skoobzz

Hi there

Just thought I'd post a message to see if anyone has any words of wisdom they'd like to share, lol!

After 2 years of procrastinating, I decided to move back to the UK having lived in Oz for the last 12 years. I absolutely love Australia, however all my friends had paired up and I was starting to feel a bit lonely and homesick on my own. I couldn't work out where I wanted to be so I thought I'd move back home and trial it for a year. My Aussie friend is looking after my house, dogs and cats etc so I can effectively walk back into my old life if it doesn't work out here.

I arrived in June full of hope and excitement about all the wonderful things I was going to do. But I have found myself in exactly the same position in the UK as I was in Oz... only worse because I don't know anyone!! I currently live with my best friend of 20 years, however she met the love of her life the very first night we went out and she hasn't been out since!

I am feeling soooo depressed at the mo because I can see so much potential for a great life in this country and I desperately want this to work. But it seems like I am getting nowhere fast. I lack the confidence to go out anywhere on my own, but if I don't, I know I will never meet people and make new friends. I also have to work from home for my job, so I'm not able to interact with work colleagues either.

I feel sad, lonely and totally overwhelmed, I have no-one to talk to and I have no idea how to get through this. It's like I've moved to a brand new country all over again, except I am 12 years older and I am finding it so much harder to make new friends and establish myself.

I'm hoping that someone out there has had the same experience and is kind enough to offer some friendly advice (or even just tell me that I'm not alone!!)....

Thanks for reading!

brits1

Hi, we had been overseas for over 12 years before we returned to the UK, I knew I would find it different as anywhere would after 12 years but I really did feel overwhelmed by things I did not even imagine lol...ie the choice of companies from things like Utility bills to car insurance to even food in the Supermarkets...my family laughed when I seemed to get a bit het up about things they found normal.....it reminded me how I first felt when we arrived in Aus all those years ago, I had left all my close friends and family and we did not know a sole if all seemed at the time so depressing and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel but time...time is a great thing, that and to know things do get better and try not to let things get to you by looking so far into the future. You do not say if you have friends,family or work etc...but if you don't then try and look at clubs etc...things you like to do....dance lessons or something similar, working in a pub etc or joining a sports club always helps...take a trip down to the local library they have loads of info of whats going on in your area....stay positive, its hard I know at times, your not alone there are numerous people in the big world out there who feel like you do....take each day as it comes and stay positive, good things will come your way. Take care

quoll

Sort of in your position but with a husband in tow which can be a tad restricting, believe it or not.

I have started to go out to interest groups - local history, archaeological field walking, knitting, stitching and I have joined the gym and interestingly made contact with several women about my age who can potter along during the day time.

It's never an easy prospect but you have to put yourself out there like you would in Australia. Identify the things that interest you and check out the neighbourhood to see what is on offer - if it is anything like around here you can find a group for anything from belly dancing to handbell ringing, train spotting to crochet.

You never know your luck in a big city! If all else fails, twist your friend's arm to include you in some of her activities - surely the love of her life has some mates as well and could include you in a group.

Good luck, put on your extrovert hat and go out and boogie

calliope

Because you were away for so long you have moved to a foreign country in many respects, so you need to think in that way and not take fitting in for granted. Try and find local groups you have an interest in. Maybe it's possible for you to change jobs and work with other people? Most of my friends were made at work wherever I lived. Good luck.

Brigette

Do they have the meetup website in the UK?
http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/in/indianapolis/
It is a great way to meet people with the same interests and hobbies (book club, etc). Interest groups would be a great way to go right now since you are not comfortable going out on your own...

Like you I will have to start from scratch when I return. Aside from family I wont have any friends as I left the UK as a child.

Beccarose

I feel for you, it sounds rough.
Part of your situation sounds a lot like my brother in laws actually. All of his friends have met partners and moved on and he is still single and feeling quite lonely and left in the dust of the others.
I think the ideas of finding groups that are of interest to you are excellent suggestions. Don't be afraid to get out there and start meeting people on your own. I know it sounds pretty hard but there are plenty of people out there in the same boat as you.
And maybe I should introduce you to my brother in law.

Beccarose

Oh! wanted to add I get notifications for activities from http://london.citysocialising.com/home.html all of the time. Maybe that would be worth sighing up for.
(I hope it's ok to put links to other sites in here...)

Pomster

and years ago when I first moved to London I joined a group called Spice. Lots of activities to join in (at a price of course) and I definitely found some people I gelled with.

