marmitelassie

I know there is a similar thread to this started by pfromuk but I didn't want to take the focus off them, so here we go...

I married an American nearly 3 years ago and moved to the States in 2010. I've wanted to move back to the UK pretty much since about 6 months in. My hubby tries to be understanding and works very hard at it, but I think sometimes he just thinks I am not trying hard enough to "fit in" and that I have a British superiority complex (possibly true , but still...)

My friends back home are my family and whilst we keep in touch, I miss them every single day. I see them all get together and feel like I'm watching my life pass me by. They are all buying houses and getting promoted, while my career took a nosedive when I moved and I am up to my eyeballs in debt. Some weeks we can't even buy groceries and I torture myself with what my life might have been like.

I have been in treatment for depression for about 2 years - although my therapist said he suspects I was depressed for as much as two years before I arrived, so it's not all America. We moved about 6 months ago and I have not found a new therapist, so right now I'm on my own, off the happy pills, and things are pretty bad.

The point I'm trying to get to is - I am thinking more and more than I want to go home and that scares the poo out of me. My husband has an 11-year-old daughter here in the States and has flat-out said that moving to the UK is not an option for at least another 7 years. So if I go home, it's divorce. He's a good guy but we don't have the strongest marriage in the world. However I know that if I tell him I'm leaving to go home, his worst fears will be realised and his self-esteem will be destroyed (he's told me as much). I'm not sure I could live with that guilt either.

I also feel so completely defeated, and like every major decision I've made in the past 5 years has made things worse, that I don't trust my own judgement any more and so I am stagnating in my own indecision. All I know is that if I utter those words to my husband - "I have to go home" - there's no taking them back.

I apologise for the excessive information but whilst I have friends over here they are more drinking buddies than best mates, and all are mutual friends with my husband, so that leaves me with pretty much noone to talk to. I'd just love to know if anyone's gone through the same thing and how they made it through. I am just about holding it together at work but I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my ****, so any advice is appreciated!

marmitelassie

Almo

Not much advice but didn't want to read and run.

Have you been back to the UK since you left?

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Is it likely that you might find a new therapist soon? It sounds like you're sorely in need of an impartial ear.

Mummy in the foothills

Oh dear, it sounds awful.
Not sure I'd want to chance 7 more years if I were you. Do you want children too? If so you might want to make sure the move back is before you do that. Or once the baby is born in US he could change his mind and then say no to you taking his child back to UK. Meaning you will be stuck in US till that child turns 18.
If you weren't on happy pills in the UK I'd be more inclined to think that it's the homesickness making you depressed and everything else is adding to the stress of it all.
Can you go home for a nice long visit anytime soon?

NZ4Now

So sorry to read this and hear the hurt you're going through!

I to am depressed and currently on happy pills that aren't making me that happy haha!

We are going home in Oct but took a while to actually decide! You need to make the decision that's right for you

holly_1948

So do you work in employment? If so then is your earnings crucial?
Can't you become dual resident? UK and US seasonally that is, if you have people to stay with in that UK that is.
Wash DC to LHR flights are cheap enough if you have a luxury of shopping around.

Beccarose

You can't put that on yourself. I know it seems like the guilt would be on you, but you just can't allow that to happen. If your husband's self esteem is destroyed it won't be because of you. I realize it's all a catch 22, you are sinking by staying, he can't leave for a very long time, you need to leave but feel it would be the end of the marriage yet you feel you have to stay to protect his self esteem.
If he allows this to crush him, it's on him, not you. You have to look out for you and if he won't even budge on helping you get what you need then you're going to have to do what you can for yourself and what feels right. If going home is what feels right then why not give it a trial period back in the UK? Do you have someone to stay with? Perhaps you will decide you are sure you have to move back, perhaps you will feel like you want to keep giving the US a shot. Does your husband know how you feel? Would he be on board with you giving it a trial period or is he saying you leaving at all would be the end?
I think a lot of what you're feeling and saying is perfectly common and normal- and when we have other people to consider it makes it so much harder to make it right and work for everyone.
Just remember you need to take care of you.

marmitelassie

Thank you all so much for the replies

Almo - I have been home at least once a year since I moved. It was a lot more this year because my Dad died in January and I was lucky enough to be able to go home and see him before the end a couple of times, although it put a massive strain on the finances. Going home again in August for my brother's wedding...I'm hoping I'll be able to gain some perspective then too.

