JJ-NewJersey

Hi fellow expats,
My first time writing, although I've been reading some of the wonderful and informative messages posted by so many fellow Brits all over the world.
Very briefly, I'm pretty torn up by the whole 'go home or not' question. Moved to Canada 20 years ago with family and 4 young kids. Same old story...it was meant to be a 4 year stint. But after 4 years, my company transferred me to New Jersey (16 years ago). Seemed like a great career move etc. We've been in the same house ever since.

I left my original company 10 years ago and unfortunately have been hopping from job to job ever since. I long ago lost any sense of desire to stay in the US and would have moved back to England years ago, if it hadn't been for the kids being in school. Another job contract looks like its coming to an end shortly and this time I feel it's time to take the inevitable leap and go home. My wife is distraught, as she desperately wants to stay on the same side of the ocean as our 4 kids, who have naturally become Americanized (although none are married). She would like me to find another job here, if possible, but my heart and soul tells me that I've had enough of corporate America for one lifetime.

Sorry to unload all my woes :-) No doubt we'll work it out. It's good to know that many others of you have faced similar problems.

Jerseygirl

Hello ...welcome to BE.

I can relate to much of your post. Moved to NJ (Morris County) in '96...our daughter was 11. Hubby retired early and we would like to move back to the UK...but our daughter is married and living in Canada. I don't want to live on a different continent...

JJ-NewJersey

Thanks for replying Jerseygirl,

I think someone wrote somewhere on this blog that this is the curse of the expat. There are all kinds of challenges with moving back but the hardest is probably leaving behind your kids, if they are staying here. If your hubby is retired, maybe you don't need to go back and can just visit there when you need a UK fix? In my case, I'm still 10 years from retirement so I need to face the prospect of continuing my career here or there. In any case, I suspect that our kids will eventually move around, so staying in NJ just for that reason doesn't make complete sense. But it's a tough question.... Thanks, once again.

Jerseygirl

Grown kids that have become Americanised...or in our case Canadianised. That wasn't a consideration when we first moved...we always assumed that the three of us would go back to the UK. Oh what a tangled web we weave for ourselves.

JJ-NewJersey

And then there's the difficulty of finding work back in the old country. It's very hard from over here - especially for us >50's. Might need to just go back and camp with family until I land somewhere. If we go...

Jerseygirl

Across the BE forums...it is generally difficult to secure work if you are not actually living in the country.

robin1234

I'm assuming your children are in their twenties or early 30s, from what you described in the first post. Key fact you gave, none are yet married. Just work on one of them to return to the UK. Graduate school, retraining, job, whatever. It'll be easier for them, at their young age, than for you. Then it'll be easier to persuade your wife to make frequent visits and possibly make the permanent move back to the UK.

My kids were aged 8 and 6 when we took them to the U.S., one returned to England in his mid twenties so now we have a foot in each camp.

Bud the Wiser

I think there's a thread on here titled something like, " When one wants to move back and the other doesn't."

Mrs. Bud eventually got over leaving the kids behind when the kids decided to move around, one moved back to England, then back packed around the world, then decided to teach English in foreign parts, met an American girl, and is now married living in Dallas. The other obtained her law degree, got married and moved to Chicago, and now back in Orlando. The fact that they could pick up sticks and move away from us at any time convinced us that we couldn't put our life on hold just for them.......

....................... and then the grandkids arrived.

curleytops

Bud brings up a very good point here - This is exactly what I told another BE member who was struggling with this decision. Like this other member, you are living in the eastern US and your family have grown and are making their own lives and decisions now. Any one or all of them could up sticks tomorrow and move to California, for example, and you would be just as far away from them then as you would be if you were to move back to the UK and leave them in the eastern US. Same goes for grandkids - you have no control over where they will end up being raised; that decision lies with your kids as well. I admit I have no experience of being a parent but I was once the kid who moved away from my parents across the country (and ultimately back over the ocean). These things do happen so although sometimes its very difficult, you have to live your own lives as well and if you really want to come back then do it. Keep in mind that you're not getting any younger and the longer you wait, the more difficult it could be to find work back here in the UK. Good luck

Downton Gabby

JJ-NewJersey

Thanks to everyone for such considerate and helpful replies. As much as I would miss my kids every day, the thought of turning around in 10 years time with regrets about not going home earlier is a huge concern for me. As Curleytops pointed out, chances are the kids will scatter anyway... already one's out in New Mexico. Our youngest still has 3 years to go at Uni (UMass) - so he's the one who would probably be most impacted. Anyway - thanks once again. I'll let you all know how things turn out one way or another.

Mallory

Scenario - you move back, and in 10 years you are 60. The kids stayed in the US and got married. Grand kids are coming along one after the other. You aren't together at Xmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. Wife can't help with babysitting. Grand kids are getting closer to the other grandparents. Don't think your wife is going to be a very happy lady.

Why don't you try living in a different state? It would be a fresh start, and exciting to try something different. You are probably bored with NJ. If it was me, I wouldn't want to leave either.

JJ-NewJersey

That's what makes this such a difficult decision. But I honestly don't know if I can handle the idea of continuing my career in the US all the way through to retirement. As many people have experienced, it's a totally different working culture in the US vs UK. Not necessarily better or worse - but it's sure different. I am looking for the right op in the US but we'll have to see what I find. One thing for sure IMO - the US is no place to live without a good job.

Downton Gabby

You should go home if you're feeling so inclined. That scenario above is just a fictional concept. What if...blah , blah. Talking about babies who haven't been born, missed holidays (there are airplanes ), the threat of yet unborn getting closer to the other grandparents. No offence to Mallory intended, but that's all goofy, IMO. No one knows what the future holds..you have to do what you feel is right inthis moment in time.

Jerseygirl

That's how I feel. We only have one child and we brought her over here.