have passed, but his are alive and (thankfully) well. But we know the day will come that they aren't.

Long ago we decided that we would retire back in the UK. But every now and then we talk about moving sooner. Our last trip back was in September, and we both agreed we didn't want to wait too many more years before heading back. We are both 50.

But on the drive to the airport we started talking about moving it forward. A major part of this was because I'm not able to join him on the trip back for the funeral. Two weeks' vacation per year makes that very difficult.

We recently had some very serious discussions with his doctor as well regarding course of treatments for his heart condition. Discussions involving short and long term costs of care - the type of discussion you never have to have in the UK.

We live a comfortable life here with the materialistic trappings that makes most Brits want to come to the US. But the very real possibility of losing everything because of expensive medical procedures quite frankly scares me. We do have health insurance through my employer, but we can't predict what kind of coverage we'll have in 5 years.

As I said, this is really just a bit of a ramble. I'm not really asking for any advise, it would just be nice to know that there are other people out there who understand. Friends and family in the UK are either of the "you should come back now" or the "why would you ever want to leave the US?" camp with none of them having ever experienced living in another country. And I know this is just compounded by the helpless feeling of sitting here at a keyboard while my husband heads back alone.

Thank you for the chance to vent.
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Old May 18th 2018, 12:10 am
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Default Re: Husband Going Back for Funeral

Originally Posted by Rebster View Post
Forgive me if this is a bit of a ramble, but I'm just looking for a place to share with people who will understand. Hubby is on a plane back to the UK as I type this. We received a call that his Aunt had passed. While not totally out of the blue (she was 92) it nonetheless has been difficult. And it has once again made us start having difficult conversations.

My parents have passed, but his are alive and (thankfully) well. But we know the day will come that they aren't.

Long ago we decided that we would retire back in the UK. But every now and then we talk about moving sooner. Our last trip back was in September, and we both agreed we didn't want to wait too many more years before heading back. We are both 50.

But on the drive to the airport we started talking about moving it forward. A major part of this was because I'm not able to join him on the trip back for the funeral. Two weeks' vacation per year makes that very difficult.

We recently had some very serious discussions with his doctor as well regarding course of treatments for his heart condition. Discussions involving short and long term costs of care - the type of discussion you never have to have in the UK.

We live a comfortable life here with the materialistic trappings that makes most Brits want to come to the US. But the very real possibility of losing everything because of expensive medical procedures quite frankly scares me. We do have health insurance through my employer, but we can't predict what kind of coverage we'll have in 5 years.

As I said, this is really just a bit of a ramble. I'm not really asking for any advise, it would just be nice to know that there are other people out there who understand. Friends and family in the UK are either of the "you should come back now" or the "why would you ever want to leave the US?" camp with none of them having ever experienced living in another country. And I know this is just compounded by the helpless feeling of sitting here at a keyboard while my husband heads back alone.

Thank you for the chance to vent.
Hi Rebster. Although our circumstances are different, I do understand your worry for the future and your wish to be home, especially right now. I well remember the feeling of seeing my husband off from Australia to the UK to see his terminally ill brother. It's a lonely feeling, a helpless feeling and a sad feeling. It makes us think about our life choices, our future and our own and our partner's mortality. You just want to be there, for so many reasons. To support your husband, to be with family at these passages of life and death, to just be there.

There's 59 year old Aussie in the UK who's sitting on her back porch and thinking of you. Please take good care of yourself xx
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Old Yesterday, 2:26 pm
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Default Re: Husband Going Back for Funeral

Hello Rebster. My circumstances are very different too - and in reverse in a manner of speaking.

We left a daughter behind in the USA when we came back to the UK, and she is getting married in October. We were able to be there for a week in April for a family celebration, and I was lucky enough to be with her when she purchased her dress. But being back here in the UK, I realise how much I am missing out on. And plans for me and the OH to do certain things for the wedding during the week before when we will be there, such as designing the decor, and putting all the pieces together, are suddenly being co-opted by the soon-to-be-mother-in-law. Don't want to cause waves so holding my tongue. Not being there takes you out of the picture, even if you don't want to be.

So I can understand the internal dialogue about where you should or should not be. Chances are, with the way life throws curve balls, there could be, at one time or another, a reason why you should be back in the US instead of in the UK. You can only continue to discuss the pros and cons of your situation until you come to a clear decision and what's best for you.

It's no fault of yours that cannot be there for your husband. Try to stay in touch as much as possible while he is here. I am sure he will appreciate your support even from afar. Wishing you peace during this very difficult time xx
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Old Yesterday, 5:06 pm
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Default Re: Husband Going Back for Funeral

Thank you both for your kind words.

My husband and I have been using Messenger and Skype to keep in touch and send photos. It's really been helpful - I cannot fathom how people dealt with the distance years ago when nobody had mobile phones or social media.

Today he's with his parents and cousins. I'm glad he was able to get back to spend time with them though I really wish I were by his side.

I suppose this isn't so much about being back in the UK as it is about being there for your loved ones, wherever that may be. It really is helpful to know that other people understand and are dealing with these issues themselves. Thank you for sharing your experiences and understanding. xx
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Old Yesterday, 11:59 pm
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Rebster - I think it is hard for people who haven’t left a country for a significant amount of time to grasp the internal dialogues and thought processes that we go through. Nor should they be expected to. That is why this forum is so incredible. We realize that we are not alone in what we think. There are subtle nuances that are hard to explain to people. With my DH and me returning to Scotland in July I didn’t know how to respond to someone who said to me a few days ago “Is Arizona not your home after all these years?” It was my home when we were raising 3 boys and were in the workforce. Sending best wishes your way.

Last edited by Caroline in Arizona; Today at 1:22 am. Reason: grammar
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