Mummy - We don't have our own kids at the moment. I am uncertain whether I want them but I'm pretty convinced that if I do I would want to raise them in the UK...which I think probably says a lot in itself

Holly - I am the main breadwinner in our house - I pay the rent, cable, utilities, etc - not that that says much, so not working just isn't an option sadly. I have student debt both sides of the Atlantic as well as a moderate amount of credit card debt, but neither of us earn very much and live in an expensive city so finances are tough. I have plenty of people to stay with in the UK, but financially I just don't think it's an option. Believe me, I wish it was!!

Becca - thank you for the support A trial period is a possibility, but again my main concern is money and how I would support myself...I haven't actually asked my hubby about a trial period. He knows that I am homesick and I've told him I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to make it, but I don't think he realises how desperate it's getting on my end. He gets REALLY upset whenever I mention it, understandably but it does make it hard to have a conversation about it.

quoll

Have you thought about maybe trying some couples counselling? It might help him to "hear" the message you think you are delivering! That process might also help you come to a compromise position - if there is any such thing of course!

As for him guilting you with his loss of self esteem if you were to leave him - no no no no! You cannot take that on yourself. At the moment your priority has to be your mental and physical health and well being for without that you wont be any good for him anyway. Hopefully he can see that his intransigence is having a really deleterious effect on your mental health and he needs to shift somehow so that you can feel you have some way out of your current morass.

I must admit that my husband did once say to me that if he had to live in England then HE would be depressed but now we are back in UK he is showing absolutely zero sign of depression and, to the contrary, actually enjoys it (he was somewhat shamefaced when I reminded him of what he had said).

(((Hugs))) to you - rock and hard place spring to mind!

holly_1948

It sounds to me like you already know in your heart what you have to do.
The big question is how long it will take to get up the courage. It's never easy for women, biological clock and all. Men have so many more options.

pintaguiness-pickledegg

Hello Marmitelassie,
You really are going through the ringer, you poor girl
Tough times mean tough decisions though.
Sounds to me your husband is sticking his fingers in his ears, saying "I can't hear you" lalalalaala (if you get my meaning).
Seems as if you are slowly drowning and feeling there is no way out of the mess.
IMHO, you'll need to tread water until August. Make no big decisions, just get though it. When you go home, tell everyone who will listen how unhappy you are and that you don't know what to do. Hopefully some options may present themselves.
People are reluctant to give advice on what to do as we are all self conscious about our responses and giving proper, sound advice.
No one wants to tell you to leave your husband as that wouldn't be right, however, you yourself believe every decision you've made in the last fiveyears seems to have been the wrong one. You have to ask yourself why you wrote that.
Peace of mind, stability, contentment (not necessarily happiness) is all within yourself not your husband's situation.
Money helps, but isn't everything, don't let it be the death of you.
You need help, support and encouragement from whatever source you can rely on (obviously not your husband), good birth control (seriously!) and practical solutions that you yourself have to come up with. You can do this!
I wish you all the luck in the world

HighCaper

Hi marmitelass, I've just come across your posting from a few months ago. My situation is almost identical to yours and I was wondering if you had reached any decisions to change your situation ?

Editha

OK. I'll say it. Leave him. Relationships should be about helping each other to be fulfilled in life, not a mutual misery trap. You see more opportunities for yourself in the UK. Go home.

morayeel

I'll say it too!! I came to the States many years ago. My heart was always yearning to go back to the UK. I feel 30 years later I should have listened to my heart. Just my opinion, go back now.

TheEmperorIsNaked

This is nothing more than emotional blackmail.

Bingo! It needed saying.

Agreed. It erodes the soul to ignore your own needs to feed those of others. It has nothing to do with selfishness-it is emotional survival.


..........this lass has not posted since May. I hope she found her solution. It is clear what that should be..

Pica

Well said-I hope she went back to the UK!