In fact we have now all tailed away (as we moved into relationships and kids) but we still meet once a month for dinner- and I was away in Oz 10 years.

Give something like this a go- it is a lot better than it perhaps sounds, because everyone there is in the same boat.

Brigette

I say go for it! I'll definitely give it a try when I move next summer

sallysimmons

Did you really leave a country you loved and your house and your pets just because your friends had paired off?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh because I want to be helpful, but I just don't understand what you expected when you got back.

The tough truth is that either in Australia or the UK you will need to make new friends. But that's 10 times harder to do when you're also adjusting to culture shock and trying to fit into a strange place. You don't even have your pets anymore.

If you're in the UK because it's the country you prefer, then I agree with all the suggestions above and wish you nothing but luck. But if you only came because you were lonely, wouldn't you be happier back in Australia with your pets and your paired off friends? You can make new friends there just as easily.

calliope

Often people say they found easier to make friends when they were younger and maybe the OP is thinking about when she was able to make friends more easily but this was probably because of the age group all those years ago rather than where she lives.

TheVet

Hi Scoobz,

I think im in the same boat as you - feeling depressed. Forever single - working from home. I just had 3 months in the UK - staying with parents and not easily mobile. I think my time in OZ is over as I am not getting ahead anymore. I've been in OZ over 16 years but with lots of trips back to the UK to visit. I,m over Brisbane for sure. But I am going to give Melbourne a chance before taking the plunge back to the UK. But like you I won't know a sole in Melbs or UK. But on the plus side - free as a bird! Not tied down with an other half or kids. Tomorrow everything could change if we jsu get out and about!

TV

Bermudashorts

I was a member of Spice for a couple of years. I did quite a few different things including the occasional meal out, a barn dance once, but mostly I enjoyed the Sunday walks and sometimes went on walking weekends away which were great fun. I would definitely recommend it to somebody in OPs position.

dave99

I am having similier feelings, I came back to the UK a few months ago after 5+ years in aus. I am wondering what the hell I am doing back. Its getting cold and dark here now, had to scrape ice off my car the other day, been a long time since I have had to do that.

I feel lost as well, I feel like I lack a sense of purpose here. Most people have been friendly when I started my new job but there is, well, its hard to describe, but an undercurrent of nasty to everyone. I never got that feeling in aus, people were good natured to the core. My work colleagues here seem nice and friendly and say they are pleased to help but boy if you actually ask for any help its another matter all together

Every day I wake up and think, what the hell am I doing back in the UK and I find myself bored here often and miss the ocean and sunshine

dunroving

After 23 years overseas (mainly in the US), I also felt that the general "tone" here was not quite as overtly welcoming, and still find that in my profession (teaching), the students are definitely not as friendly or accepting as I found in the US (and that I continue to find when I do visiting scholar trips).

It's hard to know the extent to which your perceptions reflect actual attitudes of the people you are working with, or just a difference in style. I think there's a reciprocal effect going, too - you notice less friendliness, so you respond differently and this makes things worse. In my first couple of years back here, I didn't have as much fun in the classroom and I think the students responded to me not "liking" them as much as I liked American students. I just find it hard because I was so used to feeding off the positive attitude of students in my US classroom.

I do think it is the British way to be more critical (I just read an article about this and can't for the life of me remember where/what it was). I find myself in conversations frequently with colleagues who will quite openly say critical things about other colleagues, which I find quite divisive and difficult to adjust to. My take, after years of the US system, is that none of us is perfect and being picky about people's weaknesses or shortcomings doesn't help anything (plus of course there is the whole "People in glass houses" thing). You also find yousrelf wondering "What does she say about ME when I'm not around?"

BUT ... the other side of the story is that the US (and I presume Aus) ra-ra attitude could be seen as superficial and fake. Some people would rather hear "honest" criticism than "fake" niceness. Me, I just miss the Southern politeness and find "biting wit" and "clever criticism" negative.

I would recommend trying for a week to assume that everyone's intentions are mainly positive, and they just come across differently and have a different style than Aussies. I have learnt to adapt somewhat to UK students, but also to say I won't accept certain things (I have a reputation for not taking any nonsense - but the good students actually appreciate that). I started off thinking I had to just adapt to rudeness in the classroom but I think I now have struck a happy medium.

I think you are experiencing the classic culture shock - things aren't necessarily worse, just different - but you notice the bad things about where you've moved to and forget the bad things about where you came from.